Madison

It feels weird to be in my own home, sleeping on my own bed, having my own mini kitchen and being in charge of my entire day again. It's reminiscent of why I wanted to move out in the first place again. Did I mention I loved living on my own despite it's ugly face and the difficulties, like if something got in your eye, there is no one there to blow it away for you. I have my own library back again, my own kitchen. My bathroom and things stay where I want them, with no intrusion. Small things that adds up to an insane or a happy life.  There was so much intrusion in Rochester...too much, that I can hardly tell how I functioned and it also explains all of the things that never got done. In Madison, I can suffer or smile in my own silence, my own space and in my own misery or happiness. I always did prefer to be alone, but not lonely.

Madison though seems as welcoming as it always has been. I missed the lively streets of University Ave. Monroe st. and well, who can not name Langdon and State streets? I missed the strange cafes with boldly painted walls, decorated with local artists' works, filled with students doing their assignments. The nooks and crooks that makes you feel at home and the live music at some point or another. The bikers, the runners, the nature nuts and it's strange festivals, never ending marathons and new events week after week. Madison I've missed you more than I am capable of describing. Only if you had engulfed my mother in you as you have engulfed me. If only my mother was here. I think I could have reached my nirvana here, for eternity.

As strange as this sounds, I've always felt more at home in Wisconsin than I have ever anywhere else. My adaptation was not a smooth process due to a bad influential person in my life at the time, who wouldn't let me settle down in my own way. Well, we can say, he's long gone by now. I am left to myself and I am settling in to my own heart's desire. Happiness has found me in Wisconsin despite to all of my life's downs. Downs pretty much make-up my life in it's entirety. However, I have found the ability to let go, grow up and be an adult here. Through the leaves, the sky that's always blue and far away, the lakes that always reminds me of Istanbul...I have found myself and happiness here. I can be at peace here, I am calm, quiet and most importantly I can be who I want to be here, with no judgment, no one to alter my behavior and words for. I can face myself. Whether it be my mistakes, my regrets or hopes and dreams. I can bravely face them much to my own surprise. I can say well this is what I did and this is how I will go about to amend, change and alter myself from now on. This is how I will react to myself to become someone better in every way I deem significant and a must.

What's different? To be blunt here, I am not so worked up like I am in Rochester-- Rochester feels like an oppressive tyrant that confiscates all of my colors and leaves me barren but with heavy metal armor that I have to keep wearing bitterly, against my will, putting on this show in order to protect myself. Everyday feels like a battle ground and months and years just dread on. Like a bad religious cult, it strips me down, leaves me naked, judges, persecutes, takes everything from me, leaving me without the necessary nourishment I need to survive, grow and become the person I have the potential to become. It stifles me out of my own future, leaving me bitter and angry, unaccomplished and miserable for all the things I didn't get to do. For all the people who has never understood me and will never understand me--Despite being surrounded by family and friends, my loneliness is indescribable in Rochester. I don't have to fight for my soul in Madison--instead I can nurture it and give it the room it needs to expand and find all of it's colors, feathers and the houses it wants to reside in, making itself one huge home that nests in it firstly with a warm embrace, than comfortably and happily.

I can be any shape, any color, any texture I want, in any way I would like to be. My heart is instantly lighter and my shoulders are not instantly aching in order to be prepared for an invading assault on my personhood. Madison, gives me a reason to smile and allows me to branch out, experiment and find myself in all of it's odds, ends and unlikely possibilities combined in the ordinary possibilities that packages itself in a unique but efficient package in my doorstep to find and explore again and again. The amount of growing up I have done in Wisconsin is tremendous.

Thank you Madison! I know I might not have come here with all of the right reasons, however I am glad whatever wind brought me here. I have found you and in you I have found myself. This is something no one else will ever or could give me. For that, I am indebted and will always be indebted to you.
Thank you!