And the Finale

All is in vain...
All purpose has been defeated...
I guess I should of known...
Its the same path as always.
I am used to this.

Wait...today is new years eve right?

Nothing to worry...

This way things will be much better I know....

Within

Within the realms of our reality
The boundaries we have placed upon our hearts
The burdens in our minds...

We are made to confirm and live within our know it all but skewed societies
Differences are intolerable,
the self fulfilled human ego
likes to boat to those who are minimal compared to thee.

Who ever knew, we were made up individuals?
That can act differently

Are made up of meat slumps that just obeys like a robot from a futuristic novel?

We place limits
We shackle our own wings.
Within our own souls
we slowly rotten to hell
as our heart dirty with each passing day.

.........

maybe tomorrow ill have enough courage?
why am i so afraid..will i get to be with you for longer and longer?

Just when I think I have it down, and everything will begin to change and smooth over..there is something else that hits me so hard on the forehead with that I am knocked out of the game for another eternity.
Its a never ending vicious cycle. I wonder if I'll end up anywhere with these obstacles that I keep having to overcome, each and every time.

I am afraid

I am scared...maybe this is useless.

Things have been getting darker with my repulsive tiny candle light, which whimsically changes its mind to dwindle down, or light up.
giving me all sorts of different signs which makes my life harder to breathe.

I have some big decisions to make now..and big conversations to have..
hopefully it all ends well.

I have fallen in love ...at such an unexpected time. I never expected to have my own version of fairy tale. I am afraid of losing you to sillyness. i don't want your feelings to fade, for you to see me differently. Please please, let this dream continue. This reality to be hard and solid as any other reality in my life.

Mistrust

I am having a difficult time understanding some of the concepts and reasoning.
I guess I just look at things way too differently.

After offering and being rejected, it hurts. So I've decided to stop offering. If you really want to, you can find the will in yourself to pursue me. Maybe that's what I did wrong. I offered and gave way too much, so now it is part of the ritual and ordinary. It no longer means anything.

I feel like I am in a rut, stuck and can't seem to get over some of the obstacles. I see myself growing paranoid, cynic and difficult to trust. There is a restless side of me that is questioning everything. I remember the days when I accepted what was told to me by the people whom I held close and dear. Their word was the word. I accepted them easily, no questioning, no wondering, I didn't look anything underneath their gestures and words. It was what it was, what it seemed to me. But, as part of the growing experience, living on this earth, you go through some stuff. Some hurt you and some do you some good, and well some that does both at the same time, although its difficult to extract that at that moment as you're going through it.

After betrayals, mistakes, hardship and wounds. The most lasting part of an experience is the wounds you receive from it. Although the experience is over, you are left with a wound and its residue. Within time, the wound heals, but scars remain pretty much for the rest of our lives. Its residue weakens at times but never fades away. It leaves its smell on you. Just when you think you've moved on, then you realize, you really haven't. The residue hits you so hard, the wound starts aching at the least moment you expect. When you think you're better, and have won the will to go on, ooop there it goes, it comes to you. The result, you become either ignorant, careless, the opposite and you turn out to be a paranoid freak.

I just want to live like the way I used to.

anladim..herseyi cok iyianladim..bazen soylemediklerin sustuklarinla dunyayi aslinda anlatiyorsun bana...ve yapmadiklarinlada herseyin yeri belli olup, perdeler aralanip sisler kalkiyor....

who knows?

I hate to say this, but maybe I should just change paths, and end everything start a new?
Maybe its just not meant to be...
I mean considering all things, things have changed alot, and life is not not as we used to be...but there is something that holds me here with you. Ah life the grand.
you have some kind of power that I cant seem to easily be able to come over. You hold me and its painful...even the thought of leaving brings me to the brink of shattering my heart.

I just wish...maybe I am being impatient and maybe I am pushing you this way too....
who knows?
turmoil is the center of my life..how ironic? The harder I've been trying to runaway from it the harder and faster it catches up to me and holds me tighter

...please?

...Please let this be a good day...I need this desperately.

Just a bit more closeness would do wonders to my heart,
hearing those words that I have longed for eternity will
Surely deepen our bond
your touch can heal my soul, and only in the midst of this battle
Very few things seem to matter to me anymore.

Is it too much to ask?

You are my little diamond in the rough patch of earth.

ahh its so difficult to figure out what to buy for guysss, i love buying gifts but they are so difficult..

your one smile is worth the world to me.

take

Do I have what it takes?
...I am not sure..maybe I just have too many, feelings...but right now..this is good..happiness, bliss with you. Please don't go away.
stay
please see the special person I am, and see how much i care for you, how special you are to me and stay.
I hate to sound condescending and try to make you see..please see.

I Must be Crazy

I didn't write here for a few days and I went through a lot of emotions and had to do some decision making.

The result is...I haven't been able to come to a decision. As decisive as I can be...I guess there are times even when I struggle to come to a conclusion. I don't know what I am doing..I must be out of my mind..where is this comfort and calmness is coming but yet I can feel in my core that something doesn't fit right and there is a restless part of me that can hardly fall asleep at night.

The path I am going to make myself will change the flow of how I live my life for the rest of my life. Which...will inevitably either make me or come back to bite me in the ass. I should be scared and making plans, but maybe for the first time I am waiting and waiting and letting it all happen as the flow of the water falls down to the big ocean. Eventually things will find their path...isn't it how it always has been?

How long did I try to get into American University? Ever since my freshman year in highschool. But where am I? Was I ever able to achieve it? NO! Regardless of how hard I tried. And now..it doesn't even matter. It seems like that's not where I want to go. I have no plan in particular, nor do I know what is right or wrong in that sense any longer.

*Sigh* I really must be out of my mind...


Why am I doing this to myself?I know I should get out when I can. But I just can't let go. I know the end of this relationship is not going to be happy. I seem to be living for the moments of tranquil and affections which are few and rare in between. I was never this way before. I guess this is what it means to be in love. I guess this is why one must always be careful about what they wish.

The Good

There are a lot of uncertain parts to my life currently. A lot of bad things happening and very few positive. School is of course under control for the semester, but school of next semester is less than a crystal ball for a fortune teller to look at.
Things are always complicated in my life.
But, there is always him to make things better for me. Everything is absolutely gorgeous and I couldn't be happier.
If I am happy one day out of the week the rest six are spent tormenting in hell.

.......story of my life....

I keep waiting and I keep hoping...maybe I should just give up?
what is this pain in my chest
will it ever ease away
all the time the history repeats
over and over again
until no more.

life dwindles away one by one
each night becomes the battle ground
for another war with my demons

My heart swayed by the signs you light up
I am unsure what to do

just give up it will be easier less to deal with
this way ill get hurt less

maybe

Per Chance?

I hope you know how much you mean to me, how much I care about you....

Am I finally in love? Madly in love? I think so. When it comes to him, I am blinded, but there is something amiss. I know in my heart that my feelings are as real as things can get, but I am not sure if this is the type of relationship I want to have. Everything started out like a fairy tale, but things are exceedingly growing stale.
Who knew?
ah It feels like my heart is about to stop.
Everything is so confusing though. I just don't know if this is it, or if this thing is true. He seems so far away, almost like a stranger.

how is it?

How is it that, you cause my heart so much happiness, and with the sound of your name, my heart starts to beat faster, but at the same time, you cause me so much pain, and bring me to the blues?

Maybe, I did get caught up, and allow myself to get absorbed and let my feelings take charge of everything. I allowed myself to fall completely in love with you? I don't know how things got here..but I want your warmth and I desire your entire soul. But it's never enough. There has been something in the pit of my stomach, telling me there is something off. He thwarts my worries, but why do I grow worried over actions? Why does not he not call, or text? He doesn't seem to be returning the same feelings I fear.

Religious Propoganda

Yesterday night, after my last blog I told myself that I was not going to write in here for a while, until at least my work finished, but seems like there I find myself here naturally after starting my laptop.
I hate writing about this, but it upsets me so much. Its hard to hold it in. It only becomes normal to let it out through here.

So, because its Eid, people have been really flooding into my house. Which is good, shows that people respect and care about my grandparents and parents. But when you are a guest at someone elses house, people should be courteous. If you don't like their sect of religion, their life styles, then don't go there. If you feel unhappy and uncomfortable, then there is no reason to go to that person's house. If there are differences that people can't over come, obviously there are quite a few factors, and by putting each other in tight positions and distressing one another does no good for no body. Stress is bad. I think even a four year old knows this. Then why do grown ups continually create more stress in their daily lives for their own and others? Honestly makes no sense.

So, take your religious propoganda of non drinking, hair covering, body controlling, to somwhere else. If you want to talk about it, don't even show up at my door step, but if you are willing to set aside religious differences, then obviously all is welcome.
Don't tell me that because I am a female, I can no longer think for my own self, and decide for my own life choices. Don't tell me that I can't shake some other male's hand because I obviously am grown up. Its in the matter of the heart, not in physical appereance only.
Don't blame me for your own short comings in faith, and your little self discipline.
Grow some balls and be a man.

You decide

I know I should be more thankful towards everything I have. Life is difficult for everyone, but I just seem to be paying a high price for everything in my life. I am tired...

I should be concentrating on my work, and the large amount of academic work and thinking I have to accomplish by the end of this week, and I am no where near completion of those tasks. I get side tracked easily lately, which never used to happen. I am rather determined about my work. A bit of a perfectionist too. Of course there is always room for improvement.

I catch myself desperately wanting to to escape, and hide underneath my bed sheets. My mind wonders from all sorts of absurd thoughts to pretty much conspiratorial thoughts, and doom-like thoughts included.

This uncertainty is killing me. Maybe have just fall too hard, and want too much. Desire of him is so strong. My mind is always occupied by thoughts of him. I want to know everything, past, present, future. What he is thinking, what he is doing, what he is feeling. Is he drawn to me, is he attracted to me? I want to know everything. I should give it more time my mind logically explains, but my heart is hay wire, it jumps from one hypothesis to another, to premature conclusions and misleading clues that absolutely carries no meaning..well, sometimes they do. Its just the meanings are absurd, or one shouldn't be able to withdraw such meanings under such conclusions.

I kind of want to escape into this place, where...well none of this stupid drama exist.
I think I need to change a few things in my life again...
Duty calls.

There was a painting I had done, so many years ago. Must of been when I was a senior in high school or a freshman in college or so. Sounds about right. Its rather a morbid painting. In that state between wakefulness and sleep, it comes to mind. Lately, its what I've been seeing. A dark dark sky, and in the middle of the horizon, a blood red moon, with tides hovering over the moon, and a castle drawn upside down. It flashes from my very own eyes in weird, awkward moments.

Write

I want to write to my hearts content, desire, and to be able to unplug myself, without any drawbacks, any holdbacks, any chains, any stop signs.
I have been inspired but unable to write. I keep delaying and holding on. The bigger part is that I have been unable to relate to what I have been experiencing, unable to understand what I feel, and unable to unravel to myself my own inner core.
Its rather sad. When did I begin to write when I understood my own feelings, and thoughts? I wrote because I wanted to understand, because things didn't make sense nor did they add up. I wrote because I was inspired, and I had the goal to be the best writer in the world. Where has all of this gone to? I don't know. It's lost somewhere between myself, my own shortcomings, schools, work, applications amongst difficulties of the so called real life
I want to write without a care, without any restraint...again...

Bayram, Eid

For those, who are muslim, I wish you a happy Eid, or Bayram!

Parting

Parting is always difficult
with burning tears dropping down
And that sensation you get down your spine
with every little bit of your soul drowned in misery.

Time goes by quickly
without even counting it
all you are left at the airport with is
should of could of and would ofs
and you begin to ponder about regrets
that would of inevitably changed the course of action.

You try to hold on
as hard as you can
but you feel him slip
from your fingers easily
time tick tacs away
all you can do is swallow your pride
turn around and leave
and hope that
maybe..just maybe
hell stay there and watch you for a few minutes..
nay even seconds would do.

Your heart beats fast, faster than the speed of light
Your brain is flushed with all kinds of thoughts
good and bad
lonely and together
melted with your feelings
but..you never have enough courage to say it all
You always alter it, sensor it out before you let it escape from your lips.
You just want one more day to let him sleep on your bosom
to say those words that you've been waiting for what seems like to be an eternity
...for a chance to be totally in love and happy...

Nazire Cansever Dec. '08

Missing...

Is Missing....
Sometimes I just wish I knew how to really say things as they way they were, or truly understand my own feelings. I am at a loss.
I wish I did...
Its hard to understand how we develop our own feelings or the extend of them. Can they really be all that fragile, and vanish into thin air with a word, an action?
I am at a loss towards your feelings for me.
Are they real? what do you really feel? what do you really think? I wish I could get inside of your head, and know for sure...but all that I can do is just speculate and grow paranoid even more with each passing day.
When you see me, does your heart skip? Does your soul ache when we apart like mine is tormented each and every single time? Do you hold me dear and wish not to be apart from me? At least are those your thoughts of today, as of now, since we've been together.
Are we truly close? Will you share everything with me..hold on to me tight?

Of all the things happening in my life right now, this should at the very least be not in my mind, or thinking about this...at such a crucial time such as this. I have finals, last tests, projects, essays, family problems, health issues, economical crises, worrying about love and contemplating on it should at the very least be away from me, far away from me as possible.
But..tell that to my heart...it doesn't, it can't. It is unachievable.
*sigh*....
Sometimes I just wish by closing my eyes and placing a wish upon a shooting star, would make things come for me....
maybe in my dreams eh?

Ayrilik Derdinin Dermani Nedir?

Ayrılık Derdinin Dermanı Nedir Uğrum sıra giden Boz Atlı Hızır Ayrılık derdinin dermanı nedir Şu iki aleme olmuşsun nazır Ayrılık derdinin dermanı nedir Sığanmıştır ağca kolda bilekler Hak katında kabul olsun dilekler Arş yüzünde secde kılan melekler Ayrılık derdinin dermanı nedir Küseyim de ben yarime küseyim Siyah zülfün mah yüzüne asayım Kerbela'da yatan İmam Hüseyin Ayrılık derdinin dermanı nedir Hani şu dünyanın toprağı taşı Akıttım gözümden kan ile yaşı Urum illerimin Hacı Bektaş'ı Ayrılık derdinin dermanı nedir Ak saya giyinmiş incedir beli Ben pirimi gördüm tatlıdır dili Tanrı'nın arslanı Hazret-i Ali Ayrılık derdinin dermanı nedir Gıcılar da dağlar başı gıcılar Çıkmaz oldu içerimden acılar Arafat Dağı'ndan gelen hacılar Ayrılık derdinin dermanı nedir Dünyayı sorarsan bir dipsiz anbar Ali'nin yoldaşı Zülfikar Kanber Kabe'yi yaptıran Halil Peygamber Ayrılık derdinin dermanı nedir Deryanın yüzünde dönen üç gemi Yiyelim içelim sürelim demi Geminin sahibi ol Hızır Nebi Ayrılık derdinin dermanı nedir Pir Sultan Abdal'ım içtim cür'adan Okudum ağını bilmem karadan Yeri göğü cüml'alemi Yaradan Ayrılık derdinin dermanı nedir

Pir Sultan Abdal

So, this is a bit of a late news.

My head is a little clogged up lately, added with very little motivation. I am always tired, and I seem to be eating less and less, although not on purpose. It seems as though the harder I try to gain weight and get things done, the harder it has been to concentrate, do things, and gain weight. I feel, light slipping away from my very own finger tips. Its just how my body works, call it defense mechanism. Its a vicious vicious cycle. So many things to do, so little time, so much pressure and stress gets to me. On top of that, working on a restaurant does very little to me. So, I don't have as much appetite as I originally would. But because I don't eat enough, my nervous system is a wreck. I come to realize, it also makes me paranoid! Definitely puts a damper on my good happy mood.