The Jitters

I am nervous, anxious, worried and threatened by the future at this moment. I'm far from a safe harbor and instead of returning to the shore, I'll be increasingly swimming in deeper waters, violent, obnoxious, unforgiving and temperament. Of course I can't be where I am for the rest of my life, for one it will drive me into insanity, marching right where I am. I am sure I would commit suicide then. However, the uncertainty of the future that might end up being very bright, or very dark instead is scary. Knowing the possibility of things getting worst, worser than today. That possibility instills a firm instinct to latch on, strong work ethic and prayer institution. I am afraid that my life will continuously be distraught and distracted from the things I want and instead of keep backtracking to the things I've already discovered, conquered and leaping back into the things I want to move away from. Life has a way of creating obstacles, often repeating them to me from the things I want and desire most. My wishes remain unfilled and those wishes that are fulfilled leave very bitter tastes, leaving me feeling punished instead of happy and accomplished.

I am jittery. There is a hovering feeling harbored, making a sweet little nest right in the nook and crooks of my heart, stubbornly deepening it's roots where I'm awaiting for a gigantic storm to be released, fearing it's after affects and wondering how I'll find enough strength to clean up after the disaster and where I'll find enough motivation to go on after being stranded out one more time.

The problem is I am nervous, anxious, impatient and...repetitiously jittery. I don't know if this feeling I am getting will be good or bad. I hope to God that it will be positive in the most possible way. I am too weary to be able to handle one more set back or even the slightest negative, where my arms are dragging and can't lift on more bag to home anymore.

That aside, I've been trying to establish and keep a schedule here in the sparse moments of individual me times I've been literally scraping in the mornings and late at nights. I don't want this summer to be a total waste academically since I was unable to accomplish anything I desired (academically). I am trying to make up for the loss. I've been pretty good at least being capable of doing a good portion of it, while sometimes the writing parts suffer the most with novel readings. Regardless, I'll take some over none.

My nerve endings are anticipating, gauging every scene, moment and person, awaiting an attack which leaves me suffering throughout the days on an end, without an end. I don't know which gust of wind will lead me to the next phase of my life, but I am tired of always having to deal with the short end of the stick.

I am also hating to be a walking contradiction now. Its true I loved it..but it's so inconvenient. I like stability, instilled daily routines, but the moment I get comfortable, get used to it and prove to myself that if I commit to it, I am capable of accomplishing such detailed tasks, I await for something to happen and hope for some sort of excitement as certain thought processes grows stale (which is never good for someone who is aspiring to be a writer). I wish I could find some sort of a medium to keep both sides pleased and keep me out of this dilemma, which I am certain I will suffer this perennial dilemma continuously until my last drawn breath.