Mistrust

I am having a difficult time understanding some of the concepts and reasoning.
I guess I just look at things way too differently.

After offering and being rejected, it hurts. So I've decided to stop offering. If you really want to, you can find the will in yourself to pursue me. Maybe that's what I did wrong. I offered and gave way too much, so now it is part of the ritual and ordinary. It no longer means anything.

I feel like I am in a rut, stuck and can't seem to get over some of the obstacles. I see myself growing paranoid, cynic and difficult to trust. There is a restless side of me that is questioning everything. I remember the days when I accepted what was told to me by the people whom I held close and dear. Their word was the word. I accepted them easily, no questioning, no wondering, I didn't look anything underneath their gestures and words. It was what it was, what it seemed to me. But, as part of the growing experience, living on this earth, you go through some stuff. Some hurt you and some do you some good, and well some that does both at the same time, although its difficult to extract that at that moment as you're going through it.

After betrayals, mistakes, hardship and wounds. The most lasting part of an experience is the wounds you receive from it. Although the experience is over, you are left with a wound and its residue. Within time, the wound heals, but scars remain pretty much for the rest of our lives. Its residue weakens at times but never fades away. It leaves its smell on you. Just when you think you've moved on, then you realize, you really haven't. The residue hits you so hard, the wound starts aching at the least moment you expect. When you think you're better, and have won the will to go on, ooop there it goes, it comes to you. The result, you become either ignorant, careless, the opposite and you turn out to be a paranoid freak.

I just want to live like the way I used to.