That's The End Of It

This is the end of it. August is officially over. In a few days schools will start and the students are already here, wreaking a havoc. It's busy streets, crowded bars, and reds, yellows that seems to adorn every shop window from here to North Wisconsin.

It already feels like Autumn is here. Stores have changed their menus, soups are here and pumpkin lattes are for sale. It feels like overnight everything and everyone changed. No one seems to have problems being fashion forward, no one seems to get lost, getting from on building to the next. Everyone is on a hunt to find their favorite grocery store, favorite bar, and favorite coffee shop. Games are on, and it's livelier than ever before.

We are settled at home, still with minor adjustments to be made. We're hopeful, peaceful and happy. I am still frustrated with a lot of left over residue that I can't quite seem to control or haven't been able to purge out of our system. It's been getting better. I still need to work on that. I have some plans, some hopes and some continuum of movement, towards something, anything, even if they're tiny, tiny steps.

August, you've been stressful and wonderful. Thank you.

30 Agustos Zafer Bayrami

Herkesin 30 Agustos Bayrami Kutlu Olsun

Does Moving Solve Everything?

The question begs itself, does moving solve every problem we've had? The big issues we've been trying to conclude, the horrid past I do not want to remember and get stuck on.

Over the course of the summer some of our issues subsided, diminished and vanished. Other new ones came instead and the big ones got stuck on a repeating loop that we just couldn't conclude for whatever the reason.

It takes more than change of living quarters to solve more problems. Some problems persists and the problems we've been delaying becomes apparent and we learn to seriously deal with the issue. It's been difficult, I am frustrated, angry, sad and really unable to move on. I run in circles repeating the same things again and again. Some problems were suspended too long, waiting to be solved when we moved and not they've become things we no longer can ignore and have gotten bigger over the course of time.

Time is going to solve some. When more time has passes that I am less frustrated, less angry with all that has happened. A lot of effort on my end, with less blow ups, more understanding and trying to look at the bigger picture.

Roots

Roots, such a simple word with so much content, context and connotation it carries. It can be light or grave, depending on what you're trying to achieve.

The words we use, the way we negotiate our own reality and integrate ourselves with others, and how we analyze our own role in the grand scheme of things, has been greatly influenced by our parents, the religion, culture, socio-economic background we had no way in choosing before being born. The principles our families have adopted also enforce certain rules, values and understanding within our beings. Eventually, when we venture into the world on our own, we build upon those, sometimes destroy them altogether and begin anew. Regardless though, all of our being is effected whether negatively or positively what we do.

So, roots, who could get away so far. All of a sudden, anything but roots is all I desire.

Art For Art's Sake

Is art ever art for art's sake? Should it be?

I do think there is art for art's sake and there is much refinement and enjoyment that one can receive from such art, in any form of expression available to the humankind on earth in 21st Century.

But art itself imitates life and life often strives to imitate that of art, at least in my own personal life and observations has been true thus far. I think when art gains a deeper meaning and allows us to see the painful truths we have become adjusted and blind to. It packages our values, ambitions and goals and neatly represents them in another perspective that we can clearly see what the outsiders sees and what we are unable to see.

What do you think? Am I far off base here?

Sisters

One of the children I nanny is 8 years old and she will be starting Third Grade. She is a beautiful girl with long legs and a beautiful smile. She is extremely brave, athletic and intelligent. She also has a great quirky, strong, independent, loving personality. She is what I would call a natural born leader. She is so good at it. She loves taking in charge, being responsible and bossing around her younger brother, who is 4 years old. He is usually timid, but he definitely doesn't like being undermined and being told what to do.

On the other hand, the 8 year old also likes to undermine and challenge authorities, adults and those in charge of her by turning her brother against the Baby Sitter, so namely me.

Clever little girl.

Dishwasher

Who knew dishwasher was a luxury?
They became my luxury in the past three years. After all, we all can wash our dishes by hand, at the sink. Why worry about that when you have a dish washer. I think I am in love with mine and absolutely cannot live without it from now on. It makes my life way too easy, which makes it efficient, and being on a time crunch, it makes it essential to me. I cannot live without this luxury from now on.

The Needs of A Home

Now that we moved into a new apartment we don't have as much floor space as we used to. But on the bright side we have triple the amount of closet space, which makes a big difference to me.

It's already difficult enough to fit everything in, and the storage space here being 50 bucks a month it is incredibly expensive. Though we have this great space, we also have little floor space to be using. So I am in desperate need of organizers for our shelves, for our shoes, for the blankets, the towels. Eventually though, one by one. I've decided to buy things for first the entry way and make my way to the bathroom, then the bedroom, living room and eventually kitchen. I've already spent a lot of time and money trying to get a good kitchen going, and although there are things that I do need, none of them emergency and I can make do with what I already have. Instead, I need coat racks, boot mats, bath towels of all sizes, shelf space and organizers. I need a bench in the entryway, a mirror and photo frames.

Living room is a mess and we need lots of things there. I don't even know where to begin. We don't need a lot, but we do need a nightstand and a lot of closet organizers for the bedroom.

So here's to a never finishing the needs of a home.

These needs will probably grow bigger and become more dire in time, which will alter the list and probably will get them a little mixed.

Going Organic

Recently, I've made the decision to buy in more bulks and in organic. From shampoo to cleaning supplies to body lotion to anything else that you can conjure up.

It seems like there are plenty of brands to choose from.

Here's to a better living.

Full Time Nanny

Being with kids all day is tough and harder than I remember. Maybe because I pay more attention now, maybe because I am older and have less energy than I used to and perhaps because these are mere strangers I haven't been able to connect with entirely, yet. It's difficult to get to know each child and understand the way that child expresses his or herself and how he voices himself.

Parenting is a part of life, most of us in the 21st Century willingly enter. Not all of us. For many it is one of the dreams we possess and something we all move forward to in order to achieve it. This isn't true for everyone. I also don't believe in the fact that not everyone wants to be a parent, nor should they be. I don't think these people are evil, or selfish. Isn't having children, just as selfish, if not more?

So it's been a challenge, these past few days. Being with kids all day long, who is abundant in energy, attitude and lots of love to give. It's been a challenge to getting to know these kids, their rules and routines.
But they're lovely children and it's been a great fun to be with them.

Devil's Lake

As a family, with my brother included and our friends, we've made our way to Devil's Lake, to celebrate both moving and the extremely nice weather in August. Celebrate while you can and worry about the rest later.

The water was crystal, pristine and warm. Jumping off our rock has to be S's favorite thing, well, maybe besides eating the grilled meat.We are thorough omnivores and nothing gets between us and our meat. This isn't always good, but it's better than none at all as I always say.

A time to take back and be out there in the world, is all I can ask.

Happy Birthday Uncle Y

Happy birthday Uncle Y!

It's your 45th birthday and I wish to many more. May all of your troubles softly breeze through like the Autumn winds.

Nannying (Is that a word?)

Today was my first day nannying these two beautiful children aged 4 and 8. They are wonderful kids, but they are challenging. They're extremely smart, can be manipulative to get what they want and are  handful, as any kids are. They require lots of face time, play time and educational time. I've forgotten how much energy kids can have. I had a difficulty being able to catch up to them. Ask me if I was able to in the first place. I'll tell you, no.

The questions they ask are hard to answer sometimes in an age appropriate way for people like me, who don't actually have children themselves. It's awkward to be in charge of two kids suddenly. I truly had no idea what to do with them. I forgot how to approach, baby sit and keep children amused, entertained without crying for their mommies throughout the day, and also without becoming a toy in their hands. That happens, more often than many think.

I am not sure how long I will continue this job, but currently I am just glad that I have it. I don't know how smart it is for my psyche to have children I am responsible for at the moment, but it's something I have to stick it out.

Here's to wonderful children.

Living Room

Bedroom is completely sealed in. Everything is in its right place, as much as it can be for the time being and the living room is completely taken care of. Well, besides the books. The books are still in their boxes waiting for me to open them up and place them properly on their proper spaces and shelves.

I am so excited. This will be renewing everything. Maybe, I'll start picking up reading much more once again.

 The living room gets lots of sunshine and is overall a great place. It's tinier than our last apartment, but the floor plan is better for this apartment.I can see many great passionate days and nights and lots of guests being entertained.

I am also a little nervous about tomorrow. I haven't baby sat anyone in a long time. I hope I won't mess up. This will be my life for the next two weeks.

The Moving In Day

This is a sight to behold. It's a good thing I got the kitchen done yesterday night. I was exhausted three in the morning when I was just finishing up. I am exhausted this morning, but I cannot imagine my exhaustion if I did not do it this way. Luckily, I made everyone carry in the furniture first, placed those and had a second trip just for boxes and the rest. This has saved time, space and has allowed me to work more efficiently. Exponentially.

Now, to find a space for everything. I figured, getting the bathroom done is much easier and I started there, and then moved on to the bedroom as clothes will be more vital than my frames and art work being displayed. Those will come in the later days, as really last details. I am not worried about those.

Everything in the bedroom fits in, though the living room definitely needs some help. I'll have to get to it tomorrow, other wise, it's a doom, because I start my job as a nanny on the following Monday.

The extra closet space has literally saved my life. Here's to great apartments!

Keys

Today is the day that we get our keys to our new apartment. You cannot believe how stoked, excited and relieved I am. Today is the day S and I get our fresh start. The new beginning, a new, blank, white apartment with just our things, our heart and lots of sunshine. Each corner will be ours, new and will only come to possess our memories. Past can parish with the old building.

While we won't be moving in today, well partially we will. We'll give the second half of the deposit, sign the lease and pick up our keys. I'll clean the apartment, and get the kitchen in, organized and ready to go. Tomorrow, we'll get all the boxes, books, furniture and others in, so that it is much easier to organize and move in, finding a home for everything becomes all that easier.

Keys to our freedom!

Curb side Shopping

We went for our curb-side shopping today.

I haven't done this before, definitely a little strange and sometimes it can feel humiliating, until you pick your head up and see about ten other people doing the same exact thing.

Our bounty is plenty and I am extremely happy because we ended up getting several great chairs, patio table and some other big pieces our new apartment was going to need. I am merry and this moving is so close, I am forever happier, infinitely more.

N is Here

My brother is here! I am so excited. Last time he visited me was in June of 2012, when he first meet S. I can't believe it's already been more than a year since then. Since then all the trials we've gone through. We've moved in, gotten engaged, married and will be changing apartments soon.

Part of the reason he came at this time is to help us move. Secondly, he is also in a deep depression and I wanted to help him a little bit by bringing him out here and having him engage with others. Students, girls and people, real, living, breathing, made out of flesh people.

Depression is a horrible thing and really there is very little an outsider can do. Everything needs to be resolved within yourself and your own mind before you can do anything about it.

I am so happy and so glad he is here. This will give us an excuse to do something and also allow me to be a good sister. I haven't been that in a very long time.

Consumerism

I both loathe and love shopping. I don't particularly like spending money, especially when we have so little of it. That's why I make everything home, from the three meals a day, to the snacks that be enjoyed, even if not bought. I can veggies, fruits, make my own pickles, my own jams, and my own bread. Every little bit helps, tremendously.

I love buying small little things that changes the mood and look of the home. I also don't like buying things that aren't sturdy and don't make through at least two years, no matter how cheap they are. So I tend to stay away from extra cheap stuff, because they aren't made to last.

However, the way the stores are managed, designed and the ads and the catalogs all create a narrative consciousness we believe in. Or at least can be susceptible. It's easy to buy into this narrative, quite unconsciously. Ads begin the circle of this vicious routine and deep brainwashing. TV Series, movies, books, and eventually ending at the stores. We believe everyone shops a lot, everyone has all of these items and that over and over we are advertised things we don't need as necessities.

I fall into this trap and thankfully, because I just don't have the money, I always return back home empty handed, and it's my golden rule to wait until the third visit to actually buy something. So when that happens, it becomes apparent all those items, decorations, new gadgets and gismos and appliances are not necessary.

Fated Day 2

It's been two months since that day. Two whole months. I don't know where that leads us. I thought my emotions would have changed with time, given the fact that this was an emergency. Quite the contrary, they have developed, deepened and have been intensified a hundred fold. I am not sure what I could do anymore. Even the solace and the quiet and even happy stress of having found a job, moved into a new apartment and tinkering away with it could not quell it.

I am daily reminded and daily, I burn through all hopes, bridges and repeatedly live through these events in my life.

I feel stuck, cornered and without an ability to move forward, I punish myself as much as I can.

Movies and Stagnation

We've been watching too many movies lately. With the crises of our lives sold, decisions being made, informed and decided to move forward, we've entered that stagnating phase where we research, get further details and flesh out the necessary steps so that we know what we will be facing when we decide to go one way over the other. With that, there isn't much else to do but do our own work, come home and watch movies. And when we start walking, the stagnating phase will continue as more research will be in order, we'll be in our trial and discard phase where different things are being tried and upon not liking this or that aspect, we move onto other bigger and better things we define in that slice of time, until we come to a better suiting solution to the problem or process of our goals.

I am not complaining. It's painful to be here and not somewhere else in the sense of my own trials consisting in June, but I am happy. Happy for that fact that we did what we felt we needed to do, we made informed decisions and we're here, both silently working hard, trying to better our lives individually and as a couple. Outside of that, there is nothing else we can influence how our destiny unfolds.

Happy Birthday Y!

Y and I are close childhood friends. He's been there for as long as I can remember, through every good and bad in between then and now. He's helped me mature, grow and be a kind person.

I've been heavily influenced by him and his positive and yet pessimistic outlook in life. His happiness has become my own.

To celebrate you to night, I wish you a happy birthday, many more, with all the blessings out there there is. With a might heart to love and a mighty soul that loves thee as you are. To the kindest, gentlest person in the world. Happy Birthday, Y

Unwanted

As we were walking around, it seems it's time for Madison's annual time to leave your belongings outside and those who are in need of new ones, seek them as their old owners leave them. It's possibly maybe the only place in U.S. that I can ever think of people leaving their old furniture, possessions, belongings and other items to the curb and strangers willingly make good use of them. There doesn't seem to be a good bounty as of yet, though in a few days, it will be likely that there will be a great turn out, it wouldn't be bad if we ended up with a microwave, actually.

Large buildings, apartment complexes has left their goodwill donation pick up boxes for the convenience of everyone. Have I mentioned I love this city?

Ramadan Eid

Happy Ramadan Eid.

It's been a difficult Ramadan for me. I am not sure how much I am actually supposed to celebrate and enjoy the good deeds of Eid when I have stopped fasting after the second half of Ramadan.

The previous year, we had a wonderful Eid with friends, and even some family, gatherings. It was wonderful to celebrate with everyone. This year, it feels so alone, without anyone. It literally felt as if we were the only people in the world. It's just us now. No one to go to, no one to come over. It really doesn't feel like an Eid. Even Eid in Rochester would have been better than this.

It's at times like these that I wish we were nearer my family, at least within driveable distance that we could have visited them to be together for important observances. Important dates, special times, crucial days where one human simply needs another.

Here's to lonely Eids

In Preparedness

I am excited that we only have one more week in this apartment. It looks wretched, hallow and frigid now, as the way things are. Boxes that I am thrilled to open and place in my new apartment, new things I've secretly bought, saving here and there to use, over the course of the year. This place, I am not going to be sorry leaving it behind. Maybe, it will be a near relief to see them tear this place down in order to make a new high rise.

There is barely any space left to take a step and everything is a bit of a mess. I am tired of waiting and really feel as if there is not a drop of patience left. I am always mad, always angry. I just can't seem to do things right and overreact when I truly don't want to.

Uncared

I can't believe Ramadan is ending. I didn't think the month would have gone past by so quickly. It wasn't the greatest when I had to suffer through physicals and what not as I was fasting, It's been great that nearly the whole month, the first two weeks especially have been cool, which was like a well in the middle of the desert.

I don't particularly have great hopes for this Eid, considering that there isn't much to do or many others we could actually  celebrate it with. I don't know that if we'll even do anything as this goes the way they are.

Locks of Hair, Clicks of Time

I cut off a big chunk of my hair in May, right before our wedding ceremony. It's August and it's grown about two inches since then. Continuity of time continues to surprise me, it's always outside of my grasp and conviction. I can never pace myself accordingly and time slips by despite of me.

So much has happened since then. It feels like a long time and really, yesterday at the same time. I can't believe the fluidity of it all.

Here's to healthy hair and a healthy well being, misunderstood, misconceived measures of time.

A dab of Organix Moroccan Oil.

New Order of Things

I've decided I want to pack my weekdays and loosen up my weekends. I want to do my grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, baking during the weekdays so that on the weekends, I can afford to be lazy. I can do the things I've been meaning to do. I can go see that movie, sleep in, see friends, go see a movie.

Research, read an extra book, have fun, or do nothing at all. But I want time to myself where I can enjoy my new home, my husband and myself. I'd like to begin appreciating the things I do have and possess in my palm. The things we all tend to overlook and in the frustration of the post-modern world, take for granted, because after all, we don't remember a time where we were unable to possess the luxuries that we do have.

I will at least work out once a week, though ideal case would be three times per week, about thirty minutes each. I also would like to start doing Yoga. With my increasing back pains, it's going to come in handy.

Eventually, I'd like to read a novel a week, a short story a week and each day work through vocabulary, grammar, writing fiction related book, free writing, daily writing, observations, and blogging. I'd like to dedicate a good amount of money and increase the quality of my topics and context of my blogs. I'd also like to take a class here and there in the Fall, in whatever form I can afford. I'd like to join a critique group, and begin thoroughly interacting with the writer community in Madison.

I'd like to start Belly Dancing Instructing and getting my business off the ground.
Here's to a year with many hopes, wishes and goals!

Breathing Space

It's tighter, tighter than it's ever been before. But I can feel relief and happiness. I am glad some things are getting better, getting fixed and now we have a plan. Having a plan beats not knowing what the hell is going on and roughly estimate what can be expected.

We will be moving out of here soon, which is going to make me infinitely happier. When I have a new job...all of these things, culminate.

Breathing and there isn't much left to do until we actually move out. Until then I am making changes in the way I want to proceed things, going over what I want to do and what I want to accomplish and giving myself to research, listen to myself and make my schedule. Scheduling and having good blocks of time that I know what must be done and how things must be done.

I will definitely start working out once more, though with which intensity and how often is kind of up in the air. But I'll take even once a week.

So nevermore...

Lemures

Ever since that day, I've been plagued with nightmares. Daily, nightly terrors that keep building upon my anxiety, regret and guilty conscious, I've come to possess since that God awful, fated day in mid June. It didn't take any time to build, instead I woke up with the worst nightmare I had ever envisioned. Then continued to be the assailant of my dreams, night after night after that afternoon. By now it has become an established cycle of truth. I wake up, shaken by what I've seen, curious and worried about what this means and the weakened state of my spirituality. Then I go through what I must to get through the day. That means checking my emails, the news, the important sites of the day and go on to acquiring a job, finding out what course and in what order to take, how much is what going to cost, finish packing process, find this out for that, find this out for S, establish this for that and so on and so forth. I keep myself incredibly busy in even a faster pace. It's all so that I don't even take a moment to breathe and remember or give my brain the pause to relapse, remember and think. To feel.

Then the sun sets slowly and turns into a night.  The somber gravity of emotions settles in, I am reminded of my sin and the feelings of such a crushing abyss overtakes, in parts slowly. I delay it as much as I can, until I can no longer physically withstand the pain, the agony and the emotional torture it sacrifices on my body cells. Sleep is rare. Eventually though, I do drift into some sort of sleep state, none that has the ability to recover from my frantic guilt. None that gives me a restful sleep. Nights turn into morning and the restful sleep is no where to be admitted into my body, even if I do end up drifted into sleep. Sleeping is rare though. There is this shadow that lurks behind my heart, the night of my day that as soon as the sun sets and life becomes somber. I am reminded of my own reality, rather the one I must partake in daily, during the hours of the sun.  With the moon, so does my lemures comes out to play. They have been going hand in hand. And on a night such as the one described above, I've made it to the morning. Maybe it's the sun that stumbles on my pain and not the way around?

Tax

It's great to be able to actually get my taxes done. Sometimes when things might not monetarily benefit you, may benefit you other wise in the long run.
To be able to do this at this point in time is a big plus for us.
Thank you.