Abundance of Time

Abundance of Time...such a comparative term. It all started with the idea of having several stable constants in one's life, life a regular occurring work shift. Considering I work Monday through Thursdays and often vigorously for eight hours a shift, it occupies much of my four days a week where I must get things done by two in order to have a sane and capable, also productive shift at work. After all, my work is both physically and mentally demanding as I must remember about a billion things to do without a list and well, dealing with customers is just the icing on the cake, who never seem to be pleased with anything at all, or they're always ungrateful.

So, it's always the weekday that I scramble through, rushing from one task to the next, but I get things done. Even if not everything on my list, most of it gets done. That's because I know I don't have the time and I either do it now, or can't do it at all (because I won't have the time later on and at night when I come home it's too late and I am way too tired to do it), so I suck it up and do it and usually end up enjoying pretty much all of it, at the very least partially. So with limited time, we usually try to do the most of it, knowing it is limited and we've got appointments and things to do. But when we have abundance of time, we end up stalling or doing other things and end up doing little things, accomplishing nothing and rather end up having a stress stroke because a lack of done things on my list.

So, is having no obligations to fulfill, no responsibilities to acquire, is that good for self growth and self development? Can we actually go on to open up our visions and deepen our thoughts on life and our own personalities without other things going on in our lives to enrich our souls?  Can we grow without complication and obstacles? As a writer can't simply write sitting on her bed without looking at the window and how that view gets complicated by other experiences, we can't grow as human beings without some sort of dilemma and other things that pushes our limits.

Abundance of time isn't the thing that simply makes us grow. It's what comes along in that time that makes us grow. It's the  limits that we must push beyond to unfold and make ourselves in the shape we would like to be without losing the sight of what we have always held dear and what we always wanted to establish.

Uninterrupted Reading

Uninterrupted reading is the only true way to read at least for me. A clean, well-lighted place that is comfortable and a safe haven from the interruptions and challenges of life, but keeping reality at bay, just removing it's immediate threats from the reading process.

Reading by the window with the help of natural sun light and a comfortable mug at hand, filled with hot coffee, every once in a while after taking a sip of black coffee and looking up and taking the view in, thinking about the language of the book. There must be a comfortable large chair or a couch where I can snuggle up and get lost into the world of the book without switching, being stifled or feeling overcrowded and no legs falling asleep either.With that, well, we I can read for a long time to come, getting lost in the fictive world, turning the page one after another, delightfully delectable.

mm, and what a wonderful time it sounds like. Only if I could always be reading all the books I want to read without time restrictions or having to worry about having to fit stuff in before such a time because I have to be at work in the afternoons. Reading far into the night sounds so electrfyingly pleasing right now that, it's all I can think about and how short of that dream is from becoming realized once again.

Steady Does It

Today was a reminder of the days gone past and not in the good way where it's reminiscing of the good ol' days gone.  There is no wonder I've been depressed and felt the weight of the world and multiply that by two. I had been shackled--chained so hard and tight, unable to wonder off...to breathe, couped up in my apartment, without seeing the blue skies, inhaling the fresh air, cut off from everything that is human and emotionally inspiring. Everywhere I went, every turn I took lead me to another dead end with a greater disappointment and no smiling face to encourage me to do better. Instead it encouraged to be ashamed of myself, grow uncomfortable in my own skin and mind, imprisoning me further into the depths of hell. Questioning my own purpose and beginning to feel like there was no reason for my existence at all. Psychological hell is so shattering to the human psyche, to the mind, and physically debilitating at the end that you are just awful. You're no different than the log that's lying on the ground.

The Worst Monday

And it's the wrong way to start the day, the week, late, heaved, derailed, melancholy, home, sleepy and regretful.

So, instead, just few hours away from work, instead of finishing I should have finished, I'm left with this gaping hole of failure, a voice screaming inside my head "see, I told you so. You can't keep it up". It's fall, my favorite season, it's raining and gray, my favorite weather and my favorite person is on to talk to me and...here I am...moping and feeling sorry for myself, trying to reason that it's justifiable, probable and that I can catch up.

How wonderful it is to actually do things again after a weekend of not doing anything in particular. Yesterday night, I partially did my list of things to do as I had a solemn promise to myself to do a ton of reading (which as of yet have only read several pieces of poetry an an essay, along with news articles) and no writing whatsoever (except a mini blog entry and a mini journal entry). This morning though, waking up a little earlier (still late though) getting through laundry, my vocab, grammar readings, dream journal, journal, blog, essay reading, poetry reading....and I am on a roll and it's not even two in the afternoon. With just my reading and writing left to do...I feel good today, unlike the past two days of just dealing with house work and going out :)

It's a wonderful fall day here, it's sunny but crisp, I have a cup of hot coffee that fills my home with a roasted smell that is to die for. Irem and I bought Halloween/Fall themed decorations from Target :) We filled them with popcorn and more and more, everyday my apartment feels like a home.It's grown comfortable, cozy and warm. With the orange pumpkin door-mat, Frankenstein (improperly named) candy dishes, a pumpkin lantern, towels decorating every inch of my tiny kitchen. My laundry folded, I am happy today. Sitting on the floor, sipping from my coffee and with a conference call over Skype going on, my hot water on the stove, the hissing sound brings comfort to my soul, reassuring me I'm home once more. Dickens, await my return from the Arbotoreum to fall into your possessive and eloquent language, where my heart resonates and finds it's home in it's nooks of commas and words like thither, hither.

Happiness comes in small packages, only just as fleetingly.

Veterans' Museum

Sometimes it's hard to remember the past and acknowledge you've been wronged and you've wronged.I guess it's as natural as it comes in human nature, but it's a whole different issue when it comes to actually dealing with it's heavy burden. I don't know how many hours for how many years I've thought about this very same topic. For way too many hours for a very long time. Unfortunately there is no short, precise cut answers. There is no formula as cliche as that is. Righting wrong is even more difficult to manage as you can never go back in time and pretend something that is broken, isn't broken. Once a vase is broken, it's broken no matter how much you glue it together. Memories...the sting they carry, the way they creep up on you in your dreams, to haunt you in your waking hours and to wound you as the present carries it's momentum, blurs and lack of hindsight to further put you into trouble, missing it's significance altogether. The only that emerges is that love can be, is often sacrificed and should be in the bigger picture of the things that seems to lie behind us and will be revealed throughout the course of the time as we, ourselves unfold.

Yakup, I miss you.

Full Circles

And I've come back a full circle. I've ended exactly where I started off three and a half years ago. It seems like my life (like everyone else's) is just a repetition of themes that has been decided long ago. The invisible hand of the free market seems to have moved into my personal market of miseries, sorrows and lessons to be learned and relearned.

So what is different from the last time I stood at the beginning of the circle, started to draw a wider circle than before. Which inevitably, this time around the circumference will be larger. There aren't many changes, usually they're minor exception of one big thing; I'm on my own now; sometimes it makes a little difference, sometimes it makes a world of difference.

Yesterday night, there was melancholy in reminiscence. I am not particularly fond of realizing the one thing I wanted to hold on to just slipped through my very hands, eroding as I paraded it around in my hands for everyone to see.It was bitter to come into recognition and realize what I have lost cannot be replaced ever, or replenished as the well has long been dried up beyond repair or leaving any hope for a possibility of recovery.

So then, what is left and what do I do? Particularly not much. I learn from my mistakes, wait until my bruises fade away and continue to gallop around my widening but more threatening circles of life, themed far beyond my plotting and without the ability of my interventions.

Fall Outs

I guess the last time I had a bad fall out with an ex was when I was very young and madly in love with Fait. I worked differently and I was seething with anger then. With time, that erased and nothing but a fond memory was left, not that we had  much to go on, which lead me to let go in the first place.

I guess the next guy was a little rough too as I was the one that wanted to break away in the first place as well. We don't talk anymore but exception of those two, I've always remained on friendly, at the very least civil terms with my exes where I kept their numbers, facebook accounts and kept on living my life as usual without any difficulties or interruptions. I didn't have a fall out, fights or grown paranoid over it.

It's sad and very disappointing that it has come to this, especially when you hold a person in a dear light and then things kind of crumble down and everything melts away enough to change your understanding and perception of that person.

Since when is judgement towards a person who is living their life the way they want to, to the fullest in their belief is passable and sickening? I can't really describe the hurt these words have left behind, but I keep marching to my own drum....that I have to. Considering that I am not doing illegal, self destructive, illicit and dangerous behavior, not adopting any strange and awkward, threatening friends, my mind set not growing narrower, why is it so bad I've decided to go on about life, doing things differently than the norm, however the way I want to do them. Not because I just want to be different, but truly because this is the way I am and how I see the world.

I am not particularly used to Fall outs, even with Mesut and three years with him. We just continued on to our own lives as we used to before. I am sure if I called him today for a favor or needed his help with something, as long as that was within his doable limits, he would do them for me, which was proven when I called him for a ride after taking some of Ozlem's stuff.

But on, we must go. It's sad and I am hurt, I take he is even more hurt, but we all much do what we individually must do. I am trying to settle into life and go further than I've ever been before and accomplish the goals I've set myself long ago.

It's Just a Wednesday

Well, first off, I am starving so my thinking is hindering at the moment and I just wanted to get these journal and blog writing out of the way before noon so I could focus on my novel and my plotting of the story I seem to be smitten right now. Get 'em down while they're fresh. To be buzzing with ideas and feelings and feeling like my brain is working again, which is better than most rewards I could have been given.


Getting a later start than I've been accustomed to in the last few months, things are a little off today. I am not physically feeling great today either, however, I am blowing through my list like the hurricane that ruined all of my traveling plans and adjustments and ended up having me pay so much more money and gone through more sordid problems than I would have other wise.


A second job search is ensuing as I hope something will turn out soon. I hope so for the sake of being able to sleep comfortably again and meeting my own deadlines. If I don't end up doing what I wanted to do for New Year's I'm afraid that 2012 is going to be more horrid yet, at least I would start with a hateful, wretched and unhappy year, that's a guarantee.

Milwaukee, just a few days more.

Rise Before the Sun

I do hope this waking up early, holds a stick this time around for much, much longer than my usual roundabout. I've been waking up even before the sun decides to wake up for the day, recently (when I say recently, I mean for the past two months or so) consistently which is giving me all this extra boost of energy, confidence, morale and well, see the endless number of things I plow through my list of things to do at incredible speeds. All this, I even before to work at 3:00 p.m. So the energizer bunny continues. Well, I can tell you what a delight this all has been. At times, I even find myself shocked at my own changing habits or the durability of the habits I've been able to create. I am still hoping for them to persist far into the future. Regardless of the whys, hows and what not, I am glad it has. It has given me a whole new canvas and vibrant pastel colors to live my life through.

For the first time in what feels like forever, however the timing is about 2 or 3 years or so, it feels like I am actually living, doing, achieving and succeeding, growing closer rather than noticing the objects on the moon have changed their positions ever so slightly, the color of the hovering sky has grown darker or lighter and ex post facto that days have changed on the calender leaves, but leaving without a satisfying day. Days have just accumulated and been erased from my life. I had endured that for the last three years, give or take. But to have this instead is firstly a delight and secondly a gift. A gift that's extremely sacred and perishable at the same time one. One I fear of losing once again as I've found it.


I've caught onto my blend of happiness, oh and how very addictive it is (more addictive than a good cup of Turkish Coffee with Turkish delights on the side), I'm barely able to keep that all to myself. I can hardly contain myself. Well, I am out to explore and let the world change me and let the sun shine on me.


Hello world,
Hello life

Adventures of Self Goals

I've been recently out exploring some of the places I've always told myself that I will go and pay a visit at least once while I am here. In the past week that's been true somewhat as I've entered for the first time into the Froth House, Ma Chai Tea House and Gallup Coffee House along with Orange Tree Imports. I'd say that's a pretty good deal for one week with enough money spending. It's good to be out there and finally realizing some silly, little goals that's been set a long time ago with never having had the chance to actually do them. It feels good to do things no matter how small or big. It's true missing the big opportunities can dampen the mood and leave one, especially me pretty down feeling like the biggest failure around the world. But small things add up gradually over time and rather becoming a part of a (my) persona. See, unlike the one time, big dose of good or bad that cuts through like a knife in your personality, the little things have a way of climbing up the ladder and leaving a longer lasting effect perhaps. So while at large things are not looking so great for me (as that second job is needed ASAP), it's also a good thing that there are many positive things that I hope will keep me grounded enough to complete the goals I'm striving for.



Froth house isn't as great as it looks from the outside, however the couches by the large window pane are amazing, and if you end up there before or after the high schoolers' lunch rush, you should be at least having a productive and a comfortable time there. It's a whole different deal while high school is out in lunch; unfortunately there is very little they can do about this considering the neighborhood and the approximity of the school to the cafe.

Ma Chai Tea offers a comfortable, silent and an eccentric atmosphere with high cost tea that seems hardly worth it. The tea is no better than Froth house which is just 1.87 for a cup while at this tea house it's near four bucks. I found that a little annoying considering how tight the economy is for everyone. But I got some serious work done with the quiet and silent pretty strictly imposed, broken once or a few times.

Gallup Coffee House was excellent. Irem and I thought it was a great price for the product with a homey environment that seems to warm up the very center of your creative juices. This is not my first time in truth, but rather had bad memories in there that needed exorcising and now created anew, fresh and blank page it's set to create many wonderful  and happy memories.

Orange Tree Imports ended up being my shopping place all things  Halloween decorations. I am not sure if I'll be able to actually afford buying more Halloween decorations, however I did buy a pack of glass jewels, a Happy Halloween sign and an awfully cute glass pumpkin witch candle holder that might just complete the entire holiday for me with some pumpkin carving, pies and lattes :)

Dissipating Ideas

I opened up my blogspot page long before I actually decided to write on here. I had this marvelous idea to write about moments before I clicked on my blogger tab and then voila, the second I've pressed it, all ideas have dissipated into thin air.

I realize that if I don't write things as they come to me, I have a tendency to lose them, quite quickly or unable to call them is a constant haunter of mine. I've been working hard on a story for the past few days. I am not sure how long it will eventually be, I am not remotely near actually writing the draft, but outlining. You know the time consuming, but significantly essential brainstorming where the story develops and where there is a story to the story. Yeah, that. It's been rather great to delve in this particular world though. Incredibly different than mine.

So here we are. I have today and tomorrow's my last work day. I am desperate to get a check from my work though, I would love to pay my rent. That's a pretty good thing to do with my Credit Card coming with me everywhere I go and the bill I'm dreading to pay. It would be good to have cash now.

I've been reading Dickens for the past two weeks. It's quite a change of pace from the other books I've read mostly this summer. My goal is to have read all of Dickens' classics by the end of the year.

P.S. there is nothing like taking a brief walk under the sun with blue skies as autumn approaches with the rustling of the green leaves that are just about getting ready to turn into different colors and then withering away for the winter. A healthy dosage of reality and optimism in one neat shot.


Edit: I feel like I just can't express myself enough lately. There is always something that's being left unsaid, undone, unlived, unfelt. I am brimming with feelings, ideas and this incipience of things to happen (things I am not ready, but here they are, within my core. I don't remember anyone asking me about this. Do they ever?) and yet, I can't exactly pinpoint towards what it is that I am feeling, thinking, though it feels I am still focused enough and not confused. ( It's a good thing to be not confused) yet...Something is not truly out. Things have settled...a little. I am still trying to reestablish a solid routine here that won't break easily under most circumstances and to return back to a normal life (I'm finding that difficult to do despite the fact that that's the only thing I've been working towards), but getting pulled in to problems and dark times just feels too easily. I could just plop down and well, problems, confusion, darkness and depression are there to catch me in it's tight bosom that doesn't like to let go once it attains you. So where does this leave me? No where particularly. I am not close to anything. I have determined a set of goals (yay, success) however I have at least a whole year to go to before I could achieve any one of these things (more waiting and my patience is wearing thin) I am optimistic and working hard towards those goals but it really feels like I'm marching on my old beaten path and it feels like all of my attempts will fall short again. But then I keep finding myself saying, if I could get over this..I know this time. So hopefully that incessantly nagging sounds will be actualized by self prophecies and I won' be in this corner feeling like a mouse.

The difference of people at work

So returning back to an old job definitely wounds one's pride and ego. Coming back to the place you've left, but having your employer always gracious enough to accept you again to their midst. It bruises ego incredibly.  I didn't have much of a choice as the rent needs paying. However, there is something different this time around. This time around, it's not me that's tired, drained, rushing to complete things with this heavy bulk on my shoulders and my inability to breathe. This time, it's them with the problems they haven't figured out and have grown too tired to overload anyone else. The prep work has gone down which leaves me with a lot less stress to finish through the shift. How much of a difference the number of things to do on your list makes. It gives that sense of things could be managed and I don't have to overwhelm myself everyday. What a wonderful treat this becomes. Secondly, we have a missing person that I believe has made all the difference in the store atmosphere and tone. Everyone is a little bit more relaxed, things seem a little bit more comfortable and no arrogance to bother you throughout the shift.

It's true, I don't enjoy going into my shift. But at least I don't dread it, which in a store like this is a great surplus. It's all due to the fact that one particular person isn't around. Well, my heart flutters at this opportunity to work virtually stress-free in comparison to my prior experience with this store.

You know we always say, well if you're unhappy with your work and you're not personally satisfied at the job you're doing, then well, quit. To say "quit" nowadays carried a potent reaction within people. Sure, some of us have the ability to quit. Not having a pay check come in every week doesn't push them to the line of poverty and starving. However, there are many people who literally live pay check to pay check, so quitting isn't an option for them, unless they have already filed their next job, which is hard to come by these days. Unemployment rates are high and social mobility has been going down for many Americans across the country. So, the old sayings, at least currently holds to be untrue. People now have to endure their difficult and draining work positions because there is no hope to have something better instead, or to find it quickly.

So we're left to stay where we are, marching and treadding the same earth until, well, until what? Until government gets better? Until we better ourselves? And just how exactly do we do that?

Yakupcugunla konustugu icin cok mutlu :D


Umuyorumki Allah Yakup'u benim hayatimdan hic sokup almaz. O olmazsa, ben naparim? Kim benim kabuslarimla savasmamam icin guc vericek. Kim onun kadar beni anliyor ki? Hayatimin gunesi gibi, hep parlayip, her daim beni mutlu edip, icimi rahatlatip, gulduren bir insan. Tertemiz kalpli, sicacik bir gulusu var, ahlakli, ve insanlar kiymetini, degerini bilip, duzgun davranan, dunyada cok nadir bulunan insanlardan bir. Duam, hayatimdan hic kaybolmamasi.

Cosmic Reasons, Innate Confidences

I hope there is some sort of cosmic reason as to why I'm still up. Irem's already asleep, tightly curled up on my bed, warm and safe there, though a bit uncomfortable as my reading lights are diffracted on the wall and find their way into her eyes. The image bothers me a little, but I must do what I need to...or so I am hoping a motto like that exists somewhere with quite the tolerance.


Why am I here, again, after such a small break? Usually, on nights like these I prefer to write into my journal, keep it tucked away in my red bin where no one ever even spots it. After the entry is done, even I forget about it. After all, what is a few thousand entries like that in the journal of a basket case like me? Anyway, I wanted to write and here's the relief cream to the itch.

We can say I've had a long day. At least a full day. Unfortunately things are not looking up for me. There is no positive picture to hang on my wall and glance at it every time one little thing goes wrong. On the other hand, there are plenty of negative pictures constantly undermining any step further, a positive line, a warm smile or even a genuine thought. Often, it feels like the universe is trying to discourage me from, well basically doing anything in my life or living with a solid purpose, (one of the many I'd love to have) that I'm passionate about. Circles are the message here, the theme, the symbolism, the metaphor and well, the point of this whole damn Blog.

Things are not only up in the air, therefore chaotic, but it's like a labyrinth not only inside my mind (not to mention the huge emptiness I feel inside, or more correctly, nonexistence of any feeling thereof to mention, other than physical clues to my physical well-being) but so is each circumstance. I think of my environmental factors and circumstantial blocks as ribbons, red ribbons to be precise. The problem is that actually only a few are directly linked to me of which only few I've tugged on with a pinky finger, but these red ribbons seem to form a perfect circle by tightly holding hands with one another and coming to jab me with it about from a million and perhaps more possible sources. Those darn ribbons! They're solid and flexible. No matter where I try to tackle the problem at, any solution I find, they find a way to nestle there and create more obstacles, further disabling me from being a human being that can function at her capacity. I don't want to be brilliant, I just want to function in the capacity I should be. Not under it. If there is one thing I truly despise that is probably lazy people and just having a grand old lazy life. I am about ready to X this post and never let a pair of human eyes look at it ever again. Perhaps cockroaches would enjoy it more in paper format for something of a snack.

I am stuck in the tightest rut hole I've ever been in (and I've been in plenty of them before, all pretty darn tight, and here I am with the tightest where my lungs can't expand enough for a full breath. I've learned to live with breathing through my nose only with huffs and puffs instead) and well, unless some sort of miracle or something just short of that doesn't happen, I doubt anything will get better. But yet, for the first time since about almost three years now, I have my old and what I used to think very innate confidence. I had never worried before I had moved to Wisconsin, I've learned to worry out here, in the neck of the woods (I've always linked it with/ blamed it on my awareness of my own situation actually being awake and functioning, rather than blindly living as I believe I've used to do) I have that foolish innate confidence that keeps me smiling throughout the day, once or twice just enough to get me home to a misery crash in front of my journal or on my laptop. I feel like things are going to go right for me this time around and I'm actually throwing large rocks towards the bottom of an endless lake where I keep praying I'll just throw enough that an island will emerge built on the rocks I've so vehemently thrown in there a phase or two ago. That pretty much summarizes the entire situation without naming any specifics, as if I actually needed to point out the obvious and banal. While I've learned to worry more, it also seems that I've recaptured some of my old resilience and spark to actually go out, put myself out there and do things I might not have had the courage (or had that courage crippled, namely...I am not going to do this game again though). It feels well pretty good to be blatant. But it also feels like home, reassuring and entrenching seeds of hope into my once fertile and virile, but now scorched and impotent soil. I guess time will tell. Hopefully it won't pass too quickly where I'll end up with empty palms once again.

Franz Kafka

Franz Kafka no doubt has had an interesting life. Also his stories such as the "Judgement", "The Hunger Artist" and his novella the "Metamorphosis" are amongst his most known stories, also the ones that has been critically acclaimed at the same time.

Kafka has an interesting style that's harder to come across with in comparison to say authors like, Woolf, Joyce, Austen, Dickens, Hemingway, Salinger. I am not saying these authors are bland, but it's a lot easier to run into people who write like Hemingway, Salinger, Dickens and Austen than it is to come across more writing like Kafka's. No doubt getting his doctorate in law and being an insurance agent has influenced his writing structure. Law, regardless of where it is conceived, practiced and executed tends to be detailed, hefty and, well a daft language use. It is also dry at the same time with extra formal sentences, structure and long, never ending prepositional sentences that sometimes we forget the predicate. Sometimes that's how it feels like when reading Kafka's stories.

No doubt, I loved his novella the "Metamorphosis". I think it's quite an interesting idea and the use of apples in the story relating back to the original sin are quite interesting to add. However, some of his other writings have kept me ... well, wandering about other things. He is rather fond of repetition in the most bland and blatant way sometimes that could be offensive rather than creating patterns...at least that's how it felt to me.

But Kafka is still a writer I enjoy, someone I hold with the utmost respect and find his ideas on law and punishment quite interesting, especially the way these two underlining ideas create different themes and mood for his stories.

Post Labor Day

Now that labor day long weekend is over, it's back to routine and normalcy. Or so, what we have of it.

Today started off good, waking up early and getting to my studies. I'll go and talk to a few people about jobs today while I'll roam around to look for new jobs. Hopefully I'll be able to land one..or two to take care of the financial crisis I am in and can't seem to be able to get out of. But if I do get out of it, ah, how wonderful life would be and I can learn to relax finally. Well, all is but a hope.

Now, the only I am hoping for is positive feedback from my job search. This is crucial.In times like these, I'm humbled and relearn the meaning of humility.  I think most humans, eventually realize that hard work, with a great charming smile and that sleek charisma gets you to open many doors that might other wise never have admitted you. But sometimes the solutions we imagine and crack open our heads to get out of the candid situations we're in are useless or always out of reach due to a large hovering ominous obstacle that lays flat on our path to simply put success and happiness. Sometimes none of the solutions we come up with does anything, regardless of endless hours of work we put in, the studious habits we create and the diligence we show in enduring through the daily schedule we painstakingly create in the first place, rain or shine. Sometimes when things are not meant to be, they are not meant to be and even though we pray thoroughly from the bottom of our heart and work extremely hard to realize a goal--it just doesn't happen. And sometimes all there is to blame is the circumstances. Because sometimes we do all there is to do.  Unfortunately there are no guarantees of getting repaid for your hard work. So what do you do then? Well, I unfortunately don't have the answer, hence I am still straddled in the situation I've just so elaborately discussed, possibly to the point of beating the horse dead. Recently I was at the point of giving it all up and damning it to hell. But then, I realized, of course quite miraculously over in my dreams that that's all I would be doing for the rest of my life, a bit too depressive and repetitious for my liking. As much as I like daily routines to further my knowledge in academic areas, by no means do I like monotone and I seek change quite often. Probably more often than your average Jane Doe. It's not the kind of life I want for myself, that's for quite sure. So the only path to go on is the one I've been treading, working at it until it gets better, because unless I do something it's not going to get better on it's own anyway. So with that as my only option left, what else am I to do? Of course to get up and look for jobs as I keep my research and academic work.

Renewing Routines

Just when I thought at least I had my morning routine down. Well, we both overslept a little. But it looks like I'm going to have to change my morning routine at the very least by including some sort of physical activity in it. My back aches and the soreness of my legs have pushed me thus far and I might as well turn a bunch of lemons into a even more bitter lemonade that's healthy for me.

I've been feeling a little better for the past few days as I've felt horrible at nights as the dusk sets down and the melancholy finds it's nest within my soul. I am not sure why, but usually it's because the mornings are full or promise and, yes, I am going to use the word ripe. Our mornings are hectic and by three a lot of things has been accomplished. The rest well then, opens up to imagination, giving room to think about a lot of positive and the negative, thus leaving me with a vulnerability. I am not going to suggest to myself that I just make myself more busy so that I can just not think about it. I know very well that never is going to be the resolution. I've tried it and it only lead me to the bigger mistakes of my life. It doesn't work for me specifically, but it also doesn't work for anybody else on this earth. Pretending a problem isn't there, doesn't mean that's it's getting solved on it's own, or that it's not getting any bigger. The worst part about this whole situation is that while I am well aware of the situation, I am not capable of actually solving the problem, why? Because I currently don't possess the tools necessary to solve them.

But having a routine, giving me some sort of academic and soul nourishment is helping me, at least thinking about things in those long walks we've been taking. So maybe, with a little bit more physical exercise, this could turn out to be a healthy thing, at least keeping me focused on the problem, looking for other solutions out there. On a side note, it's giving me some of the old flexibility and the athletic body that I used to have that I never thought about, but had as a result of swimming.

Well, with that said, I'm off to try on my new routine.

Routines and Productive Sundays

It has been about five days since Irem and I have temporarily moved in to my tiny apartment together. Wow, that's a long sentence with too many modifiers. We now vaguely have a routine together that will build and clearly be defined in the next two weeks, after I've found a job. My job is essential in our completed and revised schedule and routine together, because it will likely to take about eight hours of my time, about four to five days a week, along with school. The two together will first determine my schedule,  dictating when I do what reserved time spaced, specific allotted times for specific time periods. In return by default  this will affect her schedule, what she does when, exception of her morning hours where she will mandatorily attend school. This is all great in and of itself, however, of course there will be a few loose screws until I get that job. Hopefully that job will land on my lap quite soon, like this week.

Aside from that, today has been a tremendously productive day. I woke up around I want to say nine-ish and got down to writing my journal, into my dream journal, doing my grammar study for the day and also reading on my chapter a day How to book series which included (how to write a short story,  and how to write a poem). I've cleaned my home, we've had a huge breakfast, taken about two hours to walk around/sight seeing/taking loads of pictures. What's up next on our agenda? We'll be going to the pool, the sauna, coming home for a little grooming session, get ready and go down to the Memorial Union to watch the boat parade, and finally coming home to study :)
Life is as good as it can be right now. Thank you God.

Farmer's Market

It's been a long time since I went out grocery shopping... or moving away from shopping for food to the shopping for home. It feels good to do something for yourself, or for your home if you care about those kind of stuff. But what's even greater is being a part of the big sea of people, ritualistically creating a wide, rough edged circle around the state capital building. If that's not emotive and evocative at the same time, powerful and potent to the human mind and emotions, I am not quite sure what would be. you're literally in the courtyard of the legislature, where farmers set up their standards, displaying their products of their hard work produce of all sizes, colors and textures. To be that close to governmental buildings is not something we, the regular folk is ready to. Well, it is quite possible right here where I live. It has quite the enchanting feeling to be haggling a dozen of sweet corns down to four dollars right in front of the recalling Scott Walker chants.

We bought a good amount of stuff for rather a cheap price, enough to last us for the next several weeks at the very least. If we can keep this up, this should save me loads of money while giving me lots of chances to cook to my heart's desire and test out my cooking capabilities...something I've been looking forward for a long time now.

There is a concert in Memorial Union today. Coming back though, I have lots of catching up to do in my daily schedule. This is not to say that I haven't done anything at all. Quite the contrary, I've done a lot of stuff, like cleaning my bathroom, kitchen, produce placement, news and political research, poetry reading, journal writing, but a good portion of my activities await to be done, after my bills getting paid. I have to say, there is nothing better than a tidy desk and paid bills. It makes me blisfully happy.

Until next time,

Naz~

Day 2

We're off to not a great day. We both slept in, our alarm clocks didn't go off and well, the day just has not been a stellar day. Life has been giving me the feeling of dragging, waiting it out and resisting any attempt, wish I may throw at it, try to persuade it, or try to slide it in. Trapped sounds like the perfect word to describe my situation.

I am surrounded on all sides, with very little space to move. My attention can't seem to be contained, I am anxious all the time and my focusing abilities has shrunk to a quarter of it's regular capacity. I want to do everything and anything and all the time and right now. Tough luck for me, I am moving at the speed slower than of a snail.

I just can't seem to catch up and it's further depressing me to no end. I just wish I was able to accomplish one thing...

deep breathing and I am thinking I should start yoga and meditation. Maybe that can give me the perspective it seems to me that I'm lacking.

Life as I know it.

I am not sure if I like the new lay out of this blog. Sure people say it's more convenient...but I am not so confident about that. It looks awfully confusing and well, needless transformations poke my eye out.

Anyway, I am digressing though. It's been a crazy few days and life has been..hectic. My heart won't stop aching and the beats won't slow down for anyone or anything. I've never realized how hard it was to take care of someone and to be a provider for them, endlessly answering their questions and having to share your space as well. The older I get, the more I appreciate my mother. This is a great experience that I probably will cherish for the rest of my life...Only if I could find a job though. If I can manage that, the rest of my time with Irem is going to end up being fabulous. I will be happier most importantly. This weight from my conscious and the pressure from my shoulders would lift and leaving me infinitely lighter. I am not sure how to act or say or do some things around, I am afraid I might come off as rude or intolerant. That is definitely not the way I want to be towards her.

These past few days has been challenging both physically and mentally, leaving me exhausted and well, nonchalant. I haven't been able to do any work since I got back due to the necessities of bringing 8 luggages with you, laundry and moving back in...quite literally. It's a good thing I've got a system of mine that saves time and reduces headaches for me. We all learn by making mistakes right?

I just hope the swelling in my chest goes down and I can come over this difficulty without a great exposure, embarrassment or humiliation.