Dreams

Waking up early is one thing I've accomplished today. It's better than nothing done at all perhaps. But it isn't as early as I would have liked to woke up. Nonetheless we (I) need little things to keep my motivation going as it's quite low recently for I've been overwhelmed constantly trying to struggle through life. I've decided I've had it enough, but still, there is very few I could actually do about it and this waiting period is killing me. Each hair is on it's end.

I miss the nights were I could dream, dream endless things from personal future, to other strange things that sparks my imagination to create my stories and the world of imagination that keeps me hoping striving. But I've been unable to make up any stories in my head regarding any one. Not the crazy ones where there are supernatural ones, not the ones about people in the deep forests or sandy corners of the earth, literally scraping through to survive, trying to fight against all odds in their own sickened, disabled, diseased and powerless states of personhood in the eyes of their governments. No stories about college students trying to make it big, or how love happened to bring two people together, unrealistically. My own future..well, seems quite bleak to me, with not much that I seem to be able to dream or think about. I don't know whether it's because I've used my imaginative juices for a while and they need a rest or it's because of the mild depression I'm going through. It's not good, I used to be able to picture myself in so many different scenarios, in so many different shoes, different homes, different friends, with some of the old and the dreams that are as different as day and night, living through them through those very vivid and out there imaginations of mine that would usually seep out through my mind at night as I would lay to sleep and when I walk around alone at night, in the silent streets that screams of middle class America boredom roams through.

My dreams are rare, and when they do happen to visit me, it's short, brief, confusing and I usually have been forgetting even a bigger chunk of the very few seconds and leaving me one image that is either too scary to think about, or the remaining image is too insipid where I can't make anything out of it.

So I've lost all of those dreams of what I wanted to do, what I wanted to become, what I wanted to change...I mean the big ones remain as to what I would like to do in the gist of my life (publish, help women around the world to gain their voices both in their governments and within their personal lives) but I have no other dreams left than that. No other personal dreams have been collecting dust in my mind. It's a blank...