Patience

I have never really been a patient person. My mother, my entire life has been the epitome of a patient person. She is on the same level as a saint for me. I have never seen anyone else so soft spoken, driven, but unable to hurt anyone else in the process and someone who sacrifices herself for the sake of others, many times, repeatedly.

I think I am much more like my father in these things. He is more haste, abrupt, temperamental and a little unstable. Easily discouraged and quickly alleviated to hopelessness and desperation. Ironically, my entire life I've always had to wait for nearly every single thing I have come to possess or been able to climb up to on the success ladder (I haven't gotten very far). So the very little that I do have, has come after long periods of waiting, hoping, praying and then giving up. When the thing I desire no longer becomes desirable and something in need or an essential, sometime after, I will gain said thing. That is the vicious, hateful, malicious cycle of my life and more or less I have learned to live with it. I've learned to limit the number of things I desire, want and deem essential in my life. Less expectations means I am waiting for less number of things and when things don't turn out so great, I haven't waited for nothing. A little more logical if you ask me.

But lately, with everything that has happened in August/September, I still can't take things out of my mind (which by the way, I really should. I really doubt this is a good sign), and it is truly annoying, to no ends. I want to get it out of my head and my heart. But I am still seething with anger and misery and I don't know where else to take it out at. I think I have already taken it out as much as it is possible within human bounds and logic. Why am I being so impossible, so difficult and so stuck up on something that happened in the past? I cannot for the life of me get over it. I must, because I believe I see the warning signs of what will happen if I do not. Yet, though it has instilled the fear of God in me, I still fantasize about all the ways I will get back. My patience has been wearing thin. I keep delaying the promised time, obviously for the good of everyone involved. I must increase the threshold of my patience, though I have no idea how. This will be a good practice and a good skill to have for future references. However, currently, I am drowning and it feels like there is no one to guide me up to the surface from the bottom of the jealous ocean.