Little Things

Little things can make someone happy or unhappy. Sometimes like getting a call, a message from someone you care about, getting a letter, catching up over coffee, or a nice gesture that you were not expecting. At the same time though those very little things could get under your skin and annoy you endlessly. Like not getting that call or that message someone you care about.

Unfortunately, life doesn't go the way we plan it. If anything I know that best in life. Nothing ever goes the way I plan, envision and hope for. Things end up drastically different from what I had always wanted for myself...still I can't complain. Things happen the way they do for me, eventually with a lot of difficulty, sweat, shatters and a lot of sleepless nights. Even though they never end up the way I planned them, things always have a way of working out for the better, at the end. At least, that's what I had come to realize in the past years, after so many mistakes, trials, disappointments and heart breaks. I can only see this point of view as a hindsight, only going back in time I'm able to say that, regardless it's the attitude I've decided to take. There is no other way of getting out of things.

No doubt, relationships are hard and I personally think broken promises are hardest to deal with, explain to one's self and more challenging to reminiscence and think about when you travel to the mystic past. These are hard to face, especially for me. Being on the same page, at all times is difficult. It requires a lot of compromising and sacrifices--sometimes more than the individuals are willing to give up on their part. Sometimes timing is off. For example, I just have a lot on my plate right now. I am not going to mention all other things in my life, but simply having Irem over (which I want to devote every minute possible to her and to ensure her experience here is a riveting positive one), having to work, trying to do some sort of academic work (in this case it would be my endeavors as an aspiring writer and trying to figure out my school situation and afterwards going to Turkey and spending time there with my family and Yakup. I am especially looking forward to spending time with Yakup. Right now, he is who and what I need the most. (That is entirely another different blog post, for another time).

I have never quite been a romantic. I've always been skeptical about love and well, have taken those sentiments a little cynical. I do know that some people get to experience true, passionate love so deeply. I do not dare to doubt that. I just don't think majority of people are capable of experiencing those emotions. There are select chosen few that shall know the true bliss of love, while the rest of us, wretchedly pull through. I am even more skeptical and well a true nonbeliever of relationships. It works hardly...and my grown adult relationships are working out a lot less...increasingly and incessantly.

A lot has been taken away from me and so much has changed about me that sometimes I'm having a difficult time in recognizing myself, my thoughts, my reactions and most importantly, often my emotions and even more often, my lack of emotion. I've grown fiercely independent, separated my own personality from my family (regardless of efforts to be a tightly knit family--which is all together different, especially in the Turkish tradition and culture) and have grown distant. My intimate close friendships have dwindled down to the core. I've only kept the essentials in my life. The others have gotten scratched off. I keep in touch perhaps, but the nature of those relationships have become quite arbitrary, abundant and shallower than the tip of the iceburg. Just knowing one doesn't mean having meaningful bonds. That's what most people have been reduced to for me. I sound extremely bitter and cold right now. Maybe, that's exactly what I have become, a cold, bitter bitch.

I haven't been able to think that relationships work in general. I think exactly the opposite. Relationships don't work. Especially if one or both parties are independent and awkward like me. Those who value detachment, time and space. It's just not applicable to the rules of relationship creating friction and hurting one another in the long run.

Sometimes, I wish I could take things back. Regardless, I regret nothing. This was something I needed to go through is all I can say right now. For what purpose is beyond my capabilities of understanding at the moment. I have no foresight to that question.

I also think I underestimated my scars and wounds. I guess there is a first time for everything to happen though.

So let the time to take care of deals, issues come along and the healing process begin.