The pendulum has reached it's furthest point in my emotional territory; numbness. I had never felt more numb, more broken down and emotionally unavailable before. I had spent three years of my life with one particular man I was insanely in-love with and yet, I could not for the life of me shed a single tear when I decided it was over and months later when we finally separated our ways much to my relief.
I was beginning to seriously grow suspicious of myself due to the coldness, nonexistent, nonchalant, none caring, fleeting, nonresistant and less intense ultimately, unrecognizably altered nature of my emotions towards everyone, everything and everyday. That wasn't me. The fierce emotions that arises in me is what made me, the weird, awkward, skeptical and rather passionate person. My epiphanies in short moments is what fuels me to write.
There was something amiss in me for so long and the awakening within me was cut short, prematurely when I made the wrong choices for me at the time. Ironically and staying true to the generalities, I am only able to make this analysis now, after the fact and thoroughly believed that I was making the right decisions for me, I was being healthy and going after what I wanted. On a tangent, I know exactly what I want, however what I need presides over what I need and there is still a long time to come for me to attain and live what I want. It's a process and things I like to do keeps getting delayed, but I have grown so much more resolute. I just need to play with a few more things, a little bit of luck and my first two things on my list are about to be crossed off. I am ecstatic about it.
Now my inner pendulum of life is starting to slowly move the other way, gaining momentum. it's really just at the beginning. It's the moment where numbness is only BEGINNING to dissipate, the nonchalant attitude is beginning to vanish and that ugly carelessness is beginning to disappear. It's still there, very much alive, however...beginning is an extremely important process, a process which I am embracing as I celebrate it. It's a beginning of a phase in my life where I need to tend to my decisions and nurture the wild spirit in me carefully and thoughtfully this time. This means my time to be emotional, sensitive, open, aspiring, be inspired, write awfully a lot and get impressed and affected very easily. This also means I am very susceptible to pain again, to wounds, to be hurt and the after shock of the break-up will start creeping around just now. I doubt it will be as strong as it could have been considering there are no feelings left, nor are there any tinges of regret shading my ridiculously near-sighted eyes.
Ithaca has stirred and awakened the movement of the pendulum which I am grateful to now. I have missed being myself, the intense lows and highs and the emotions of every variety, learning to appreciate it all. That road-trip to Ithaca marks a new beginning for me, emotionally, mentally and physically. It was my way of getting a closure, biding my ties tightly and also saying my goodbyes.
A road trip within New York State, it's stubbornly rich forestry, low melancholy Turkish music, an old friend who grasps sides of you that has long been asleep...sometimes transpired and sparked, leaving me with the bitter feelings of the previous several months and it's vile odor within my sunken heart. I cannot wait to get to the voluminously writing part where anything can transpire a story, linking circles, dots, segments and anecdotes.
What does this mean, that means tears will roll, that means anger will rise and I'll seek a place to lash out, that means many conflicting and ironic emotions that will seek to be expressed in variety of ways where I will have to get artistic or creative, because it can become something of a blockage and counterproductive, leaving me with even a bigger issue to deal with in the future, one that is far more complex, layered, piled and unsolvable.
This means I will be hurt, mourning, grieving, trying to understand, relate to others and seeking others who will relate to me, at least be sympathetic towards me rather than apathetic. It will mean I will be hanging around both comfortable and about ready to jump out of my skin with a queasy stomach where I am trying to adjust to the novel in my life and coming to terms with the baggage emotional traumas causes.
But I am glad. I much rather be feeling, than not. Feeling all of these crazy, insane and rather outrageous feelings is what makes me feel human and is my only weapon in my arsenal to be able to connect and relate to others in this world, including my own family. My background or the million different things that connects me to others is what allows me to create sympathy and a bond with anyone else, it's my pure ability to just feel that allows me to create, build and protect relationships.
I've also discovered something shocking and rattling to me. Something I had never realized before. But I need a few months to really judge and find the depths of these new feelings and see it tried out :) It's new waters for me, testing, deep, far and insecure where the world and many friendships could be compromised for the rest of my life. Friendships which I could not live and thrive without. Friendships that are blood in my veins. It leaves me in limbo where one step forward could mean my hell just as well as taking that one step back could also imprison me to hell till the rest of my days.
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