Gonlumde guller acilmis teker teker, bense yeni farkina veriyorum. Geriye sadece sukretmek kaliyor ya.

Oturtulmus bir duzen kadar guzel birsey varmi? En azindan, oturtmaya calisilmasi...

I like this new feeling...New beginnings.

After a long hiatus and a tumultuous time which has further reaffirmed my old notions and confirmed my own emotions towards certain situations and types of people. Hindsight, as always is 20/20, but let's just say, I am pretty confident in my own pre-cognitive abilities after this whole ordeal. It feels as though a good portion of my summer has been wasted away with insignificant experiences and without much gain and my own financial and time loss to add and highlight here. However, experiences are experiences and I always think if something has been lived through, sure it could have been prevented, however it was meant to live through. A good experience usually opens many other doors and it's often better than contemplating or learning certain details a little too late. Knowledge is probably the most valuable asset one can come to possess in the post-modern world. So, do I wish that this difficult transition never happened? Of course. However, I am also glad things happened the way they happened because it also has given me the wonderful opportunity to gain the insight I needed and in the long run, I truly believe that things worked out for the best. Sure, I am not doing anything academically exciting or thrilling, however I am seeing that I am slowly, but certainly turning my life around and putting it back on it's rails where it belongs. I have a feeling, from now on, things are going to be harsh, but wonderful.

After all of this, I am nearly settled down. That...at this point gives me so much hope that eventually things will work out.

Especially after having cleaned, organized and placed all of S's clothes. The donation that will follow in the morning will only heighten my delight which hopefully will find it's apex with my closet being brought here and then organized. Then, I think I can finally take a breather and slowly learn to hope to return to a normal and fulfilled life I have been dreaming of having for this summer. Ah, hopes and dreams, wait for me, I'll catch up to you soon, very soon :)

Ve bulutlardan inip, tekrar gerceklerle karsilastim. Ve ne yazikki, gercekler eskisi kadar buyuleyici degil.

Kahinat, sictin agzima

Ah, kahinat. Hep agzima siciyorsun sen benim boyle. Birden bire, bir okyanusa itiyorsun beni, doldur ruhunu doldurabildigin kadar. Sonra, o okyanusta, bir firtina cikariyorki, benide tam onun gobeginin ortasina koyuyor. Sonra, ben, dunyam, gezegen, evren, kahinat birbirine karisiyor. Sonra, tekrar durgunlugu gozler olup, bekliye duruyorum.

Kafami karistirip duruyorsun, bir gun nazli, bir gun atakta, bir gun pisman, kararsiz, sonrasindada kabullenmeye calisip, o ilk gecedeki elektrigi hissetmeye calisip duruyorum. Kararlar, saat basi degisiyor. Bir gun he tamam diyorum, sonra gordugum seyler, sogutuyor, yada ileride bir sozcuk benim icimi tekrardan sicacik ada vapurunda verilen bir cay gibi isini veriyor. Bilemiyorum, emin olamiyorum, dogalmidir bu? Tam verilen gazin sonucumudur bu?

eskiye dair birsey kalmadi, ve artik huzuru senin nefesinde bulmak...nede cok sey degisti?

Senin ben varya...hikayeler hep tekrarlanirmis.

Ah bu kahinat, ah. Hep agzima sicip duruyorsun. Ah, ah, ah. Bu gidisle, daha bakalim icimde ne kargasalar, ne kavgalar, ne inancsizliklar, ne nazlar gelip geciyor. Kararsizliklar deniz boyu. Hem aydinlik, hem karanlik. Hayirlisi benim icin ne, cok merak ediyorum.
Bir gun oh tamam derken, diger gun...hmm dedigim oluyor. Dusundurucu, tatsiz, tutsuz, kafa karistiran olay cok. Ama bakalim, tamamiylede kestiremiyorumda. Ama bir yanimda, tutunmak, emek vermek istiyor. Bazen o kadar mutlu oluyorumki, bunu anlatmak, tarif etmek, o kadar zorki.

Barisikliligin adina...

Ve ben cozuldum artik. Umutlarimdan, ruyalarimdan, planlarimdan korkmuyorum. Yapmak istediklerimin ne kadar zor oldugunu bilsemde, bunlari yapmaktan korkmuyorum. Onlar beni urkutmuyor. O kadar zor olduklarini bildigim halde, bana eskisi kadar erisilmez gibi gelmiyor. Zamanla, bu yaptiklarimi yapmaya devam ettikce, eninde sonunda, olucakmis gibi geliyor bana. Hak etmeye basladigimda, geriside gelicekmis gibi geliyor bana.
Bu yuzdende cok mutluyum. Kendindem, gecmisimden, yaptigim yanlisliklari kabullenip artik onlarin agirliginin altinda kalmamaya karar verdim. Bunlari sirtima yukleyim, ogrendigim dersleri gogsumde hic bir an birakmadan tasiyip artik dahada olgunlasan ruhumun dahada buyumesine, kanatlarini acip, baskalarini hatta kanatlarinin altina alip, dunya ile barisik, kendimle mutlu, ve hedeflerime yakinlasmak icin aldigim yolda, adim adim ilerlemek.

Insan kendinle baristigi zaman, baskalarini daha da fazla bir hosgoru ile karsiliyor. Onlarin yaptiklarina, soylediklerine takmiyor. Birak, o daha toy, oda yaptiginin yanlisliklarini, dogruluklarini, burnunun dikine bu kadar gitmeyeyi elbette bir gun ogrenecek diyorsun. Insanlarin yaptiklariyla, soyledikleriyle, davranislariyla, fazla ilgilenmemeyi, onlari kirmamayi, ve bu kadarda onlari tartip, bicip, yargilamamayi ogreniyorsun. Sadece mantiksal acidan bakip, belli bir sonuca varip, yaptigi seylerde nedenlerini anlamaya calisiyorsun. Bir yere gelis noktasindan cok, oraya varmadan once, basladigi noktayi dusunuyorsun, merak edyorsun, onu anlasam, neden boyle yaptigini anliyabilirim diyorsun.

Hayat guzel oluyor ya. Mutsuz olsanda, yolunda gitmeyen bir suru sey olsada, genede mutlusun, mutlu oluyorsun. Tutunacak bir dalin, gozundeki yasi silecek bir el, ve onu kurutucak bir sebebin oluyor. Gunes dahada bir sicak, yagmur dahada bir huzunlu, renkler daha da bir canli, kokularin ozu ise burnumda, ciceklerin guzelligi, gozumun nurunda sakli olu verdi. Hayat dahada bir guzel artik. Bunlarla tanisik degildim ben bir sene oncesine kadar. Bunlarla karsilasip, benimseyince, sukretmeyi gonulden ogrendim. Ilk defa bu kadar hayatimda her gunum sukurle, zikirle gecer oldu. Iste boyle boyle, tekrar barisi verdim Allah'la, kendimle, imanla.
Boyle boyle, yakaladim mutlulugu kuyrugundan.

never doubt the healing ability of writing and used book stores.

Used Book Stores

Many of us don't like second hand properties and possessions. We are okay with cars most of the time and of course houses are never an issue. However, it's always a different issue when that comes to clothes and other more private, intimate belongings.

I love vintage and rusting things. I seem to have an affinity to the old, used and the charming, so things like used book stores are as natural as air in my lungs.

It's like the secret garden each children strives to discover in their early years with it's mysteries, seeds of hopes and the reality of a world we can't yet understand probably will only be able to figure out. Used bookstores are something like that for me. They are my secret gardens where I can heal my tired heart and a soul that already has many wrinkles on the surface, still trying to appear youthful. A little bit of therapy is something we all need to find old souls, old loves and the hopes that doesn't seem to diminish no matter how hard life gets in the pages of donated and books sold back to bookstores.

Hello, used book stores.

Catching up to mom

While some of us have close relationships with fathers, others have close relationships with their mothers. I think in general though (although as there are and as there should be exceptions) daughters tend to have a special bond with their mothers. I, in particular believe that the bond between a mother and a child is irreplaceable and the most sacred of bonds.

Ever since I was little, I always wanted to be like my mother. Blonde like her, with emerald green eyes like hers, with a soft humming voice like hers and gentle demeanor she always assumed. These were all the details I had subconsciously, perhaps even unconsciously. I know all of these now at a backward glance. Then as I aged, it became more about her personality. The gentle demeanor she had, the kind heart she always possessed, the boundless love she had for her children, her family and the world in general. The never ending optimism and the will to fight on, no matter the circumstances and regardless of the difficulty, or even impossibility of it all.

As much as I love, adore, cherish and admire my mother, as much as she is my hero, the person I respect the most and even take her as my biggest, most influential role model, I am nothing like my mother. I wish I had been more like her. Whether my life would have been easier or more difficult is open to debate. But regardless, I spend most of my time, trying to catch up to her. Trying to be like her.

However, no matter what I'll never catch up to her. I'll be at similar levels when she was my age, but I'll never be at the place where she is right now. We'll never be at the same level due to her limitless capacities and yet, untouched potential she possesses. The depths of her soul, the purity and strength of her heart and her precognitive abilities are far beyond any person's I've ever seen, read, heard, learned about. Preparedness is an open ended question and with the materials and sources she's had she's always done an outstanding job to get herself and the rest of her family where we are. She will continue to carry us to even further mountain peaks. That's just the type of person she is.

Now all this is said and done, I hope she will read this one day and will understand how much she means to me.

Catching up to you is impossible. You will be my life long mentor whom I'll always be proud to speak of.

I never actually wanted to write this on here, but it looks like it has become inevitable and it also looks like I could use the writing practice, considering I have been seriously neglecting the writer in my soul and the creative part of my mind.
People have a tendency to use those around them for their self purposes and benefits without a second consideration, thought or even care what they are taking away from that particular person. That has happened quite often as of late considering everything Erdem has taken away from both Aysegul and I....well somethings are inevitable and sometimes a mistake is a lot better than an explanation that lasts hours :) Demonstrable lessons.

hep cok fazla konusmamak lazimdir derim ama donup gene bu konu hakkinda gereksiz bilgi veririm..sebep? bazi hatalarimdan ders cikaramamam.

Gene uzun zaman gecti, gene bayagidir birseyler yazamadim, ve gene birikenler, evimden asan bulasiklar gibi, gonlumden, dilimden tasiyor. Neler neler olmuyor ki? Degisen modlar, hisler, yasanalanlar, guvensizlikler, tedbirsizlikler, sallantilar kendime verdigim vede bozdugum sozler...vesayre gibi neler neler aslinda. Yazamamak beni delirtiyor kimi zaman, sanki hayat aslinda o zaman akip geciyormus gibi geliyor bana. Birseyer yazmadan zamanin bilimini, dilimini, dilini anliyamiyorum. Hem sabirli hemde tezcanliyim ayni anda. Hem olsunlar, hemde olmasinlar istiyorum. Bir zit kararsizligin esiginde, nereye adimimi atacagimi bilemiyorum bir turlu. Bir an cok mutluken, kendimden nefret edebiliyorum.

There is something about discovering a soul mate, a friend--a friend that is a lot closer than just someone you occasionally hang out with and share school deadline stress with.

When I say soul mate, I don't particularly mean a boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other/spouse/someone of the opposite sex/or someone you are sexually attracted to.



I think it's so much simpler to have soul mates that are friends. Friends who understand the curves, nooks of your soul and realize how deep your soul can be and the capacity of growth that is yet uncapped. The happy moments can always be enhanced by being around them, the sadness seems to find it's bottom and slowly diminish. Problems seem solvable, at least not as big as we make them out to be in our imaginations. We are further pushed out of our own cultural settings, our own experiences are no longer our only guidance to this world and there is someone to challenge us without whipping at our back. There is an ear to listen to us, a shoulder to lean on when we cry. A soul that truly accepts and embraces us with our problems, difficulties and flaws. The person who sees us in our essence with brilliant lights and increase the magnitude of our advantages and positive points.

Since that night in April, I've found a new soul mate that has forever changed my time in Madison and my life hereafter. So here's to you, Soul Mate.

Aslinda, gonlumden neler neler geciyor su anda. Beni benden alan o tatli gun icinde yasanan dusler, o telasin icinde, hayal edilen gelecekler. O cekilen icler, sonra bir zevkle eraber gelen o rahat, huzur dolu mutluluk. Sevgi pitircigi gibi acan o boluk porcuk dusler bir su gibi yavas yavas akar, uzanir, bir elini gecmise, diger elinide gelecege baglar. Neler, neler geciyor su kalbimden su anda. Baka baksan diye, dort gozle bekler oldum. Sen, sen varya...icimde boyle bir anlatmasi aslinda zor, bana ic cekipte, her nefeste tekrardan sukrettigim, ve her seferinde hayatin daha ne kadar guzel oldugunu hatirladigim. Biraz daha mutlu oluyorum her gunku halimden, ki zaten benim ayaklarim su anda yere basmiyor ki. Ama bilsen ki, bir bilsen, icimde ne kadar buyuk bir firtinalar oluyor. Bu bir kac saat, kedinin kasaptaki cigeri bekledigi gibi bekler oldum seni. O ince ama sart bakislarin beni, aldi aklimi basimdan, beni deli divane etti.

Bazen, kendimi korudugumu, bazende kendi kendime kasindigimi dusunuyorum. Gene ayni ates, dustu tam yuregimin ortasina...yutkunamiyorum ve ne yapsam bilmiyorum. Cildirmamak elde degil. Bir insanin kaderi bu kadar benzer mi? Bu kadari mumkun mu? Bende kesin bir problem var. Bazi huylar bu kadar benzer mi? Bazen gecmisi yasarmis gibi oluyorum, tuylerim urperiyor. Aciya, zorluga acigim. Ben bunlarin zaten bir bedel oldugunu, bunsuz hayatin ve degerli hic birseyin gelmicegini biliyorum, kabullendim. Ama ayni acilar? Her seferinde gene dagiliyorum.

Confusion

I don't know where to begin per se.
There has been so many different issues and events that has occurred and people have entered in my life as of late. Recently, I have been finding my no edit policy of my blog a little unsatisfying and that has also been on my mind.

Also, I want to mention that since I go through great writing periods at a time, which later dwindles down to just reading. My blog entries tend to pile up one after another in my drafts. So, I am overwhelmed at the number of drafts I have produced since I've returned to Madison. Have I mentioned how much I love going through these untapped, continuing and stirring, charged with creativity writing periods.

Eger bana siir yazdirabiliyorsan...

Why must we exist?

A group of us were talking about sexual tensions and desires and why they are built in biologically, why they are designated by biological survival rather than just passion, love or whatever else you might believe in. I hope I am not breaking any mirrors, cages, piercing through dreams and self defenses by announcing this so abruptly.

Well, it is all so because we can procreate and exist in one way or another as an extension of ourselves in  our children and descendants. Humans are selfish, it is in our DNAs, encrypted and all. But why is it so? Why does our biology determine we must exist at all? Why is that important? And here I am, can't particularly explain myself because the conversation has passed and I can't quite remember what I said that received recognition among my group of peers. That's too bad you're saying. That's what I am saying too.

What I can't figure out is why we must exist at all that our biology is wired this way. Why is vanishing such a bad thing? Why do we have to exist? It's not like the world is going to stop existing when we stop existing. We'll just stop existing. Sure, it'll be sad for us to go, but we don't own any claims and don't own the world as much as we'd like to think so. Empires have withered away, what makes you think we have permanent claims on the world? World has existed much before we ever came into existence. Now that we are here, why must we think that we have to continue to exist in one way or another?

Clinique Acne Solutions Clay Mask

On my last trip to Sephora this was one of the items I had purchased. I've been using it regularly, twice a week for a few weeks now. I must say, it's done wonders for me during my last four weeks of classes and finals time. It's reduced my acne, kept it under control and also has given me a smoother, more even skin. I feel better about myself already. So if you're having trouble with acne, I recommend you give this a try. Here is the link:
http://www.sephora.com/acne-solutions-oil-control-cleansing-mask-P244701

I also recommend the acne moisturizer, which goes twice a day on your skin. I guarantee, you'll see immediate results within three days. Combine this with your mask and in a week, you're guaranteed to run around with a clear face.
Here's the link
http://www.sephora.com/acne-solutions-clearing-moisturizer-oil-free-P188306?skuId=1027465

Karanfil Sokagi

Karanfil Sokagi

Tekmil ufuklar kışladı
Dört yön, onaltı rüzgar
Ve yedi iklim beş kıta
Kar altındadır.

Kavuşmak ilmindeyiz bütün fasıllar
Ray, asfalt, şose, makadam
Benim sarp yolum, patikam
Toros, Anti-toros ve asi Fırat
Tütün, pamuk, buğday ovaları, çeltikler
Vatanım boylu boyunca
Kar altındadır.

Döğüşenler de var bu havalarda
El, ayak buz kesmiş, yürek cehennem
Ümit, öfkeli ve mahzun
Ümit, sapına kadar namuslu
Dağlara çekilmiş
Kar altındadır.

Şarkılar bilirim çiğ tutmuş
Resimler, heykeller, destanlar
Usta ellerin yapısı
Kolsuz, yarı çıplak Venüs
Trans-nonain sokağı
Garcia Lorca'nın mezarı,
Ve gözbebekleri Pierre Curie'nin
Kar altındadır.

Duvarları katı sabır taşından
Kar altındadır varoşlar,
Hasretim nazlıdır Ankara.
Dumanlı havayı kurt sevsin
Asfalttan yürüsün Aralık,
Sevmem, netameli aydır.
Bir başka ama bilemem
Bir kaçıncı bahara kalmıştır vuslat
Kalbim, bu zulümlü sevda,
Kar altındadır.

Gecekondularda hava bulanık puslu
Altındağ gökleri kümülüslü
Ekmeğe, aşka ve ömre
Küfeleriyle hükmeden
Ciğerleri küçük, elleri büyük
Nefesleri yetmez avuçlarına
-İlkokul çağında hepsi-
Kenar çocukları
Kar altındadır.

Hatip Çay'ın öte yüzü ılıman
Bulvarlar çakırkeyf Yenişehir'de
Karanfil Sokağında gün açmış
Hikmetinden sual olunmaz değil
"mucip sebebin" bilirim
Ve "kafi delil" ortada...

Karanfil sokağında bir camlı bahçe
Camlı bahçe içre bir çini saksı
Bir dal süzülür mavide
Al - al bir yangın şarkısı,
Bakmayın saksıda boy verdiğine
Kökü Altındağ'da, İncesu'dadır.

--Ahmed Arif

Grocery Shopping

mmm, who doesn't like grocery shopping? I am not sure where most people lay on this topic, but I do love grocery shopping, considering I don't have to do it every week, rather every other week. I think in general, I like shopping for my house, getting little things here and there to make it seem more like home, one or two more things to make my life at home easier, my experiences in kitchen more enjoyable and space saving items. Well, let's not forget the highly decorative pieces that always captures my eyes in the instant I am greeted into the store.
Grocery shopping though is therapeutic for me. It leaves me desiring and also dreaming at the same time. It leaves me inspired to try new things, make new recipes and well, dreaming about the time where I'll have that house with the big kitchen which I can do and make anything in.

Grocery shopping, here I come :D

Mutlu, mutlu, mutlu, mutlu....Allah'im bozmasin.

Pride and Isolation

Pride can be a good thing to have sometimes. It allows you to save face and can be a preventative measure to not engage in acts you know you will suffer the consequences from. For those measures and extent, pride is great.

Though, like everything else in the world, too much of it is problematic and causes disasters.

I think many of us have been defeated by our egos, propelled by our pride. We've all been a tool for our own prides. We've all just have made mistakes on the part of pride. Hopefully we've learned from such things to move onto a better relationship with ourselves and the remaining of the human race.

Pride, eventually, when not settled in, checked and managed, leads to isolation. Pride in ourselves, pride in our abilities, pride from where we come from are great mechanisms for self motivations for better future for ourselves. But these thoughts eventually to the belief or conclusion, sometimes both, that we are better than the rest or at least most. While, I've never liked the idea of living so hand in hand with society, fashion, tradition and the ideals of the time for it's sake, it's also unhealthy and unwise to live outside of it completely. Exile and isolation are things that have heavy consequences to human nature. We are social animals and we require and desire the company of another human, humans most of the time. Isolation, though it can require some great works of art, it is never a long lasting resolution to any problem or dispute. For short while, it may be great. But deprivation of it makes us lose who we are, what we are, and most cases leads us to death either literally or figuratively.

Pride is like a cage where it makes us withdraw into ourselves. While being self dependent, reliant and being able to solve our own problems, overcome our mistakes and console our own miseries (really, all are very admirable qualities) there are things we can't always do on our own. At the end if we let pride color our choices and it's cage set limits on human interaction we'll always be misunderstood by others because of our refusal to let them in it, share our world with them. At the end, we'll be the ones alone and left to die without anyone's realization, like Kafka's hunger artist.

Kipir kipir, bicir bicir, oldu icim. Bu heyecana ben mani olamiyorum ama.

Primers

I probably should have mentioned this along with my foundations entry, I forgot but, alas here we are.

Now, I don't use foundations often. I probably use it less then 20% of the time. I just don't feel the need to use foundation, considering my age and well, I try to take care of my skin, with it I don't find the need to cover up my own skin. But, if you are going to use foundation, I highly recommend you use a primer. It fills in the pore and prepares your face for the foundation, creating a layer between your face and your foundation. Also it smooths out any wrinkles and uneven surfaces, giving you a better finish. Some primers have a dewy finish, some are more drier. Choose the one that fits your skin most.

Like foundation, because primer is something I don't use often, but that is a crucial part of make up when applied I believe it's worth to spend extra bucks to have a greater pay off. There are loads of primers out there, some are better than others and while some suits others betters. You're going to have to experiment and try it on your own skin to make a decision that suits your needs and fits your requirements best.

My top primers are:

Laura Mercier. I was about 16-17 when I went to my Senior Prom. I got my make up done professionally for the first time and it was the first time I was introduced to primers. Needless to say, I fell in love with primers shortly after and became an irreplaceable part of my foundation trio. (Primer, foundation, powder). A little drop goes a long way. The quality, the feel and the price are not bad.

For your eyes, though I don't quite like eye primers. I don't use eye primers for my daily and even for most of my important events. Though they are great, I just don't think they're that necessary most of the time. For your daily make up, I don't think it's necessary to use a eye make up primer, and for other times, I think a great base is more effective than a primer. However, having a good eye primer does and can come in handy for those extra special days and events where you won't have the chance to touch up and it's important to have a more color brightness to your make up because you are going to be photographed and or be on film, like if you are going to be in a make up or have your portrait taken.

So for those special important days that are bound to happen at least several times a year I recommend the following primers
Too face shadow insurance or Urban Decay primers. These are tried out and have not failed. They are always on top sellers and are primers that many people always recommend and talk about. I don't think I've meet a single person who has not like these two primers.

Like I said these are not necessary all the time, but having a good eye primer can go a long way and give you that extra confidence in your photos.

Streets of Madison

Madison streets are notorious for me. Beautiful and healing, there is this property of quality I can't quite explain to others, or even to myself, quite ironically disregarding my ability of describing things in detail and skills (or lack there of) at writing. It's like rediscovering your favorite band that you've forgotten about, or the pictures you've taken, left to turn yellow in your photo box, somewhere, deep in the corner of your closet. Rediscovery is probably what it most symbolizes, most perfectly--or as near it as it can get.

It's like finding some sort of great treasure, you've missed before hand. You just didn't have the eyes that required to see it's beauty yet. Yet, though six months later, you'll stand there, having immensely grown, equipped with a pair of eyes that will see through the opaque and the transparent alike, with a great taste of art in it's essence. You'll end up rediscovering not only yourself, but life in general.

Tasinacagim

Insan tasinicam demeye kalmasin, ne kadarda cabuk soguyor mus kendi evinden? O kadar duzeninden vaz gecip, nasilda fikrini degistirebiliyormus verdigi emekler hakkinda? Simdi kendimi evimden disari atmaya bakiyorum. Burdan tasinmaya desek aslinda cok daha dogru olur.

Dizi izlerken kendinden gecmek demek bu oluyor herhalde.

Ilk once bir suru, yuk ekledim kendi omuzlarima, teker teker. Hepsini ust uste sigdirdim, taaa o masmavi goge varana kadar, Bulutlardaydi benim yuklerim, ama beni ise, her seferinde yerin dibine biraz daha gomdu. Santim, santim. Oysaki, ben aslinda bir kus kadar hafif olup, bir su kadar ozgur olmanin hayllerinin pesindeydim. Yerim, yurdum olmadan, gocebe bir hayatin verdigi haz, tatmin ve simulasyonla, yolumdaki cicekleri yeserte yeserte hayatimin yolunu cizmeye karar vermistim. Sonra, bilmedigim bir suru yukte eklemisim. Yasadikca, yasim arttikca, bu hayattaki tecrubelerim beni biraz daha insanlarina rasinda karistirip, biraz daha bu dunyanin elinde kasarlandikca. Ama bilseydim ki, kendime neleri neleri yapiyorum diye, hic bunlara bastan baslamazdim. Ama iste, agir geldi kendi ellerimle yukledigim tum o agir yukler. O kulfetler, o bedeller, bana inanilmaz agir geldi. Onlarla basetmek benim dunyami karartti.

Simdi, o yukleri atar oldum, teker teker, tipki onlari kendi ellerimle ilk basta koydugum gibi. Yerine, elbette baskalari geliyor, geldi ve gelecek. Bu ise hayatin kacinilmaz bir gercegi. Ama, elbette birakipta bir daha koymayacagim bir suru yuk olacak. O ise ayri. O ise baska bir dava :)

Ama simdi, sen. senle beraber, icimde hic tanimlamadigim, oldugundan habersiz bir yukumun farkina vardim, ve onuda atmaya basladim, gram gram, gidim gidim, ve tekrardan hurriyetimin kapisinin onundeyim, senle ise, ramak kaldi tekrardan ozgurlugume merhaba demeye.