I would have loved to be still sleeping. But I woke up from my sleep--all of my prayers unsaid again--and was reading something and one thing left to another and read about a whole bunch of serial killers. Mm, not quite the most pleasant topic there is out there to read about, especially so late at night. Creepy being given, moving on to the scarier parts of this...Realizing that there is no possible guarantee of life as you live by about it...it's incredibly sad and threatening. It's as simple as looking a certain way, wearing a certain thing and not giving a second thought to help someone who pretends to be injured to ruse you into rape, torture, mutilate and eventually kill you. Someone who is set on ending your life from the beginning and in order to attain his goals he uses the most sympathetic ways to engage your attention and step on those sentimentalities to defile your life, your relationships and to ruthlessly pain those you love and hold dear. Your sole fault in this is, existing. There is no other way of justifying this. It's the most terrifying thought possible. It scares me so much that I have pulled all the blinds up and turned on all the lights, with a constant background noise and my ears are on alert, ready to pick up any stray and staggering feet noises outside of my door, in the hallway. I've checked my door lock about a billion times now and I could swear someone is trying to pick my lock.
They're out to get your life, a life that we in most cases take for granted. Days go by without a thing done, without happiness, cherishing others, finding love, or being grateful for the things one might or might not possess...days gone by without dreaming. days gone by being miserable and holing on to things now that seems a little silly and trivial in comparison to sacredness and uniqueness of an individual life and the sadness brought upon by it's loss and the sheer horror it leaves behind when one is cruelly and brutally murdered. Maybe I feel this way because I had a friend commit suicide at the youth of his life and a great uncle mercilessly killed for reasons unknown to us--reasons I don't think I could ever fathom...So, maybe this is one of my soft spots that seems to keep being dragged deeper and deeper.
Then you get to the end of the article and start finding out about these killers, so called human beings by specie to not possess a shred of remorse, guilt, or even viewing their victims as not human beings, but rather objects is beyond my imagination or empathy levels, not mentioning even being able to understand the process, logic or whatever there is beyond the killings...reasons, excuses, and etc.
To humiliate and objectify a human being so much that all you see is release of your own feelings and having felt the ultimate control over someone and to possess someone entirely. They're only flesh and bones in which you can manipulate in the way of your prefrence. This is frightening. I've always been attracted to the allure of the dark, charm of the night and the gaze of a bright full moon. I have never argued to possess a straight and pure moral compass. There are many absurdities that I find normal, and I tend to be not as harsh of a judge of human character and human experiences...that aside, this is beyond anything I could ever come close of illuminating of finding a way to settle things within myself. There is a scary world out there, and I'd like to protect myself and all those I love from it--an impossible wish to fulfill. Even by God's standards, it goes against the very fabric of destiny and fate God has established for his humble creatures to follow and taste.
Especially to meet that brutal fate, in your own home, supposedly your own sanctuary and the most safe place one would ordinarily feel, and in their sleep on top of that to only meet the end of a sharp force on your face. This makes my heart sink to the bottom of the ocean and it feels like I won't ever be able to retrieve it. A part of me died today...involuntarily.
As far as jobs goes...I've gotten a whole bunch of applications and have turned some in until the point of exhaustion. I have to go back today to finish University ave. On Saturday I'll seek out and solicit shops and stores on Monroe Ave., and eventually make my way down to State Street. It's tiring, it's gruesome and filled with disappointments. Filling out all those applications and hoping, and going through the nervous breaks--hopefully will eventually be worth it all by finding a job without having to go home.
Only if I have a job, things would fall into their places, at the very least I'd be able to sleep peacefully once I could manage to shut my eyes for more than a few seconds after all I have read.
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