For the Mistakes of the Past

Eventually, you learn to get up, dust off, gather whatever is left unbroken, untouched--that itself, might be the biggest journey you have to make--pack it up, make a new home, somewhere, somehow, along the way, learning to mend all the same wounds you've once dressed secretly on your soul. Shameless!
Then you learn to forget, even if momentarily. Learn to forgive. Learn to move on, even if you do it grudgingly. Even if you come to never forgive yourself. Just forgive yourself enough to continue on to repent for the mistakes of the past.

Then, live. Each day. Sometimes, waking up enough. That's all you can do. That's all you can ask of yourself. Next day, just try going to bed. Even if late. Try. One day, you'll be able to look at that list of yours and see which one needs crossing off next, even as you hate everything about yourself in the past.

A Breath of Relief

Now that our decision has been made, I feel a breath of relief. Even the tension on my shoulders have eased off. It's not to say there aren't challenges still, on the contrary there are many. There will continue to be even more. We have to get ready for a super expedited engagement. We have to consider what this means, how this will affect us, and the next group of steps. Considering that we have expatiated about this conversation so much though, I do feel we are prepared. We've got our list and we're equipped with the essential knowledge to tackle those pesky problems.

While there is one persistent problem that I am still not sure about how to go on handling. I dislike people who try to drive a wedge between any two people. I despise people who try to come in between two people who have a close bond of love, respect and commitment. It's unprofessional, petty and desperate. It is true that since that time in September, S and I have extensively talked about this, our emotions have poured, sometimes culminating in a verbal disagreement that ended up wounding us for the worst. There is little to nothing he could now do about what he did in his past. Unfortunately, he missed the window of opportunity to solve this problem without me learning about it. Now that I have been so thoroughly illuminated, I would love some shadowed crooks to hide my pride and soul in. Regardless though, there is very little I can do about the things I've learned and in returned how they make me feel. Just because they are in the past, does not mean people cannot be held accountable for them and does not take away their power to make me hurt or damage our relationship. Though it does bring us to a fork. 1) I suck up, learn to deal with and then move on. 2) I reevaluate everything we've been through, talk, reassess and move on to a future, separate from S. I've realized number two is not an option, because, I cannot imagine my life without S. I cannot imagine living through everyday, without waking up next to him. I definitely don't want to go to bed without him. So that leaves me with number one. It's going to take time to move on though. Until then, I am going to have to learn to be calmer, and S is going to have to be more patient. To be frank, I don't know how much more a person could be patient is impossible.

But words have power in them. Considering we talked about this in length over a long period of time, thoroughly, into the first days of the morning, we're aware of the problem. We've come to a decision of being married, and even set up a date to take the first step in this journey. Knowing that our future is safer, more secure is powerful. It's powerful to know that I know what exactly S think, has thought and had felt towards this particular problem. It's powerful to know what he is going to do and what he values most. It's a relief to know that he won't bow down and is willing to change. It's powerful to see the transformation in him. For all that, I'm taking a deep breath of relief to a more peaceful future.

Keep Digging

You have to keep digging, until you find what you want to find...the gold, the silver, the emerald, the lost love, irretrievable respect, haunted soul or mistaken heart.

But never forget, no matter what, how hard, how deep you dig, sometimes, you'll only be descending into madness, with each stroke, for there is no greater blasphemy then the one you've committed and the Gods Above have decided that you shall slowly whither away, by your own hands and the unquestionable conscious you've once possessed.

Heavens, Forgive Me

Sighing, my chest heaves heavily. Heavens, I ask, forgive me, for I have gravely sinned. The worst of it all, the sin I've committed treacherously is to my own soul, to my own flesh and to my own heart, wounding my own pride. I've forever blacked my heart, with traces that shall always slap my face, at every turn. How shall I ever continue to dreading the night, numbing the day for years on, and into the stretch of eternity in purgatory? I'll always be living with the mistakes, right here, under my skin.

Open Letter

Well, I realize you'd like the world to be different, yourself to be different. I know you wish you could have done things differently, and had chosen a different time to be born, a different country to be born in. A different education path to be chosen, wildly different career path to be followed.

I know, I understand. I realize you wish that your passive-aggressiveness just went away one morning idly, as you sipped your morning coffee. The action verbs you tell your students about, you wish you could take the action in your life too. You wonder what it would be like to hold your own destiny in between your two palms, even if for one night. You wish that for once, the niceties you put on for the male sex, paid off with sex...once, without begging, without manipulating, without pushing, without playing the power card you've somehow managed to hold over someone else's head. You regret all the chances you waited out for too long.

You want to be seen, to be recognized, to be fully understood and touched, to be desired, to be loved, entirely, as a woman, as a person, as an intellectual being. It's usually all others, but being recognized as a woman, as a sexual being. Ah, the always denied part of yourself that now drives you off the walls. It lets you humiliate, embarrass yourself. Repeatedly. Sinking to new lows, daily.

I understand and really, I do forgive you. The question is, can you?

Fire Works

It's a little ironic that sometimes all it takes is to make a big decision and to announce it for the big fire works to explode in your hands.

How ridiculous is it that some people's ecstasy is ruining any kind of big, happy moment for anyone. I've always found it odd, but perhaps understandable, for some...I guess such things will never change. It's not dependent on your origin of country, religion, political choice, sexual orientation, sexual identity, gender, socio-economic background. It's purely dependent on what kind of a person you choose to be. They're everywhere.

But, I understand. Sometimes, in the void that we are in, where everything feels like it's being torn from our hands, everything we've slowly cultivated over the past five years, regardless of the pressures we've put in, the position of power we've had to sway our victims...did we just work this hard, for this long, for someone else to come in and take the position we desired to be in? We worked tooth and nail to be in? And even when the person usually isn't manipulative, depressed and desperate, I still understand.

Because sometimes, you're so bitter, life has been so unfair that you just can't control your reaction in that split second which as the words roll out of your mouth, it's like you're watching yourself on a movie screen and regretting every syllable that makes out of your mouth. It happens, after all, isn't someone's happiness in fact, the cause of someone else's misery?

Our Decision is Made

We had a long talk yesterday night. A very long talk. Eventually, we have come to the decision that, we want to get married. The past eight months have been a blessing and a whirlwind. I've never felt exposed, interfered and vulnerable as I have in these past eight months. I also can confidently say that my heart has stretched bigger, grown fonder and has learned to love gently, without abusing, without hurting, crushing and to love kindly, maturely. A confidence has been inserted and the ability to accomplish and do this, to be fierce, to be strong, to be more determined has been implanted. I've been stronger with you then without--needless to say, you've spoiled me much. Some of the things I used to do on my own, now with you, have transferred over to you. Things no one has ever done for me, things only a select few people in my life, such as parents have done for me. But certainly, my list of things to do has never diminished, instead has increased now. Making up for the things I no longer have to do, like taking out the trash, opening a jar of pickles, reaching higher up in the cabinets, unplugging the toilet or the drain. Carrying heavy luggage...the list is infinite and so has my responsibilities.

Interference is bothersome, rude, immature and plain evil, simply. But I don't remember succumbing to such things. So we've made a promise to be together, to love, to respect and to support. Also, to walk over hurdles, unwavering with certainty. So, this too shall pass.

The big news is that, as we've come to this decision, we've decided to get engaged and do the traditional Turkish ceremony during the time we've set aside to visit my parents in Rochester. News will be all around and will shock those living in Rochester--though I doubt that they'll give a rat's ass.

There you go readers, I will be an engaged person come January!