Catching up to Life

*sigh*. Deep Breath. Whoo. What busy couple of weeks that was!

My time was filled both with joy and has left me with great memories to remember by. However, it has also left me a little tired, emotionally drained and well, while other things got done, some things got left out, unfinished, undone, incomplete. It seems I also have to catch up on other things that I had figured I'd always have down, like my prayers. But I am glad today that I was able to catch up with my prayers and home economics :) Little things around the home add up and can either decrease or increase peace and happiness I find at home... I am willing to bet nearly anything that it is also the same for anyone who views their living quarters as home, rather than just an apartment, house or some temporary living arrangements. The few moments I get to catch up, catch my breath and enjoy the peace, stability and freedom of living alone, the contentment I have from life are always welcome and never last long enough. And moments like these, I can do anything, as life seems like a cold river that just rushes down, peacefully though, as it takes in all the soil around it, integrating into the sea of life. I can take my time, read that book I've been putting off, rearrange my poetry and focus on an old letter that never got finished.

Life is good, thank you GOD.

Ne bicim birseysin sen oyle ya. Damladin, tap, tap, tap, farkina bile varmadan, sana ait kocaman bir okyanus olustu icimde.

Religion

Religion seems to be making a come back in many ways, in various countries. For the longest time, societies, communities, countries have tried to do without it. Some have gone even far enough to ban any kind of religious activity, affiliation. To an extent, I think lacking faith, not having anything to do with any kind of religious association is also easy. It gives the individual extra time to focus on personal goals, and other things to spend the time on. No religious affiliation means to certain obligations that you must adhere to be a part of the religion's creed. This also means that there are no certain duties you must perform, on certain days, for example like attending Sunday Sermons. There are also certain beliefs you must posses, like Karma, afterlife, hell, heaven, divinity and sins.This means you don't have to deal with thinking and acting according to the things mentioned in the line above. In short more freedom, more individual based at it's core and more choices. Religion can and does dictate the way one thinks about certain issues. None of that. It's a lot easier.

These also can carry heavy cannotations that comes with religion. The sacrifices each religion requires, no matter which sect, religion you belong to. Each set has their own promises, their own guidelines and the sacrifices you must give up in order to be clean enough to enter heaven, nirvana or whatever it might be for a particular religion.

However, religion can be very comforting. I think this is why religion has been making a come back for most of the societies which were rejecting it in the past generations. Comfort of knowing you can be forgiven. Figuring out there is some sort of purpose for your difficulties, toils and humiliation on this earth, other than character building. Knowing there will be rewards for your sacrifices, for your good habits, good deeds is also comforting. At least it's not all going to waste even if the people we do things for don't realize them. It's ever so comforting to feel and view life that way. Who doesn't want to be forgiven for the mistakes they've made?

For better or for worst, religion is coming back. How do you feel about that? I think what matters most is how you as an individual feel about it. Does that bother you, or is that something you're looking forward to? You must learn exactly what it is you feel towards religion, reconcile the differences between your mind and your heart and brace yourself according to your reaction. After all, what society is trending at that particular moment should not affect your own thoughts and principles. You should only embrace things that you have truly accepted in yourself.

Caffe Americano

Now, as a lover of espresso and bitter, strong, black coffee, I was always repulsed by the idea of caffee Americano. Adding water to espresso? Who would commit such a crime? Well, the theme of my week was making peace with old woes and things not liked, so caffee Americano was an easy point to score for me. It's like those easy classes you take to make sure your GPA won't drop below a certain point and that does not require a lot of work. So that kind of guarantees that spike of ego that you need in your weekly reminders. Yeah, a cheat class and this was my cheat point.
As you can imagine, I was shocked at taste of it. I prefer stronger coffee, but sometimes caffe Americano seems to me to be the perfect partner to that piece of cake, or those nights you might not need to stay up so late. Give it a try, don't be as judgmental as I was about it!

Sephora

Since I've started talking about make-up on here, which was unprecedented for my blog before; Sephora is a blog entry worthy store. It's impossible to talk about make-up without mentioned Sephora.

To begin with, I am not quite certain why I've decided to include my thoughts on make-up in general, but I have a feeling it has to do with my frustration about the judgment in regards to make-up and make-up users.

Recently, while venturing out to do my taxes, I was in the neighborhood of my local mall and have decided to stop by. Very unlike of me, but the sign of Sephora allured me in and I could not reject her call. Sephora has to be one of my favorite stores of all time and for many make-up lovers. There are so many positive things in Sephora that makes it impossible to hate. You can always get your make up done for free there, and there are endless number of make up brands that you can try out and ask questions to professionals about products, techniques and recommendations. The price varies like in any store, but after all it is a collection of high end make up brands so the prices can run high up. I don't recommend you do all of your make up and skin care shopping at Sephora, however it is a good store to give a good try.

Sephora brushes are good brushes to have, and they have cheaper versions of many make up related utensils such as; eye lash curlers, cellulose pads, eye brow groom kits and loads more.

In my recent trip, I think I ended up buying this eye brow groom kit, a Clinique acne clay mask (it's stress time for me and stress means break outs for me), several cellulose pads, a facial cleaner brush. I might have bought several other things, I just can't remember them at the time. Though the total ended up coming to a large sum, considering the number of things I bought, it was definitely a save. Though I could always use cheaper prices--who wouldn't?

So, if you're starting out to experiment with make-up, I recommend you go in, get a trial make up done, and look at all different kinds of make up brands and try them out in the store.

A Hunger Artist by Franz Kafka

Some time in April, I reread "A Hunger Artist" by Franz Kafka. I had understood it's value and importance. It had left a strong and precise impression on me before. My second time reading it though, my reactions for it were immensely deeper and although more intense, deeper. I hadn't taken the proper time needed for the story to settle in and let it sift it's way back up to me. I jumped to the next story in the collection. I tend to do that sometimes when I want to read all of the stories in the collection. Anyways, I am digressing.

A Hunger Artist by Franz Kafka, hands down has become one of my all time favorite short-stories. There is much there for the modern reader to interpret, walk away from and contrast to Kafka's own modern times and then to ours. Differences between Kafka's and our times are stark and unsettling.

Kafka's short-stories reach much like a newspaper in a way, almost as if matter of fact, reporting with lively details that leaves you longing for one more story at the end of it. Of course what I can read are always translations. Perhaps in German it's quite different. From first hand experience, I know the lost treasures in translations. Somethings, no matter how grand the translator cannot be translated. In those times, no translation is adequate and cannot do the justice the original rightly deserves. I believe Kafka is one of those writers.

His observations translate to the aching pains of his own adulthood, tension between his father and himself and the spiritual desire he has kept within himself, much to this father's disappointment. He writes subtly, effectively and with concrete parallels that he draws very tactfully, almost becoming inevitable in his writing style. Almost like a carefully written research paper, without any of it's boring elements.

A Hunger Artist is a must read for everyone. It makes one question about a billion things, but really the ineffective of our own sacrifices at times and as artists our own short comings and not to beguile ourselves with pride. Let's not forget the allegory of the story. Though I don't want to give away too much.

Can't quite explain

I can't quite explain myself clearly, concisely in a manner that is understandable. Besides the point that I don't understand myself completely in my ever changing phases and life experiences; it's also because, I am reluctant in the information I tend to divulge to others. I like to keep certain cards of myself to my chest. While I accept and embrace myself, I guess I am not quite comfortable with letting everyone see all of my cards. I also don't think it's quite wise to let everyone see everything. There are certain things that should be left to the individual to know, to relish and to be punished. Everyone cannot and in my opinion, should not know about you.

There are certain things about me that I wish them to remain in the past, a secret and intend to take them to my grave. They are not of national secret, obviously, so nothing truly interesting. Things that will, however have me undone in a more emotional way that I wish to keep them with me, to me at all times.

So, when it's like this, how do you explain yourself and expect others to understand you, or at least, at the minimum gain an understanding of your personality without your darkest, most desirable secrets?

Gallups Coffee House

Gallup Coffee House is probably one of my favorite coffee shops. It's large, they have a wide selection, a fire place, couches and free wi-fi like most coffee shops nowadays. It makes me feel warm. It's the place to go to if you're reading a book with a cup of their house blend coffee. Though I have to say, their customer service isn't the best. Whenever I go there, it always feels like the baristas there are never too happy with the customers coming in and ordering. But other than that, this place is awesome. During the weekdays and work hours there are usually parents with children, or older people meeting with friends, reading the newspaper. It's usually quiet, so perfect for attention required assignments or work. They usually close early, whether it's on the weekend or during the weekday. But it's the perfect place to be for a warm afternoon.

Curly Hair

Lovers of curly hair raise your hands. I used to have a very curly hair as a child, though throughout the years that has become more wavy than curly. I wish I could have my old tight curls back. Besides perming I would nearly do anything to have curly hair.

I think everyone has their preferences on what they don't have and what they think would look better on them, and I am no different. I have wavy hair and while I could make my hair straight anytime (thanks to straighteners and blow driers), though it's a look I go for certain outfits, certain events and circumstances, I wish I could support curly hair daily. Though curly hair is something I could come to possess due to slight tricks and what not, now that technology and science has advanced that far, it's still not something I possess on my own, sadly.

I am not one hundred percent sure why I've always preferred curly hair for most my conscious life. It's just one of those things that seems inherent in our own consciousness and maybe perhaps subconsciously.

Well, now that I write stories and in them I create characters, it seems I am able to understand myself a little better through these lenses I've opted out to put on. Curly hair, like for my people has come to represent freedom, wild, eccentric women that are at peace with themselves. I believe this is at the minimum one of the reasons why I've come to idolize and come to want to have curly hair for myself. Funny how life works, fiction and reality often permeate leaving me in this surreal state to wander through most of my life, whether it is waking or sleeping time.

Froth House

Froth House is just a few blocks away from my apartment. It's my the spot to go for my tired nights and late night readings. It's a small, little unique coffee shop, one that makes me want to own one in the future. It has this tree in front of it that the leaves just frame around the two large windows that divides the shop into two sections. The shop itself is not very large, but it's lovely with it's deep red walls, it's lovely customer service and the live music they have on Thor's nights. It's quiet, it's settling and it's one that always sends me into the dream land as soon as I set a foot inside. There is a free little library box outside of it. It's like one of those shops that is a realization of a dream. If you're ever in Madison, I highly recommend you go and experience the Froth House yourself.

Brows

Now that spring is here, everyone has new hair cuts, new clothes and new make-up to show their faces. After all, we are all coming out of our shells and our bubbles for the spring. We are all returning back to life in a sense. Easter is in the spring after all.

With that said, everyone's faces have opened up like sunflowers. So I've been seeing all kinds of faces and eye brows through the streets of Madison and Wisconsin in general. Though I am no expert, I have been itching to say something to some of the girls I see in the street.

I could never understand girls who over tweezed their eye brows and have left them impoverished, thin lines that makes them look old, sad, irritable and plain "bad" looking.

The thing about continual over-tweezing is that your eye brows will stop growing at a certain time. As you get older, your eye brow production stops and leaves you with a few eye brows by the time you hit 70. Now you might think you won't care by then, but also extremely thin eye brows makes you look older than you are. You don't ever want to have too think and too arched eye brows. That's like a double negative that doesn't end up producing a positive.

While you don't have to have an arch, an arch usually supports many different kinds of faces. Also having a good set of eye brows will make your daily make up routine easier, your face more approachable and also a full set of eye brows will make you look younger, no matter your age.

So stop plucking and grow out your eye brows. The secret to eye brows is to groom them, give them your desired shape that goes with your face and taste, that suits you, not one that makes you unpleasant so to speak. You want a polished, well taken care of eye brows, not ones that looks like the evil queens from Disney's plagiarized fairy tales.

Aspern Papers

I might have talked about the Aspern Papers by Henry James before, I am just not quite sure. But I have to say, you have to love Henry James' writing style. Remarkably different than the time he was writing (at least of what I have read thus far). The love that is continued to cherish long after it's prime time, holding on to it, like it is the only thing in the world that matters, only thing that is cherished or has the capacity to be cherished, only thing that is valuable. That's saying something as many of us don't view love that way nowadays. In an increasingly vanishing of privacy of individuals via technology, holding on to love letters a publisher is thoroughly desiring to read, study, learn from and eventually publish, no matte the cost is romantic, heroic and anti-modern. It also reminds me of times where there was sacred things,  of the sanctity of interaction between individuals who valued one another, when there were things we wanted to keep a secret and also when people accepted such rights and notions of privacy. The publisher is everything that stands in as the act of violating that privacy. How different it is from our world. How anti-modern.

In a time that is increasingly losing it's privacy, it is a book that must be read with an open mind.

Libraries and Teas

I've always loved libraries. Though we've had a vanishing relationship at times. Recently though, I've become quite addicted to libraries, and particularly towards my neighborhood library. I have a new favorite spot. If it's sunny or rainy, I take my seat by the window. The sun and I play a game of tag, silently in secret. No one knows, but the sun and me. It feels like my own private world for the time being.

I bring my cup of tea with me in my thermos and I sit here, writing away. A little bit of my sadness leaves me, some of my thoughts find it's way down to print, making a bigger impression in the way I view the world infinitely and I leave a little bit lighter, a little bit happier, I little bit more knowledgeable about myself. A little bit more open to the world and it's tiny, hidden miracles that we overlook everyday. I become a little bit better, a little bit more me each time I come and leave here. I rediscover myself over and over again in here.

I think libraries in general have magic. But this one in particular has good magic that seems to have become my talisman. So for now, I am riding out this wave and let the magic of library heal all the parts of my broken bones that I couldn't have reached before.

Fasting

Fasting...it's required by many religions across the globe. Fasting and I, as much as I admire to it, have a difficult relationship. As a glutton, it always becomes my most persisting sin to overcome.

Regardless of my ability to, or to be precise lack of ability to fast, my bad persevering habits, don't let that fool you, because I don't let it fool me. It can be done if you take the proper necessary countermeasures. If you are actually hydrated, nourished the previous night, properly, there is no reason why you shouldn't be able to fast if you have the faith that you principally should possess, or the principles of faith that should be instilled in you.

No matter what faith you are, fasting teaches mostly similar things. It teaches you patience, it teaches you believe in the other world, after life, and the faith you must have. It will curb your attitude, your beliefs and make you see the world through the eyes of a hungry person. These are noble ideas that are intermingled with fasting that I find so fascinating. It's a test of self really, of faith truly. It tempts you and reminds you to fight temptation of various ways and various things. It also gives you the confidence and courage to fight the temptation of your life (whatever it may be, religiously, non-religiously) on a daily basis. It urges you to adopt a simpler life, for many of us can definitely use certain things simpler.

So for all of these reasons, I would love to be able to fast the given requirements. The only question that remains is when will I be able to do such a thing?

Wonderful Life

I was watching "Wonderful Life" and it became almost inevitable that I wrote this blog entry. First off, if you haven't watched that movie, you absolutely must watch it. It's not perfect, it has it's short-comings and flaws, but it's a good movie in general that must be given a chance to survive in these movie sharks that seeks just superficiality.

Secondly, the protagonist of the story, Ben Singer is perpetually unhappy and has cacooned himself from happiness by focusing all sorts of negativity, like controlling society he calls the man, genocide, nuclear war and other devastating realities that are coming more real and alive with each passing day. His pessimistic outlook in life seems somewhat genetic, which has passed onto his young daughter and also has left her somewhat depressed, confused and socially awkward as her mother mentions many times that she doesn't have many friends--if at all. It's a great story about our short comings individually and the attitude our American societies has opted out to adapt. The big corprorate culture, where money and money alone talks and where we gradually lose our hearts and freedom of thought in the process.

There is a lot of truth to the things Ben says continually throughout the day. But he is also a guy who once wrote songs of children. That's right, he is a kiddie singer! Which I really thought didn't fit him at all. But, nonetheless, he is mainly pessimistic, because his heart has been severely broken by his ex wife, who has decided to leave Ben to marry her current husband, who is much richer. We get the point of his angst at the society.

It's a good movie to watch, because all doesn't end well. It ends, just as Ben is beginning to heal, though we won't know if he will fully recuperate, or fall into his old habits once again.

Coffee Bytes

Coffee Bytes is my the place to go to on Sundays. They're open till later than other coffee shops in Madison and they have peak and off peak hours that are stretched out throughout the days that leaves me with enough time to observe people and then focus on whatever it is that I need to do in the first place. Their food is not always the best, but good enough. My favorite spot is this little nook that is pretty much in plain sigh, but hidden at the same time. It's this little space with a three couches and a coffee table. It's cornered, sheltered, just the perfect place for me to be lost in my thoughts and also see the coming and going traffic in my observance.
The walls are colorful and at least three different colors which gives me the feeling I am at an artist's house. There are large windows everywhere and artwork on some of the walls. It leaves me feeling accomplished and well mixed in with the rest of my species.

Brushes

I know some people are peculiar about their brushes while they are not. I am one of those people who are peculiar about their brushes.

While I started out with really, no brushes besides the ones that comes in the palettes or compacts you buy from the drugstore or the high-end make up brand.

Everyone loves a MAC brush. Well for a reason. They're always high quality and there are so many different kinds and variations of the same kind of brush that you're guaranteed to find the brush that fits you and your make-up style the most. A MAC brush, will last you a long time. I still use the same brushes from my senior year high-school (it's been eight years since I graduated from high school. So you do the math).

If you prefer something more fancy with high quality brushes but more chic handling, try Estee Lauder brushes. Like a MAC brush they will last you a long time and they're also high quality. However, there aren't as many variations of say a shadow brush as there are in MAC. Obviously totally doable. Most of us don't need 15 kinds of shadow brushes. A make up artist does, but as much as most of us would like to be a make up artist, many of us are not. I am sorry to crush dreams here, but let's be honest. I am no make up artist either. I just love to play around with colors and textures and it's simply it.

If you're like me though and want something much cheaper than either one of those, however with a great pay off, go with Sonia Kashuk brushes. She has a great collection of brushes and they last you a long time. I think mine are about three years old and not a sign of aging on them. The bristles are good quality. The ones that are supposed to be soft stay soft and the dense, thick ones stay dense and tick. The blush brushes are just to my liking (though I mostly like to use fan brushes for blush brush. I have a small face so a normal blush brush makes me look a clown).

As always make sure the brush you get is the medium you need for the look you are going for, and don't forget to take care of your brushes. For acne free face you must wash them weekly (at the very least) and keep them in a dry, cool and clean place for long wear and a hygienic use.

Hope this helps!

Ne yaptin sen bana ya.

Korkma yanlizliktan

Gecenlerde Fatmagulun sucu ne yi izlerken, guzel sahneler vardi. Hemde cok guzel sahneler. Hani vardir ya, tam insanlari can evinden vuran sozler, bakislar, sahneler. Insanin icinin yaglari erir. Boyle en guzel, en derin, en uzaktaki dakikalara, gecmislere, geleceklere daldirir insanin gozlerini. Dusunur, olmusmudur, sevmismiydim ben boyle? Sevebilcekmiyim, olabilcekmi diye hatta imrenirsin, ozenirsin ve dusuncelerin seni senden alip gider.

Baska seyleri dusundurttu bana, hatta boyle bir illuminate yaptirtti. Biz, insanlar, hangi milletten, kulturden, dinden olursak olalim, korkuyoruz yanliz olmaktan. Birbirini gercekten seven, asik, siki siki tutunan ciftleri gordugumuz zaman, sadece birilerine tutunabilmek, yanliz hissetmemek, sevildigini bilmek, hissetmek, deger verildigini bilmek. Bizimde askimiz var diyebilmek icin, aslinda hicte ayni boyutta duygular beslemedigimiz, hatta gelecek gormedigimiz, kendimize gore olmadigini dusundugumuz insanlari yuregimize bastigimiz, onlara karsi bir baglilik bagi olusturmak icin caba sarfeder, sadakat biriktirmeye calisiyoruz, calismisizdir, ve bunu tekrar tekrar yapariz. Cunku belkide, kimilerimiz, cogumuz gercekten asik olmuyacagizdir omrumuz boyunca. Ask cunku, kutsal, ve o kadarda nadide, narin birseydirki. Cogu zaman teget gecer bizleri, biz farkina bile varamayiz. Ama, genede cogumuz yasiyamayiz. Ask, secilmis insanlarin sadece yasiyabilcegi birseydir. O yuzden geri kalanimiz, saglikli iliskiler, mutlu olma cabasinda bulunmak ve cinselligimizi tatmin etmekle gecer hayatlarimiz.

Buna ragman, korkma yanlizliktan. Yanlzlik, hastir, iyidir, vede sagliklidir. Belli bir surecte, insanin kendini dinlemesi, tartmasi, neler istiyor, neler istemiyor diye sorgulamasi gerekiyor. Kendini anlamasi icin zamana ihtiyaci oluyor. Mutlulugu tek basina anlayip, erismesi gerekiyor ki, baskasiyla gercekten mutlu olabilsin. Obur turlu, o insan sadece bir ihtiyac olur. Mutlulugu elde etmek icin, ona bagli, ona muhtac, onsuz nefes alamaz. Ama o gercek mutluluk degildir, kendini daha iyi hissetme mekanizmasidir.O yuzden, yanlizlik iyidir. Yanliz olmaya basarabilen, baskasinlada birlikte duzgun bir hayat kurabilir, cunku onun kadir kiymetini bilir, ic rahatligiyla mutlulugunuda yasar.O yuzden, korkma yanliz olmaktan.

Read and Unplug Your Mind

In many blogs, user profiles and articles I come across there seems to be a patter emerging. People refusing to read and expect to have great ideas and stories. Aspiring writers refusing to read, saying I just don't have the time for that. I am baffled and will respond with "monkey see, monkey do".

The thing is, if you read, and if you read often enough, your analytical skills will slowly develop, which will propel you to ask questions, in return your critical thinking will develop which will create a cycle of deeper analytical skills, keener observation, becoming a better reader of between the lines, catching onto context clues and so and so forth. These things can't be replicated into your writing right away. They take time and they're difficult because they require both analytical skills, critical thinking and the ability to know where and how to place what. These all come through not only writing a lot of bad stories, but also reading incredible amounts of good and bad stories at the same time.

These allows you to focus on the ideas that you already have that will eventually become your stories, or the stories you already have that needs work. What about the ideas for your stories? Where do you get them? Do we see all see a dream where where we write about it. Ironically that has been done plenty of times, though it's not something that is applicable with a hard science. Sure, scenes from dreams make it to a seasoned writer (of course, always altered and edited to serve the purposes of the story). But we don't just wake up with the seed of the story in our minds, ready to be explored. This is why it is difficult to write many good stories that has depth, layers and also many other good aspects. It's not just taking a plane old Jane, giving her an extra ordinary plot that makes a good story.

Reading expands our minds. It nurtures our souls and stretches out our imaginations. Read enough and you can always come with things you would have done differently. Things you can take inspiration from. A good book will name all the feelings that you could not name for yourself. It won't just give you a place to belong and discover who you are. It will also give you information bit by bits and slowly allow you to expand you who are at a person. It will give you new ideas, new frustrations, new questions, new answers, a new perspective int he same story, ability to understand, sympathize and tolerate different kinds of people which will populate your stories as characters. Stories, after all happen to your characters. As an individual we can't live each and single emotion there is available to the humanity. Instead, as writers our keen observations and ability to relate, understand and delve deeper into the minds of the characters through critical thinking and analytical skills that allows us to write our stories, not our personal experience. This is not to say that we cant take and find inspiration from our own lives and experiences. Just, our own experiences don't always end up as an inspiration to our stories. Reading eventually gives you loads of avenues to discuss, think over, question, experiment, seek, understand and a lot of sources to write about.

The moment I finish reading a story, I always have a number of questions that are dependent on the kind of story it was. Those questions pushes me to seek for answers. It makes me think about how it makes me feel inside and my own reactions to it. Thus making me think more, slowly my reactions culminates in a conclusion from my own knowledge and experience, thus ending with an opinion, with propels me to write a blog entry, or an entry in my own thought journal. Sure, it doesn't automatically end in a story. But the entries pile up over time, continually. Over and over again. Eventually, at different times patterns emerge, submerge and become clear, obvious. My mind creates concise things I want to talk about, explore and find the answers to. These propels me to write my stories with a character and a view point, which inevitably changes throughout the process of writing. I discover a new truth for myself.

Reading is essential for any writer and for anyone who wishes to hone their critical thinking and analytical skills.

Con Arist

I know I am going to open a can of warms here by talking about this on a blog site. But considering I barely get any comments and the matter of fact is that my viewership is so low that probably no one will notice.

I am not judgmental or anything, just a keen observer is all. It feels like everyone wants to be an artist without having to pay the price for it and without having to give up the sacrifices it requires. I guess that upsets me. Being artist for me includes anything from performance arts, to illustrative arts, to the art of words. So dancers, singers, writers, sculptors, painters, musicians, they're all in the same boat, highly skilled, highly dedicated and yet so misunderstood, so unappreciated and always isolated to the fringes of society.

Being artist is a tough work (not that I would know anything about it, other than the fact of being as aspiring writer; which really means I have no talent, but I keep trying and trying to learn the craft, but I lack the necessary built in intuition, so really nothing at all), but I know plenty of the arts itself to know it is a tough work and what it means to be an artist and the difficulties of the artists. So to me, it feels like these people are cheating all kinds of artists from their efforts, time, rewards and glory by trying to be wise ass artists by writing a few stupid lines in which barely encompasses anything at all, but just pretty words.

Just going through my Facebook home page alone, everyone is saying something. It's either one thing over another. Everyone has an opinion, which is great, but they have an opinion on things they don't know. Things they haven't even given a try to. Plays they haven't seen, books they haven't read, music they haven't listened to, performances they haven't attended, exhibitions they did not  go to see. Quite paradoxical, don't you think? Yet, they all seem some sort of experts in their work, in their pioneered styles and they go off talking about it like such a authoritative expert, making assumptions, claims and comparisons and declaring their own superiority to them.

Unfortunately, that's not all either. In a day where our rights are being partitioned away gradually, we are further compromising our own privacy (I am no better at this) by talking about highly sensitive and personal events and information on line, open to everyone's criticism, painting it in light we choose, telling it from the perspective of an unreliable narrator. But, it seems to me, everyone has become writers through the usage of explicit and expletive soundbites, without further analyzing or dwelling behind the understanding of the words they seem to write. They have no understanding, no respect, nor knowledge of the craft of writing, storytelling and the oral history that has spanned millenniums of any culture and country. It's a very sad fact and it's a behavior many of us encourage.

Don't get me wrong arts are for everyone and anyone who has an interest in it, should pick it up, learn about it and give it a try. It's not just for the select few. I would recommend writing to anyone. But without disrespecting the efforts, talents and time of others who has spent decades on their craft.

The Art and Craft of Storytelling by Nancy Lamb

The full title is as follows:
The Art and Craft of Storytelling
A Comprehensive Guide to Classic Writing Techniques by Nancy Lamb

The link as it follows:
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-art-and-craft-of-storytelling-nancy-lamb/1017890287?ean=9781582975597

I know, I've already recently purchased two books on writing, but more can't hurt, especially if it's on topics the others haven't discussed yet, one I absolutely believe I will learn so much from. It was a close call, but I ended up going for this book instead of a several other.

This book, from what I can tell, though I have not read a single word of it yet, seems to be a broader aspect, focusing on as it clearly states, "Classic Writing Techniques". The Book divided into four parts and about 21 chapters. There are about 260 pages. The parts are focused on building plans, foundation and structure, structural supports, interior designs and touches. It doesn't sound very interesting, I agree. However there sees to be a lot tried and proven theories and techniques written here. At least that seems to be my impression of it.

It is my absolute belief that in order to break rules, you have to know them, what purpose they serve and if you are going to break them with a statement and reason. You can't just break them because you didn't know any better. That doesn't make you a rebel, that just makes you an idiot. Why is it important to know the Classical rules and techniques? Well, firstly, you can always learn a lot about them and apply them with modern interpretation. You can see why it works, what it does, how you can adopt it to your own needs and why it no longer works, learning from the masters and not repeating the same mistakes of the past. Also, being aware as a writer of the oral and written tradition that has become before you is important. You don't have to employ the same techniques and obviously won't be writing about the same things, but it is absolutely crucial to know and understand them. You will have to continue that tradition and give the torch to someone else. In order to do that, you have to fully possess the knowledge of the previous generations wise conclusions. Learn from their trial and error, and believe me, you'll save time, money, paper and effort. Who can say no to that?

I guess, we'll find out as make my way through this book.

Negativity vs. Positivity

I must still be under the influence of the movie "Wonderful Life". It must have unearthed certain things for me. It must have starkly made clear to me certain truths I must have known, expected and now I must accept.

Some people are positive, no matter what, for example my mother. She will always remain positive and believe at the end that her hard work will pay off. Hard work of anyone will pay off, she believes and in the end she will reach where she always wanted to, even though she is 20 years late for it. She went to college when she was in her late thirties. This woman can accomplish anything. Let me tell you, it's not her superb English that gives her the ability and opportunity to get to where she is and where she will be. It's her positive attitude.

I, on the other hand am a very negative person. Lately, I've been doing a lot of positive frame mind thinking crap I learned many years ago at a stress management class that I barely ever used since then. Though, optimism hurts, at the end it can become a valuable lesson and an asset to possess for further continuing down the line of life, especially toiling through hardships and difficulties. The truth is, it's a lot easier to see the empty side of the glass, focus on the things we lack, don't have and perhaps will never have. It's easier to be negative. Positivity takes effort, time and sincerity. Positivity means, you're taking the time to heal your own wounds, you'll console your own bruised ego and you'll get up on your own and tell yourself that the world continues, tomorrow will be a marvelous sun rise and that you will get your chance if you keep working. You are the one that's encouraging you when you're positive, rather than waiting for someone to encourage you to do something. You are your own cheerleader. You know your own talents better than anyone else and you have your fears held by the balls and you can walk to challenge it as it's voice pitch grows higher and higher with each twist and turn. You conquer your own fears is what I am trying to say.

I don't have as much courage, bravery and strength as my mother. I know my talents but I also seek for others to recognize those talents (or at least used to, not as much anymore, since I've come to terms with myself and made peace with my bad habits and ugly self) so negativity is something that comes naturally.

However, these past 25 years on earth has taught me one thing if it has taught me nothing at all. It's easier to be negative if we don't have something to be happy about. Give a person something to be happy about, a good, solid thing to be happy about and he and she will prosper being positive. That person will put everything he or she has on the line to be positive, stay positive and continue to be happy in order to protect it's happiness. Happiness is one thing that humans can't let go of, no matter what throughout the millenniums. It's like how moths fly to flames. It's exactly how we humans are when the question and matter comes to happiness. We'll fly to flame if it means our happiness.

So give yourself a reason to be happy, find your reason of happiness and be someone's reason of happiness. You'll see flames grow larger by the day.

Birthday Gathering

I know that it's been a few days since I was actually supposed to sit down and talk about this a few days ago, but so much has happened that I've chosen to just post entries already saved in my draft section.

My birthday party, this year was a success. I don't remember having this much time at my own birthday party since, well a long time ago--at the very least, the last four, maybe five years. I am relieved, happy and intrigued that my luck has turned around so much out of nowhere. Just last year, I used to think the very opposite of myself, of life, of world and of the people around me then I do this year.

Last year, I was heart broken, relieved at the same time. I was hurt, wounded and too tired to even see the beauty of the world as it was. I was way out of this world to have any lingering interest left in it, to hope, to dream or to even desire a new future, a better life, with different kinds of people in it.

This birthday year will go down as probably one of the best birthday parties of my life time. I am growing older. I've turned a quarter of a century old today. But I don't think I've ever felt any better than I did that day, or I do today, or I do this year :)

Edward Scissorhands

Now that I don't have the internet, I'm making the obvious attempt to catch up on movies I haven't seen, or haven't had the chance while it was out, but always wanted to. After all, I have no internet, that means I have to do something while eating. I've become so accustomed to watch something as I eat that it feels a little lonely without a program or a show to view and think over as it accompanies me over dinner.
I've been renting movies here and there for night where I know I will be home and early for that matter of fact and have the quality time and peace of mind to watch them.

It's going to sound a little odd, but I had never watched Edward Scissorhands. I know, I know, everyone had watched it before. I hadn't. I mean, I know that Johnny Depp plays in it and he is hideously scarred, he has hands for a scissor and Tim Burton directs it. Yes, I know all of the background, but I had never watched the movie at all. I am glad, I gave my chance and happy my lack of internet has created this opportunity to catch up on such a what's now considered a classic.

I am not sure what I expected before I begun viewing this movie, but let me say, it wasn't what I expected at all. I guess for some reason, I expected it to be more in the horror genre--not to say that there is a young man who dies isn't a horror. Or the fact that there is a humanoid creature out there, that's been isolated for such a long time, and the brief encounter it has with other humans leaves it eternally wounded and bruised in which he will have to shoulder all of his emotions and the solitude on his own. Solitude...is an extremely difficult, vigil, solemn and a maddening thing. It leads people to do all sorts of things where the mind can rationalize anything and everything. After all, who can judge your mistakes and who can straighten out your misguided actions if there are any? There are so many elements in which I can sympathize and even understand Edward. Because in a lot of ways, I am just like him. I am mostly solemn in my solitude (usually by choice), sometimes by principles I've adopted until now. I am also surprised how convincing Depp's acting is, especially considering the limited number of words he has for this role. I am seeing Depp in an entirely new vision now.

Though still, as romantic as it might be (to some, definitely not for me) I can understand the message wanting to be laid out and clearly given, I am not quite fond of the ending. I think it was a little tactless and done abruptly. Clearly though, the climax was hinting of such an ending, just the way it ended all...was abrupt.

I guess even masters like Tim Burton had their time in learning where they have made mistakes.

Watching this movie reminded me of Kafka and his story "A Hunger Artist" for certainly both Edward and the Hunger Artist are artists, though their mediums of expression are only appreciated briefly, and never fully understood and they are set isolated from society, Edward in the castle it was created and the Hunger Artist in the cage it has physically created for itself.

More thoughts on artists and Franz Kafka's short-story to follow, some other time.

Evimi ozledim. Dogru durust evimde oldugum yok. Gunah vallahi gunah, billahi gunah.

Haziranin ilk gecesi bugun. Ve benim uykusuzluktan gozlerim catliyor, ama hala daha sikayet olabilcek kadar kendimde passivism bulamiyorum.

Aslinda, gayette iyi girdim Haziran'a, her zamanki gibi calkantili, icimde biraz kararsizlik, pismanlik ve karanlik. Supheler, dusunceler ve ayin cikmasi aslinda nasil olacak diye teoryler kurmuyor diyilim. Ama tekrar dusunebilmek guzel ve mutluyum. Tabi bu basilana kadar, kimbilir hangi gun, hangi vakit olur. Belkide yaz gecer gider, bu gunlerde bana sadece birer mani olarak kalir, digerleri gibi. Ama icimdeki kipirtilar, olanlar, bitenler genede umutlandiracak kadar, gozlerimle gulucek kadar iyi seyler oluyor. Bunlari gozardi edemem, edinemezde. Aslinda, su anda sukredicek ve zikir edicek o akdar sey varki hayatta. ne kadar minnettar oldugumu dile getirsem, azdir.

Planlarda olmayan o kadar cok sey yasandiki. Ama sere serpe degil en azindan. Kendimden gecip, neden burda oldugumu unuttugum degil. Ama tatli suprizlerle dolmus yollar hep. Hic dusunemicegim bir suru sey oldu. Bugun burda olabilmek bile guzel. Nefes aliyor olabilmek, bu mutlulugu yasayip, nefesini duyabilmek. Boyle bir aksam gecirebilmek...

Sansliyiz vesselam.

The Sun

Well, who would have though? After that beautiful rain yesterday evening, the sun was what we all awoke to--sun with a fiery red as a background that just would warm up anyone inside and awaken the talented and talentless artist sleeping dormant inside within anyone and everyone. Days like these, everyone becomes an energetic, enthusiastic artist who is just brimming with ideas and creativity, just emotions awaiting to be expressed. Days like these, I am happy. I can be calm, just enjoy my craft and take in the pleasures of others and let it stir in me whatever is charging it's current.

I am currently at the library, sitting on this tiny couch that's placed next to the  large window of the library that reveals the insides, without revealing it's soul. The sun keeps playing peek-a-boo with me. Now that I've dumped most of my negativity, I can play the game with it, without any curses, complains and pain. I can just be happy instead. I can appreciate the sun, enjoy the game it's playing with me. I can be comfortably, effortlessly feel what I feel and not push it down. I no longer have to give a detailed account of my feelings. I can just instead feel and grow from them. Allow myself to feel whatever I feel, without the judgment that used to follow. I can take a deep breath now.

I don't have to wait till another time to feel each and every curve of my own feelings. I don't have to find an excuse to delay whatever it is that I am feeling. I don't have to prioritize my negative feelings; the sadness, the depression that amidst that I didn't even recognize the brief moments of happiness. The moments of sun that I direly needed and desperately searched for. I wouldn't even allow myself that. All of these layers that have been shedding incredibly, finally, finally have given me the chance, to be me and the choice to let go. Having made the decision to let go I can just feel without a delay. I can say, this is what I am feeling and I don't have to apologize for it. I don't have to feel guilty for feeling one way or another. I don't have to keep blocking everything because I've been oppressed and eventually have become depressed, and because I don't want to feel that the depth of my depression, I kept pushing everything back further and further until there wasn't any space to keep collecting. Well, then the taxation of that space came and I nearly lost all of myself under that crumble.

So now the sun, who plays with me in a coy manner, I can appreciate that and smile about it and still cherish the rain that will follow it soon after.

Celebrity Dreams

I know, cliche. But I never actually used to dream about celebrities, of any kind. Not when i was a young child, not when I was a teenager and definitely not in my early twenties. But lately, all within a week, I've seen Conan O'Brien, Murat Yildirim, Beren Saat. Who knew I even had the capability to dream about celebrities. I guess I am lacking inspiration, or rather I've found it in somewhere new.

Basim duman geziniyorum etrafta. Ne olucak benim bu halim.