First Snow of the Season

On Wednesday, the first snow flakes of the season fell pretty rapidly, fluidly and for a long time. Only it was too wet to accumulate down here in Madison, where it's warmer in comparison to the rest of Wisconsin.

It snowed and strings of my heart were touched and they sang the same old melancholy song for one more time, but a little bit more profoundly alone this time. A little bit more discouraged, a little less hopeful and still resisting to give in, still fighting for that time just around the corner that I've been waiting for a long stretch of time...to my credulity. Let's face it, no matter what I do, it will never get better. It's just the psyche and fate of humanity. While some things might look better, feel better, I will never actually be better than what I am today. On the other hand, I am not arguing that I am at the apex of my self growth, quite contrarily. Though my growth will continue to be retarded by life's never ending circumstances until my nerves one day quite decidedly agree to give up on me collectively, leaving me bedridden and clinically in depression, perhaps with a shattered mind, with my memories wiped out.  I might have a more positive and closer affinity with fiscal monetary seasons, I might become more secure after safely landing a career oriented job. I might age slower and continue to look a long younger than my age. I might gain a few pounds. I might live in a bigger apartment, with better materialistic things surrounding and meeting my necessities, even beyond the essential requirements. But I will never be able to let go of the past, these hounds of my past immorality and the never ending darkness that keeps gnawing at my soul. The secrets I shouldn't hear, the things I shouldn't see.

It snowed, impure. It wasn't a full round snow flake, white and pure, advent of a season of carnival. It was tarnished, watered down like soup, with much of the content and the core missing, snowing just because someone told it to snow. Perhaps, God decided it was time, hence we barely had any rain this fall. It only served the purpose of wetting the ground and reminding me of the momentum I lost while selling my soul to the devil to earn a few bucks to earn a living, not even comfort, quite pathetic, isn't it?

But I can't help it...I feel so dried up, so fed up, hardly have any energy left to keep going.