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Well, I don't know where to begin. I am quite irritable, exhausted and my spirits are so low, I think they might have reached hell at this point. Oh, there is also something weird going on with my eye that I can't tell what it is and it is driving me insane. It's burning, and has made my eye quite red, also whatever got in there, it's making my eye red.

Having left late Sunday Night, I got to Chicago around ten a.m. and home around 6 p.m. I could have been home two hours earlier, but the bus driver decided that my one extra bag was one too many bags and did not let me embark on the bus. So I had to wait for the other bus that arrived two hours later in order to get home. Needless to say, it was a pain and I am still trying to recover. Of course having found a large pile of bills, more bad news and a home that needed major cleaning. So I spent the rest of the evening and most of the night crying, cleaning and then crying some more. Having five bags of fifty pounds each of course was not easy on my body either. The worse of the two is having to put everything back to place in those fifty pounds each of those five bags.

I think the worst was having to say goodbye to my mother all over again. It feels like this is the first time I am leaving home to live on my own. I don't think I even got this sad then. I've had a close relationship with my mother all of my life, with some tension around when I was 16-17, but that dissipated too soon enough. However, the last two years of my life, my mother and I have never been closer. Living with her for two, almost three months were a blessing, but as the heart grows fonder, the roots grow out and completely wrap itself. Letting go of my mother was the hardest thing I had done this week. I wish there was a way we could have been closer. It's like I've been lamenting non-stop since I stepped onto that train.

For the first time my home felt so empty, regardless of how much I've always embraced and have made my apartment my own.

I am afraid relearning how to cope with my mom's physical absence is going to be much more difficult than it was originally and getting used to not spending time with her is going to be even more painful than before.