Notebook Worms of Madison

I've created my own writer's critique group from my UW Mini Course class. So far we've only gathered once, but I am working hard on putting it together and putting it on the map of the internet. If we could get some feedback, that would be great!

Fall

The rain is incessant and my heart trembles under the vast azure sky. It's been several months and by any measurement provided via internet, I should be over, and running up and down, just resuming my life where I left it off. Has it ever been that easy for anybody?

I doubt it, enormously.  I am not going to apologize for grieving.

Blank

Broken, plastered and pasted back. Broken again and mended through sticks, stones, and gauze pads. So now, I am finding it hard to happily continue on as if nothing happened, as if there isn't this harrowing hollow in the middle of my chest that awakens me in my deep sleep, in cold sweat and dulls out the lustre of all my passions, colors and words.

Education First

Here we are. One of the reasons why I adore and respect the parents of the children I am watching are their admiration of Education and their philosophy on being kid, but stern with their children.

The couple is made up of two amazing individuals who are hard workers, caring and respectful of others. They care immensely for their two children and worry about the future they could give them. In preparation, they take great care over their children's studies, cognitive development and learning through every day is the paradigm they have accepted. They have a large library devoted to children disciplining, children psychology, children education recommendations and such.

They cannot watch T.V. more than two hours a week, they can't be anything that is violent, repressed, oppressed or enhances the stratification between two genders.

They are taught to be always kind, respectful and to think for themselves. They are courteous and good hearted children.

What more could I ask?

Childcare Costs

Now that I have become a nanny and spend a lot of time with kids, I've come to appreciate stay at home moms, kindergarten teachers, other child care providers. I have to say, it is hard work. Although working with kids is enormously monumental and rewarding, it is also just as much frustrating, charting new territories. No matter how much you've got theoretical knowledge, and in most cases even practical experience, each child is difference and things vary from baby to baby, child to child. I believe that care providers deserve each penny they receive. But should this be the only choice families have for their children? Either stay at home, watch your children or have a big portion of pay check go directly to child care alone.

Governments, especially the U.S. government invests a lot of time and money in preventing access to birth control, free perinatal care, and banning abortion--something which women have used for centuries. Children are precious and each one of them is a miracle. However, taking care of children takes more than just a miracle here and there. So giving birth alone doesn't ensure the rights of a fetus/baby. Allowing said baby to flourish, grow, and become independent, individuals that had every opportunity to thrive and become his or her own person. This requires education and money. Also, a lot of help. When government turns its back on childcare, it does great disservice to families who are continuing on the next generation, however receive no help from others.

Article

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I guess I am a bit more handier than she is as I do like throw pillows, layering and cook from scratch for most of the meals. Whenever I go back and read some of my older posts though, I become more depressed then I usually am. It's really awful, but it's the truth. No wonder why my blog is not picking up. There is nothing of tidbits, hints, and some good advice that people usually get on blogs for. I am more depressed then when I began today.

TESOL TEACHING

As our lives changed with us meeting with one another, so our lives changed once more when we decided to get married and yet once more we found our lives at a turning point when we realized we could not stay here as long as we first planned to. Since then S and I have been thinking about what different things we could be doing, and how things would turn out when we go. What kind of a life could we expect and more importantly, what could I expect to be doing, earning life?

One of our options seems to be English Teaching. As far as my research goes, the jobs are plenty right now and the pay isn't great, but it definitely is decent. It seems that gaining your certificate is possible quite easily for anyone who has a Bachelor's Degree.

So, it's time to wander in my options and see what kind of a world is out there.

Dreams and Nightmare.

And here we are, another day, another entry, and all I can do is look back, reminiscence and continue to trap myself further. Further into darkness, shattered hopes and the lost chance of achieving dreams. Dreams that have turned into a nightmare. There is a fine line between achieving dreams, and ruining them into nightmares.

I feel emptied out, and no longer with a sense of purpose and the once knowledge of knowing what it is that I was supposed to do in life, no longer arming me, I feel limp, left out and useless. Empty barrel, with all the oil pulled out of it, now no longer to anyone's use, because there is rust covering most of the surface.

I feel betrayed my own sense of equality, principles and not being able to claim myself as honest, it feels like the end of the world.

Dreams have turned into nightmare.

Autumnal Equinox

Happy Autumnal Equinox everyone!

Enjoy your nights getting longer and relearning to navigate through the dark, long and usually extremely busy nights.

For me, Autumn is the formal writing season, where I am able to tap onto my creative channels and produce several stories, poems and do some revisions ( I never do enough of  these).

Not to mention I love anything pumpkin and Halloween related! Fall, here I come!

Halloween Decorations

Hehe, I bought the cutest, cheapest Halloween Decorations available. I didn't go overboard, but its simple, without a particular theme, just pure Halloween Happiness.

Times like these, I adore Target. Their little dollar boxes, and affordable pieces throughout the store, makes my world go around.

Children

Children fascinate me. As long as I could remember they have been a soft spot of curiosity for me. Being the oldest grandchild of grandparents who has 5 children, all of which have their own children. As you can figure, I grew up among lots of babies and children. There were continually a new addition to our ever growing family.

Had I married much younger, early 20s, rather than mid 20s, I probably would have had children right away. Maybe its the feeling of infallibility youth gives you, maybe it's the blindness to the hard facts we get accustomed to as we age. But now, having a child seems like such a big commitment, I don't know if I'll ever made that decision.

Lack of Motivation.

So why did we all of this, go through these procedures, pain, and shame if we were eventually just going to give up? Counterproductive, I know. But I just can't help myself feeling resentful towards this lack of motivation to change our lives.

It's easy to say that a better life awaits us at ____ fill in the blanks. It may well could. I am not debating that. There is always that possibility. But why ruin the chance and the opportunity we were given and had worked so hard to keep until now? Packing up and moving, doesn't necessarily immediately create a fresh beginning, even if it does at all. As you take your body and history, along with your mind, same patterns emerge anywhere. Sure, our environment also affects us, I also am not arguing that. Change of scenery is essential for any person. We have this, we have our resources, so why give up?

House to Home

Granted, we still haven't actually bought a house, though we have moved to a beautiful new apartment. Though I've tried my best, it's still not warm enough and homey enough as I would have liked. This isn't to say that it isn't homey. I just currently feel so run down and cold, with such negative feelings festering in my soul towards life, my husband and myself that I am finding hard to making fuzzy curtains and warm curry.

Time...Time..Time...When will it be the time?

Survival

I realize I have a lot of disappointment, rage and sadness that weighs heavily. In return, I am constipated by these emotions that utterly leave me a senile, panicking, frustrated adult. I can't find my usual release by writing (let's be real, I am not doing enough of introspection to get that). World has come to a stop, because I am purely trying to breathe, nothing else. No world theories, no interest in politics, or even news in that matter. No philosophy theories to learn and chew out. Feminist readings have come to a halt.

Survival just takes so much energy, any kind of pleasure has to be put on hold. I am tired of living in such an exhausted state.

Persistence

Problems often originate from multiple sources and only compound overtime. That's really just how things work. Usually, even multiple, they are small, no one wants to bring up minuscule problems, because then we would be clingy. Where is the understanding and tolerance we often speak about and read in articles? Sometimes we believe things will smooth over time. Usually they never do, or we run out of patience before they do. Sometimes the other person is oblivious to what it is he or she is doing wrong.

Problems persists in one way or another. The problems can be interchangeably used here. One problem will be solved and soon enough, there will be another, whether something that arises out of circumstances, changes, or personal history. Or, any other category.

Life has been about persistence for me. Persistence to survive, persistent depression that perennially assaults me, persistence of heart break, persistence to play puzzle with my life. It's always being brought to a blank canvas in the middle of a puzzle, I am sometimes enjoying, somethings dragging myself through. No matter.

So persistence to be aware, to be diligent and to allow time to sink in issues and problems. What else is there anyone can do?

Deconstruction

Deconstruction of our old apartment has begun. Since early September the premises of the complex were fenced, a lot of different kinds of demolishing machines were brought in and everything from the apartments were moved out, one by one. They didn't demolish the whole thing at once, I don't know the reasons behind it, but piece by piece it seems they'll do it. I wonder how long it will take to take all that debris out of there, start the base for a new construction and if they will actually have construction this winter.

To be honest, it feels like both a relief, a physical way to get over the past and at the same time, makes my stomach a little queasy. It's a relief because everything S has related to the past four years of his life, has been tarnished, torn down and destroyed with the destruction of the building. It's a clean, clear physical manifestation of moving on, closing one chapter and opening another. On the next hand, I am queasy because, my own memories with S in that house are also physically now demolished.

I guess you really can't have your pie and eat it too.

Blogging

I've been blogging certainly quite a bit with my new critique group. I am happy to see it some what established with one member and me doing a lot of writing. I feel this is good ground work that will allow all writers to have general increasing interest in the group and to be able to learn from the group.

Rewards

Today isn't particularly great either. It's better than the other day, that's definite.

I've signed up for some U.W. Mini Courses and I am excited to be taking them. I am so excited that I will be getting some treats from an online site. It's important to sometimes pause, live, exhale and then reward one's self incrementally and in a very small scale that it's infinitesimal on the budget.

So, this is me, trying to appreciate everything else that is going around and in my body, in my life, and in my mind.

Most days still feel bleak and are empty emotionally. Or if it's not empty, it's because I am rehashing through old feelings and writing about them in short story or poetry forms. It is not particularly doing so well on my mental and emotional state, though it is definitely helping me in getting through some problems and allowing me to understand others. It's definitely allowing me to get to the root of some of the problems.

I've been working hard. Whether it's at home, at my career, or with myself, it's been a productive month that's returning to some sort of stability that is allowing me to function. Fulfillment and happiness are always the objective at hand, but sometimes striving for functionality is my only way out.

Fated Day 3

It's the monthversary of that day again. There still hasn't been a chance, except that I continue to cry and usually don't let S know about my sadness regarding this event. We've talked about it a thousand times, we've cried over it and have  quietly sat there, looking at each other, trying to find comfort in each others' souls, nestled up to one another.

It's dreary and painful. I drag myself throughout the day and at night, as I am sitting down for the day, having finished nannying, my long list of things to do, finished cooking, cleaning, and made through a batch of dessert to finally unwind, and it hits harder than usual. It's painful enough to disable any kind of thought, emotion and the shame burns deep, red and redder than before, with rage surmounting and sorrow reaching its pinnacle.

I no longer know how to quell anything within me.

Emotional

And somedays are simply bad. There is absolutely nothing that could be done about those. For one reason over another, one gets emotional, sensitive and tends to turn on the water works a bit too much, too often and too early. And it will eventually blow over until whatever the lying cause is somehow fixed, handled or it too passes away with the whim of a wind.

It's one of those days. I am hyper sensitive, anything anyone says could offend me, and the smallest slights, I perceive to be personal and take wound to everything in my peripheral vision.

I just want today to be over.

Nanny

I can't imagine what it must be like a working parent. I can assume it is difficult, I can see that much, it's frustrating because you just never get enough time for yourself, there is always someone requiring attention from you and there is something innate within you that you'd like to give more than asked. I see this in parents all around. Also, the working parent is always sad, because while they want to enjoy their careers, progress steadily, they always feel guilty for leaving their children behind under someone else's care.

So I can't even begin to imagine what it must feel like leaving your children behind, to a nanny sometimes with as little information as just a resume. The terrible things that might go through the mind of one parent, the worries of the partner and the child's own imaginings, fears, and the desire to be with the parent rather than with one's nanny. Who could blame them?

Menstruation

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Disney

They are also not allowed to watch movies that are discriminatory in general, but specifically in gender, ethnicity and culture. They want to raise culturally aware children that are fair, and gain kind tendencies towards everyone and a broad definition of humanity. They are taught to think for themselves, analyze and question the ongoings of society, and are taught not to think of themselves as victims and hopeless. They are taught they always have options and hope to get through any kind of difficulty, without losing their ability to be kind.

They are encouraged more for their mental capacities and their ability to calmly handle theirselves, adapt and engage in the world in a more meaningful way than their sweetness and physical looks.

No Gun or Violence Policy

The kids I nanny are wonderful children who are kind and usually well behaved, if any, very little spoiled by parents, grandparents but loved bountiful.

I love the idea that their parents have installed no violence and gun policy. That means kids cannot play with guns, watch violent movies or engage in violent behavior themselves.

Kids will be kids and some of them, some of the time will be violent, will aspire to be violent and have interest in violence, guns and the whole gang. But it's a great way to curb them and create awareness in children at a young age to limit their exposure.

Play Time

Also, somewhere along the day if the kiddies get full, uninterrupted 30 minute play time, to use however they like, with lots of stimulation and physical activity, they seem to be falling asleep much better, they're less cranky and take out their frustration much easily by just playing it out, instead of giving me an attitude.

They complain less about their homework if they get the time to play and are more inclined to behave as they feel like they're getting their way. Play time it is, kiddos!

Homework

As a child and most of my student years, I hated the idea of homework. Why was it necessary to begin with? But as I grew up and learned, and experiemented I realized when done not in an overhwhelming capacity and that is over abundant it can be helpful. It keeps the student, at the very least, me focused in the work enough, allows me to invest my time and create a bond between the class and myself.

I realize children hate this and I obviously having no children of my own and not having any kind of degree, expertise or any other kind of credentials in the matter, my opinion means very little, if any.

However, I love the idea that the children have homework, even if the school has not started and they are still on Summer vacation. 30 minutes a day, broken up into 10 minute chunks.

What a wonderful idea.

Pinney Library

Since I've been baby sitting, I've been introduced to the Pinney Branch of Madison Public Library. It's tiny, with a great staff that is very children friendly. They have a great children's section, with costumes, games geared towards children only and wonderfully infromed staff that always seems to be in a good mood. It's a great place to catch up on writing, reading and take the kiddies to reinstate what they learn at home.

Looking Back

August is out and September is in. Fall doesn't seem to be really settling in yet. It's the transitions that are the most painful it seems. Still we are having fall outs of having newly moved to an apartment, my procedure and built up anxiety over the past. Sometimes to the point of over talking it.

Students are fully back in, parties are everywhere, coffee shops are crowded with laptops, charger cables, books, highlighters and lots of red, BUCKY shirts, sweatshirts and hats. There is some sort of peace that's buzzying mightily behind everyone's ears and inside their veins that's pushing everyone to congregate to study, to party, to misbehave and to fall in love.

Summer technically isn't over yet, and it sure does feel summer, though my mind is confused as it should be Fall and I am looking forward to fall this year.

My job as a nanny is going well. I've just begun getting used to the children, learning their quirks, personalities enough to know how to behave in order to follow the rules and also keep them happy. Compromises.

It's hard though. I've always understood mothers, their difficulties and trials, by observing, by reading and trying to put myself in their shoes. But this job as a nanny has opened my eyes wide and I am totally awake to the truth, the reality of being a mother, without being a mother. But when you become a nanny as a full time, spending about 10 hours a day with these children and trying to get house chores and hobbies and a job, it is so frustrating. Children, being their own beings and don't particularly follow up on rules all the times, simply because they're tired, sick, sad, not feeling well, whatever the reason may be, just like an adult.

We're settling in, seeing that moving in doesnt solve all problems and that we have ways to go. I definitely need to learn to exercise my anger and frustration of all the events that have culminated within my vassal.

Autumn Decorations

I was at Target today. Although the weather is warm and looks anything but like Fall, Autumn Decorations are here, from mini Halloween Samples to some Thanksgiving Day ones. Lots of reds, yellows, oranges, and browns. There is something about the Fall that makes me so very happy, giddy, contemplative and productive. There is a current that stirs around me and I just can't help but feel optimistic and wonderful.

I've bought one or two very cheap pieces and coming home with them on the bus was a bliss. It's even a bigger happiness to place them somewhere visible. It's like the Heaven's are smiling at me.

To peaceful and lovely Autumn Evenings.

Labor Day

Happy Labor Day America.