Yakup, nerelerdesin, internete girsene :( Cok ozledim ben seni, senle konusmayi.

Dun Dun Dun

Unfortunately for me there has never been a time where the suffocating feeling right on top of my heart has never turned out to be an ominous signal for a disastrous, at the very least a very saddening event. It's done it again. For the past week, I've been huffing, puffing and something has been sitting right on top of my rib cage and it's been gnawing away in my heart, shortening my breath and shackling me to this impossible mind state. And today, it blew up and it blew up good.

I don't even have the energy, the patience, nor the willingness to write. I want to go home...wherever it is nowadays.

gene bilgisayarin basinda basladi benim icin bugun. Garip ruyalarla basladi demek daha dogru olur, hatta fazlasiyla erotik diyebiliriz. Bas agrisiyla uyanip, telefonumda tekrar bir problem oldugunu gormek son damlaydi ve bir sekilde yanlis ayakla baslamis oldum.

Bugun son burdaki son gunum olucak diyebiliriz, insallah, yarin aksam gitmeyi dusunuyoruz cunku. Insallah internette yazdigi gibi biletlerin hepsi satilmamistir. Biraz yagmurlu, kapali ve uzgun, tipki benim gibi hava. Ihop ta kahvalti bizi bekler.

Changes Required

I woke up a little later than usual today and I can't seem to be able to breathe. Not physically. But something there, sits on top of my chest and it feels like the evil elf is about to break everything I hold valuable and everything I've worked so hard up till now.

There are hovering gray clouds from my window and feels a little too ominous for my taste, like a big storm is about to be released and throw me into the center of chaos once again. Just when I said things are settling down, they're coming onto their own a little and although a little harder than before, I saw the possibility of going back to my life as it was. I don't think that's going to be the case this time around.

I need a little time off, rewind and well, come to my senses. I need the objectiveness of being an onlooker from the outside, not the in to be able to make the proper decisions and choose the right options not only for myself, but also for my family.

But that time is not going to come anytime soon. It seems I'm caught in a whirlpool of events, rush and well, simply put life that I am unable to afford going off course/chart. ...Until December it is. So December it is that holds all of my dreams and desires tightly bound in one person at the moment. In there, I'll find my sanctuary, I'll find my peace and a full dose of optimism in Yakup and the words he just says to me, filling every inch of my soul with pure, unadulterated happiness.

For the second day in a row, I'm faced with some alone time. Well, I started off using this time to start writing in my blog (usually, it's the last thing I do), however a little change is required by me, so I've decided to change the usual order of things I do.

Icim bosaldi...aglicak cok sey varken, hic birseye agliyamiyorum ve hic birsey yokkense...gozlerimden firtina kopuyor...Icimdeki kasvet...hayir olur insallah.

Alone Time

Alone is much appreciated by me...especially lately and will become increasingly a hot commodity.
Today though, strangest and well a very pleasing change has come my way. Ramadan is nearing to it's end and today is a religious day for all Muslims. It's the day of Kadir. Eid Fitr is on the 30th of August. So just a few more days to go.

Irem wanted to go look at some new merchandise for herself and to take back home as gifts. Miraculously and much to my delight she has understood that I am not that fond for shopping through subtleties and I am extremely happy because of that, some of my stress is alleviated. My mom dropped her off at Marshall's and she will later join me, hopefully after I am done with my list of things to do, dropping me off at Barnes and Noble. It's quiet, peaceful and clean here. I am well satisfied. I've been looking for a chance like this, well for nearly a month. Maybe a little longer than that. No one to bug me, ask me questions, asking me to resolve issues, no one to take responsibility for. Just me and me and my books and my thoughts and my pen and paper...where I can be alone with my thoughts, feelings, reactions and the increasingly growing complicated ideas that are looking for a way out to express themselves out...in one way or another. The stories that are growing bulky and needs trimming, as soon as possible.

The Jitters

I am nervous, anxious, worried and threatened by the future at this moment. I'm far from a safe harbor and instead of returning to the shore, I'll be increasingly swimming in deeper waters, violent, obnoxious, unforgiving and temperament. Of course I can't be where I am for the rest of my life, for one it will drive me into insanity, marching right where I am. I am sure I would commit suicide then. However, the uncertainty of the future that might end up being very bright, or very dark instead is scary. Knowing the possibility of things getting worst, worser than today. That possibility instills a firm instinct to latch on, strong work ethic and prayer institution. I am afraid that my life will continuously be distraught and distracted from the things I want and instead of keep backtracking to the things I've already discovered, conquered and leaping back into the things I want to move away from. Life has a way of creating obstacles, often repeating them to me from the things I want and desire most. My wishes remain unfilled and those wishes that are fulfilled leave very bitter tastes, leaving me feeling punished instead of happy and accomplished.

I am jittery. There is a hovering feeling harbored, making a sweet little nest right in the nook and crooks of my heart, stubbornly deepening it's roots where I'm awaiting for a gigantic storm to be released, fearing it's after affects and wondering how I'll find enough strength to clean up after the disaster and where I'll find enough motivation to go on after being stranded out one more time.

The problem is I am nervous, anxious, impatient and...repetitiously jittery. I don't know if this feeling I am getting will be good or bad. I hope to God that it will be positive in the most possible way. I am too weary to be able to handle one more set back or even the slightest negative, where my arms are dragging and can't lift on more bag to home anymore.

That aside, I've been trying to establish and keep a schedule here in the sparse moments of individual me times I've been literally scraping in the mornings and late at nights. I don't want this summer to be a total waste academically since I was unable to accomplish anything I desired (academically). I am trying to make up for the loss. I've been pretty good at least being capable of doing a good portion of it, while sometimes the writing parts suffer the most with novel readings. Regardless, I'll take some over none.

My nerve endings are anticipating, gauging every scene, moment and person, awaiting an attack which leaves me suffering throughout the days on an end, without an end. I don't know which gust of wind will lead me to the next phase of my life, but I am tired of always having to deal with the short end of the stick.

I am also hating to be a walking contradiction now. Its true I loved it..but it's so inconvenient. I like stability, instilled daily routines, but the moment I get comfortable, get used to it and prove to myself that if I commit to it, I am capable of accomplishing such detailed tasks, I await for something to happen and hope for some sort of excitement as certain thought processes grows stale (which is never good for someone who is aspiring to be a writer). I wish I could find some sort of a medium to keep both sides pleased and keep me out of this dilemma, which I am certain I will suffer this perennial dilemma continuously until my last drawn breath.

Rainy Reawakening

The pendulum has reached it's furthest point in my emotional territory; numbness. I had never felt more numb, more broken down and emotionally unavailable before. I had spent three years of my life with one particular man I was insanely in-love with and yet, I could not for the life of me shed a single tear when I decided it was over and months later when we finally separated our ways much to my relief.

I was beginning to seriously grow suspicious of myself due to the coldness, nonexistent, nonchalant, none caring, fleeting, nonresistant and less intense ultimately, unrecognizably altered nature of my emotions towards everyone, everything and everyday. That wasn't me. The fierce emotions that arises in me is what made me, the weird, awkward, skeptical and rather passionate person. My epiphanies in short moments is what fuels me to write.

There was something amiss in me for so long and the awakening within me was cut short, prematurely when I made the wrong choices for me at the time. Ironically and staying true to the generalities, I am only able to make this analysis now, after the fact and thoroughly believed that I was making the right decisions for me, I was being healthy and going after what I wanted. On a tangent, I know exactly what I want, however what I need presides over what I need and there is still a long time to come for me to attain and live what I want. It's a process and things I like to do keeps getting delayed, but I have grown so much more resolute. I just need to play with a few more things, a little bit of luck and my first two things on my list are about to be crossed off. I am ecstatic about it.

Now my inner pendulum of life is starting to slowly move the other way, gaining momentum. it's really just at the beginning. It's the moment where numbness is only BEGINNING to dissipate, the nonchalant attitude is beginning to vanish and that ugly carelessness is beginning to disappear. It's still there, very much alive, however...beginning is an extremely important process, a process which I am embracing as I celebrate it. It's a beginning of a phase in my life where I need to tend to my decisions and nurture the wild spirit in me carefully and thoughtfully this time. This means my time to be emotional, sensitive, open, aspiring, be inspired, write awfully a lot and get impressed and affected very easily. This also means I am very susceptible to pain again, to wounds, to be hurt and the after shock of the break-up will start creeping around just now. I doubt it will be as strong as it could have been considering there are no feelings left, nor are there any tinges of regret shading my ridiculously near-sighted eyes.

Ithaca has stirred and awakened the movement of the pendulum which I am grateful to now. I have missed being myself, the intense lows and highs and the emotions of every variety, learning to appreciate it all. That road-trip to Ithaca marks a new beginning for me, emotionally, mentally and physically. It was my way of getting a closure, biding my ties tightly and also saying my goodbyes.

A road trip within New York State, it's stubbornly rich forestry, low melancholy Turkish music, an old friend who grasps sides of you that has long been asleep...sometimes transpired and sparked, leaving me with the bitter feelings of the previous several months and it's vile odor within my sunken heart. I cannot wait to get to the voluminously writing part where anything can transpire a story, linking circles, dots, segments and anecdotes.

What does this mean, that means tears will roll, that means anger will rise and I'll seek a place to lash out, that means many conflicting and ironic emotions that will seek to be expressed in variety of ways where I will have to get artistic or creative, because it can become something of a blockage and counterproductive, leaving me with even a bigger issue to deal with in the future, one that is far more complex, layered, piled and unsolvable.

This means I will be hurt, mourning, grieving, trying to understand, relate to others and seeking others who will relate to me, at least be sympathetic towards me rather than apathetic. It will mean I will be hanging around both comfortable and about ready to jump out of my skin with a queasy stomach where I am trying to adjust to the novel in my life and coming to terms with the baggage emotional traumas causes.

But I am glad. I much rather be feeling, than not. Feeling all of these crazy, insane and rather outrageous feelings is what makes me feel human and is my only weapon in my arsenal to be able to connect and relate to others in this world, including my own family. My background or the million different things that connects me to others is what allows me to create sympathy and a bond with anyone else, it's my pure ability to just feel that allows me to create, build and protect relationships.

I've also discovered something shocking and rattling to me. Something I had never realized before. But I need a few months to really judge and find the depths of these new feelings and see it tried out :) It's new waters for me, testing, deep, far and insecure where the world and many friendships could be compromised for the rest of my life. Friendships which I could not live and thrive without. Friendships that are blood in my veins. It leaves me in limbo where one step forward could mean my hell just as well as taking that one step back could also imprison me to hell till the rest of my days.

Bugun seni dusunmek cok agirdi. Agliyamamistim, hala daha da aglamis degilim, ama goz yaslari getirebildi...bu bile birsey.
Nerden dustunki aklima? Inanilmaz cok sayida ve en derinden yaralar actinki, bunlar nasil kapanir bilmiyorum.

Sensiz mutluluk benim, ama bu kadar kirman beni sartmiydi? Bu kadar hayatimi karartip, kendimden nefret ettirtmen gereklimiydi? Uzerime koydun yukleri, kor dugumu attin, bir santim bile kipirdiyamadim. Helal olsun diyorum sana.
Ama..birgun elbet, bu yaralarda gecicek, zorda olsa. Icten agliya agliyada olsa, biticek.

Last Sunday

Today is the last Sunday shift I'll be working at Sinbad's. It's a little melancholy, but I am also looking forward to resting at the same time. My last shift at Sinbad's will be on next Saturday. Where did the summer go?

I have no idea, but I am not nearly done with my reading list. Lately, I've been getting more time to myself (I don't mean uninterrupted, blocks of hours), but it's better than none and when used well I've been able to finish some of my reading. But it's hard to keep that up every time I have shall we say personal time, to use it for just reading as there are a billion things to do, including rest and sleep. My reading in Rochester has been shackled to reading late at night, sacrificing from my sleep and waking up earlier than everyone else so that I could have some quiet to focus on the book. Sleeping late and waking up early though can be detrimental and forget about doing anything when everyone else wakes up. I'll catch up I say to myself when I go back to my place. At the very least I am hopeful.

What I like best about working at Sinbad's is that you get to observe and interact with so many people, good and bad that it gives you great insight as a writer, and so many great character materials to your stories, whether it be short-stories or novel length. While this doesn't work out perfectly as a character in a story needs more than just physical attributes and some mini sketches of dialogue. Then the call for more information arrives. But with some sort of base, it's much easier to guess and fill in information. Sometimes I use Sinbad's as a setting, the mood of the day and write about the characters that has accumulated there. Or other times, I use the dialogues I've caught and character descriptions in other stories where I deem appropriate and that fits in. That's one thing I absolutely adore and love about Sinbad's. It's also much easier to be ruthless with these characters as I have no emotional ties to them and many of them are obnoxious and rude.

Lazy Mornings

When was the last time I had one of these? A very long time ago.

Irem, Marie and I went to the JCC for a early afternoon spa experience. While we were down one woman, namely my mother; it was something all of us desperately needed. We needed it because our lives have been a whirlpool, rushing on without any pauses. So many things has been going on, at the time, in our emotional, mental and physical health's expense.

While relaxing and going through the Spa experience was an enormously gratifying and an enjoyable experience, it was the wrong day. Having to work at night after the Spa experience has left me crippled and disabled. All night long, all I wanted to do was to sleep. Of course at night the restaurant was mind boggling busy, without the ability to breath. I passed out on the couch involuntarily.

While I literally zoned out and slept like a log the whole night, I woke up later (still early, just later than my usual hour), refreshed and to a lazy morning. It was relevantly stress-free and with the sun shining brightly and well, no rushes. Still, I haven't gotten started on my daily schedule and I am currently lingering on doing irrelevant things. We had a huge and time consuming breakfast, enjoying each bite with a laughter and genuine conversation. Breakfast ceased, conversation continued into the stretches of early afternoon.


So, now off to items on my things to do list.

I've missed my bed, my sheets, comforts of my own home and my own possessions. I like having everything I need right under my hand. I've also come to love small spaces, of which I used to be hostile against. However small though, it must belong to you in every way possible. That is my key to my happiness and to the success of my own writing. I feel calmer, safer and comfortable.

It's going to be harder to say goodbye this time around, although my experiences this round here have been increasingly sad, depressive, hurtful and stressful. So many things happened that we won't be able to go back in time. Maybe we can fix some of the issues, but it won't be smooth as it used to be. Few significant principle columns shattered, broke and were completely destroyed. It's going to take time to rebuild one of those and even when that's rebuilt, it's not going to be complete. There will be something always missing in each one of those columns of significance. At this point, we're all just waiting for the departure to Madison. Then everyone maybe could take a deep breath.

But I am going to miss my mom. I am going to miss her even more because this time we barely got any quality time, and what's worst is that we fought a lot this time around. I've said plenty of mean spirited things and we half way drifted a little far. I don't like being this way, but it's done and I require more space, more seclusion, individuality and alone time. So I am not sure if what happened, happened for the best ( I have no other choice but to assume on that attitude). this still, doesn't change the fact that I miss her, I need her and hope that things between us eventually get better. It's hard to picture her out of my life...it feels empty. There are two people for me that I can't picture my life without, those are my mom and Yakup. Everyone else feels like, I could get used to their nonexistence at some point. But...their disappearance would devastate me. Would leave me disheveled. I have a little over a week left here until I go back to my own place and until then I hope to make the best of my time left. Try to spend as much time with her as possible. Things are going to drastically change after I leave...It's a new chapter for us as a family.

We might, again never be this close after all with all the difficulties that has been going on.

Marie's

Yesterday night was strange to say the least. After being on the street for hours on an end, and then visiting my grandmother briefly, Irem and I ended in Marie's to stay the night. This, of course was not a spur of the moment. This was arranged prior to yesterday and had been long time coming as Marie practically begged for us to come and spend some time with her.

So we did yesterday and we shall today again. While I love Marie and her hospitality never ceases me, she's one of those people who will nearly do anything for the love and general well being of her loved ones. My family owes a big thank you to her.

But I realized that I can't be comfortable everywhere, especially on the subject of stay overs. It's difficult for me. I miss my pillow, look for my own bed and covers which makes me feel like at home. This, I take to be one of the reasons why I never seem to be sleeping well when I am visiting my family. It feels like now that I've moved away, my home is the home I live by myself. That is where I belong now. As you can figure out from this post thus far, sleeping was an issue for me yesterday night. Also not having everything with me, only makes it a little more difficult to adapt. usually, I am good at that...adapting. However I look for the warmth of my own home, to place things as I like and to be able to move about, freely unconstrained, which isn't in me to be that way if I am out, staying with someone else. It's just not in my nature. I can't do it. That was a harsh reality that hit me hard this morning when I woke up at seven-thirty a.m.

But to be honest, I have to say I needed the heavy silence. It was freeing. I felt the noise just ooze out of my pores. I didn't have time for myself, but I did have silence. Silence was the greatest gift I could have asked from anyone at the moment. The moody rooms of Marie's home, almost capturing me in one of the Victorian Novels I'm bound to read as I check them off my classics' list. Heavy, somber, cold and silent. While I woke up not so rested, at least my mind had some time to stipulate and come back to it's own senses after the silence.
Silence is something that will elude me for the next six-8 months to come.

Joseph Conrad & F.Scott Fitzgerald

I was first introduced to F.Scott Fitzgerald in U.S. when I was in high school. A first book I've ever read by him was "The Great Gatsby" which I haven't reread in a long time. I can truly say the aforementioned novel is amongst my favorite novels of all time.

On a side note, it is true that I love reading the classics in general, but this doesn't mean I don't enjoy reading modern, post-modern and current novels. So while I devour through the classics this by no means is true that I love all classics. There are many classics that I don't like and cannot understand that it has become a classic, like "The Wuthering Heights".

But I digress. Recently, I've read a lot of Joseph Conrad. His novel "The Heart of Darkness" along with a collection of his short stories, amongst which "Amy Foster" is included. I had often heard of Conrad, but had not read him before. I am deeply impressed to say the least. I think mostly, it's due to the fact that Conrad, an immigrant like myself uses the English language very differently than say, an English at the time or an American today. The descriptions are detailed and the paragraphs are flowery, intricate and also very thoughtful. There is much illuminated and given into philosophical thought. Transitions are smooth, the language has it's own natural rhythm and it flows well as it reads easily. What I mean when I say it reads easily is the point that it's easy to get lost in the imaginary world that Conrad paints, easily forgetting which character is saying what and what the language is trying to highlight, symbolism is highly veiled and metaphors are carefully disguised. Conrad writes a lot like I used to, before I've decided to cut a lot of the flowery language out of my writing and have concsiously made the decision to be more unified and concise, and write more clean prose. It's far more of a heavy duty.

On the other hand I've started reading Fitzgerald's "This Side of Paradise" yesterday morning. I'm nearly half way there and obviously the styles are different, syntax and character focus are also varies. But what has changed dramatically is the way they tell their story, the narration, the mood and the language they use. Fitzgerald is a lot more simplistic with no room for flowery sentences, however focuses on well developed and thoughtful sentences instead.

It's been a quite a bit of a radical change for me as far as reading habits goes as I tend to read similar writers for a while and slowly shifting away from the time period. Rather this time made a big jump.

New Day

Strangely, today I woke up feeling better. Yesterday was a long night and things I didn't plan happened. But I believe things happen for a reason and I know that this is what is meant to be, being this much better for both of us individually.

I felt light and a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I didn't feel that way until I woke up this morning. i guess there were things amiss I hadn't seen initially or didn't feel, or could not recognize due to some sort of blindness.

I feel a little happier, a little bit of clutter has been removed from my mind, I had a much better sleep at night that's for sure and now I am not constantly worrying and thinking and feeling guilty about things that are not under my control to begin with. I am not trying to scrape minutes to call and then my efforts being thwarted on my face because it's not long enough or in-depth enough, despite the fact that it's the best I could manage. Sometimes if it's not good enough, despite the fact that it's done really hardly, there is very little you can do in return. Now I won't feel guilty about neglecting or not being able to devote enough time and not feeling torn in between family and other relationships, time for myself (which is much needed) then devoting it yet to someone else.

Little Things

Little things can make someone happy or unhappy. Sometimes like getting a call, a message from someone you care about, getting a letter, catching up over coffee, or a nice gesture that you were not expecting. At the same time though those very little things could get under your skin and annoy you endlessly. Like not getting that call or that message someone you care about.

Unfortunately, life doesn't go the way we plan it. If anything I know that best in life. Nothing ever goes the way I plan, envision and hope for. Things end up drastically different from what I had always wanted for myself...still I can't complain. Things happen the way they do for me, eventually with a lot of difficulty, sweat, shatters and a lot of sleepless nights. Even though they never end up the way I planned them, things always have a way of working out for the better, at the end. At least, that's what I had come to realize in the past years, after so many mistakes, trials, disappointments and heart breaks. I can only see this point of view as a hindsight, only going back in time I'm able to say that, regardless it's the attitude I've decided to take. There is no other way of getting out of things.

No doubt, relationships are hard and I personally think broken promises are hardest to deal with, explain to one's self and more challenging to reminiscence and think about when you travel to the mystic past. These are hard to face, especially for me. Being on the same page, at all times is difficult. It requires a lot of compromising and sacrifices--sometimes more than the individuals are willing to give up on their part. Sometimes timing is off. For example, I just have a lot on my plate right now. I am not going to mention all other things in my life, but simply having Irem over (which I want to devote every minute possible to her and to ensure her experience here is a riveting positive one), having to work, trying to do some sort of academic work (in this case it would be my endeavors as an aspiring writer and trying to figure out my school situation and afterwards going to Turkey and spending time there with my family and Yakup. I am especially looking forward to spending time with Yakup. Right now, he is who and what I need the most. (That is entirely another different blog post, for another time).

I have never quite been a romantic. I've always been skeptical about love and well, have taken those sentiments a little cynical. I do know that some people get to experience true, passionate love so deeply. I do not dare to doubt that. I just don't think majority of people are capable of experiencing those emotions. There are select chosen few that shall know the true bliss of love, while the rest of us, wretchedly pull through. I am even more skeptical and well a true nonbeliever of relationships. It works hardly...and my grown adult relationships are working out a lot less...increasingly and incessantly.

A lot has been taken away from me and so much has changed about me that sometimes I'm having a difficult time in recognizing myself, my thoughts, my reactions and most importantly, often my emotions and even more often, my lack of emotion. I've grown fiercely independent, separated my own personality from my family (regardless of efforts to be a tightly knit family--which is all together different, especially in the Turkish tradition and culture) and have grown distant. My intimate close friendships have dwindled down to the core. I've only kept the essentials in my life. The others have gotten scratched off. I keep in touch perhaps, but the nature of those relationships have become quite arbitrary, abundant and shallower than the tip of the iceburg. Just knowing one doesn't mean having meaningful bonds. That's what most people have been reduced to for me. I sound extremely bitter and cold right now. Maybe, that's exactly what I have become, a cold, bitter bitch.

I haven't been able to think that relationships work in general. I think exactly the opposite. Relationships don't work. Especially if one or both parties are independent and awkward like me. Those who value detachment, time and space. It's just not applicable to the rules of relationship creating friction and hurting one another in the long run.

Sometimes, I wish I could take things back. Regardless, I regret nothing. This was something I needed to go through is all I can say right now. For what purpose is beyond my capabilities of understanding at the moment. I have no foresight to that question.

I also think I underestimated my scars and wounds. I guess there is a first time for everything to happen though.

So let the time to take care of deals, issues come along and the healing process begin.

Individual Time

I haven't had any time for myself...practically, ever since I came here, but any time to myself for the past two weeks any alone, any quiet time or even any intellectual stimulation has eluded me. It's impossible to scrape five minutes for myself.

I am always around someone, or a group of people, or at work, or at home with either the TV on or the music on, people continually talking, shouting, screaming, vehemently trying to tell their side of the story for the past 3o years, their challenges and the trials of their freedom, the price of their sacrifices. Discussion, disagreements, arguments, everyone vying for their side to be considered the truth, to triumph and to win eventually. My head is about ready to explode. There is so much going on up there, I scantly get the chance to write to express myself. Scratch that, thinking is a big task and it gives me headaches at this point.

Unfortunately there is going to be a big whiplash and or a big emotional bomb to explode when this is over with. There is going to be a great after-storm that will leave me with a lot of personal and family mess to deal with. Things like these are always in two phases. The initial phase of what is going on currently and then the messy emotional phase, after the fact of the actions, consequences of decisions. The second is so much more painful and harder to cope with.


I haven't been able to read, write the way I would like to. For Heaven's Sake, I barely get the chance to sleep. The billion things I do, like vocab, grammar, working through short stories, anthologies, literary devices, criticisms, schools and well a billion other things like, how to write a short story kind of stuff...none of it has been touched. My novels are left stranded on my parents' dinner table, awaiting some sort of affection and understanding from me.


So, when it comes to me doing things for myself, whether it is reading a short story or spending ten minutes on facebook, I refuse to be made to feel guilty and that there was a better way to spend my time, like call or make the time to connect to someone else or other a group of people. If at that moment, that is what I want to do; for example, get on facebook, read a short-story, or write then without having to account my time to anyone else, that is what I should be able to do. All of these restrictions on my time is not something I am used to (other than the ones I create myself) and it gets on my nerves increasingly. I am never alone, and if I do get the chance to do anything, it's like in between two things, like when I am getting a ride, for example to work, if I am picking someone up, or being dropped off or picked up by the car. So if people are going to start comparing saying that I should have called instead of giving myself the ten minutes or the half an hour or the hour I needed to myself instead of sacrificing that some more to keep in touch with others....I am going to be furious. I need some sort of me time to be able to regroup myself.

Some distance and time off does great things to people. I am one of those people. If I act too quickly, right at that moment of my emotional intensity, I say and do things I later regret. Letting me go and letting me do stuff on my own time, on my own terms is the only way I can interact with people as selfish, rude, crude and unbearable that sounds. I've always known that I've been a difficult person. I've never made anything easy on anyone, most importantly on myself. I've probably created way too many obstacles and tormented myself, placing too many arbitrary restrictions on myself when there wasn't the need for one. I have also realized that I've grown to be a very recluse, solitary and quiet loving person. I don't like constant attachments, constant gestures of love, constant repetitions of reaffirming these feelings with words. It strains and suffocates me, as horrid as that sounds. I have a free soul that just likes to roll around in the wind and let the current take me where it will. I used to swim against the current, trying to make the world, life, God, the universe and others bend to my will and get my way with everything. I've given that up now for the past four years. It's too difficult to be constantly swimming against the current. It drains you not only physically but the wear of mental exhaustion is one that cannot be recovered unlike the physical one. You never look at the world the same way again. So here I am, looking at it from an exhausted point of view where the only thing I want to do is to be away from people, society and do my own thing in the four walls of my own sanctuary. I want it so that no one can reach me, cocooned and warm, judging life from the small parameter of my own home much like Emily Dickinson. There hasn't been a time in my life where I wanted to be more alone before.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day. Although it is my off day (much to my dismay at this point) but I have to go to another city to help my mom take care of some issues in which we'll take Irem along (so she isn't home by herself all day long). The good thing is that Marie has invited us over for dinner. That I am looking forward to.

Bachelorette Parties

Considering I've only been to one and having shown late for the party itself barely gives me any information to form an opinion on.

But it feels offensive and, well, out of the line for me. I am no prude, by any means of sexuality. I believe people should be raised in environments where their confidence, looks, body image, self esteem should be positively harbored and positively displayed, expressed without black lashes of the societies or individuals such as negative stigmatization, name calling, labeling and judgement due to sexual choices, changing the thought pattern until "promiscuity" isn't used for being a "slut".

It was fun, there were no strippers, however my group of friends ended up going to a strip club. It was fun to just dance, make fun of tradition and other things, tease Eliza, eat lots of good food, have penis themed party favors and decorations.

But, is it really necessary? I think instead going out to have fun with a group of girls (often one at that) is necessary. Women need to be able to have a close bond of few girl friends for well, girl time, and sometimes to share the burdens of being a women in the 21st century. Is it really how you want to set precedence to your married life? Don't get me wrong, by no means am I a marriage supporter. In fact I abhor the thought of marriage weddings and everything else that comes with those two words. I think it's an antiquated obligation that's mainly forced down on women across the globe, also highly marketed and far too consumerist market in the industrialized countries that's well in technology age. I think less people should get married. But that..again that's entirely my opinion. And if you are getting married, why is this piece of cultural artifact, traditional principal necessary? Doesn't it go against everything the patriarchal culture believe in? Of course the very opposite can be said about Bachelor parties...but that's besides the topic here today and this blog.

Simply Sinbad's

Working at Sinbad's is both a joy and a challenge. It's fast paced, demanding, rules are always set and always broken, servers growing annoyed and irritated due to the, well spoiled assholes that occupy the tables and chairs at Sinbad's.

Workers tend to grow close, fond of each other creating a small community, tightly knit, continuing on long after people get fired or quit themselves, more than keeping in touch, remaining close friends.

However, there are also notorious fights and intense screaming, yelling, accusations and well, tip stealing, sneaking around about tables and such. They can end up giving such a hard time during your shift you can end up crying to go home.

Work itself is demanding, challenging and physical. It's physical with all the damn trays, food, drinks, the stairs and the long hallway to the kitchen from the door. The customers are rude at best, selfish, self interested and everyone who comes in through the door think they own Sinbad's because the owners talk to everyone and try to make them "feel at home". While this sounds great on paper or to the ear, it's not realistic and disadvantageous when applied to restaurants. After all, this is a restaurant and you are not at home. Since this is an establishment, there are rules even customers needs to heed. Alas leaving us at our never ending daily dilemmas.

But regardless, I always have loved working at Sinbad's. Unluckily, there is no Sinbad's in where I regularly live.

Park Ave. Festival

The infamous Park Ave. Fest took place last weekend from early Saturday morning until Sunday evening.

They close off the entire street where no cars are allowed, people rush into the avenue, sidewalks cluttered with white tents, in it ornaments, art and a lot of useless crap are sold at usually high prices. There are fun things like, caricature drawings, live music (not always good music, or even talented singers and musicians--music nonetheless) and endless supply of food, all kinds of food: fast food, restaurants of different cuisines, candy and snacks, traditional favorites like cotton candies. That part is my favorite part of the festival. People get drunk about three in the afternoon and remain drunk until Sunday morning where people can't wake up before three in the afternoon and hung over well into Monday. It's really an excuse to drink and well, go wild and get arrested for inappropriate decency.

It's also fun when you're not working a double shift both days, starting early, getting off late, when it's not humid, stiflingly hot and overbearingly busy. Oh, it's definitely not a walk in the park when you're fasting as well. Not a drop of liquid, or a bite of solids. Nothing at all. To work at a restaurant is a hard work, but to do that fasting, on top at a Park ave. Festival, I was ready to fall off the face of the earth and become one with my bed. Dealing with drunk customers is extraordinarily challenging is the icing on the cake.

Regardless, for the past three years, I had not attended the Park Ave. Fest. Attending old time regulars has brought up many memories and it was also an easy way to entertain my guest here. Squeezing her in between my one or two hour breaks between two shifts both days was not something I was crazy about, or even proud of...or even liked for that matter. I wish I could have devoted a large amount of time to go through each store, carefully, while stuffing our faces. But we did get our caricature drawn and she was able to buy cupcakes and we ended up taking lots of photos and having a lot of laughs at others' expense...However, as long as she had a good time, I can't have too much to complain about.

Learning to take the good with the bad :)

Fasting

Ramadan is here and I fasted for seven straight days. Really, I am not bragging. Because, well I couldn't fast for the past two days because I lost two and a half pounds.
Fasting is a tedious thing. It's more than challenging and keeps your plate pretty full--ironically. Your stomach muscles shrink leaving you with this antagonizing subtle plain all day long. It feels like your stomach is glued to your back--your ribs. Thirst is even harder to deal with. It's a constant pain, it feels like sanding paper against your tongue, your throat and down to your lungs. You just can't get that feeling out of your body. You are constantly counting down the hours you can start eating and drinking again, but surprise, surprise, when you can actually eat, you actually don't have the appetite to eat. You go on starving for the rest of the week until you start getting used to eating one meal and then constantly snacking until sun rise.
It was extremely challenging to work through the Park Ave. Festival and also to Fast at the same time. It was humid, extremely hot, extremely busy and beyond tense that I cannot properly describe it. But I am proud of myself that I didn't cave in and broke my fast.
However, when fasting, everything is ready to blow up, you're a fuse box that has blown up and relooking to blow up again...easily agitated and you're in an irritable mood. It's hard to live up to the expectations listed in the Qur'an when you're fasting, like cleaning your heart, mind and soul so you can become not only a better Muslim, but also a better person. Become kinder, learn to forgive and understand, reconcile and keep your temper in check, your violence and the desires of the selfish, humanly anchored thoughts into the worldly principles.

Irem is here.

Irem is here. I couldn't be more excited. It's like back to my childhood days. I laugh, I do funny and stupid things, laying around, lounging and make ridiculous bodily noises...I am happy once again.
Irem has been good to me and is bound to do more good to me in the future. It's like catching glimpses of happiness and peace through the patches of past memories reminiscing and filling up the holes that were created in gaps of time.

Innocence, naive and childhood kind of goes hand in hand. I am not a big advocate of remaining innocent and naive and advocate that is what is worth in girls, those who deserve happiness--quite the contrary. But it never hurts to have it in a safe harbor, available to access with the right people. Having that access is another issue. It's difficult to have reserves of that and also mature, wise up as the experiences in life adds up to cynicism and diminishing the dreams of the past--they hardly carry over to the present. But with Irem, it's so easy...as easy as breathing, easily things fall into their own places. Things that has been set in stone, she has the capability of overturning them. Into my younger years in Turkey I turned, when I was 8-10 years old, where life was something much different than the way it is today. I observed it thoroughly from vastly different binoculars.

It's like recovering the old times without the difficult and shocking, nasty, after taste, without the negativity holding up and electrocuting each cell individually.

I am so glad Irem is here. She is going to do wonders for me and to heal me, perhaps help me turn into a nicer person once again as I used to be, help me become someone nicer and perhaps inject the never ceasing positivism she's got in her soul into my bloodstream to become an overall happier person. :)