Walls

Walls are sometimes great and other times, at best are oppressive. Sometimes we seek the safety of the four walls so we can hide from the others and even ourselves--anything we deem as dangerous or that can hurt us we wish to leave it outside of our own four walls. It can be our great sanctuaries; where we can be anyone we want to be. Filled with things that makes us:us, the things we love, adore, objectify, worship and find worthy enough to place in between our own four walls.

The other times though, it can be our prison, forever guarding us from the outside world, containing us within as we move on through life as watches only, instead of participants. There is a great deal of difference when you live your life as a watcher versus a participant. Sometimes we lock ourselves within our own four walls, staring out of our windows as we would through prison bars. We only get to look at the partial picture, we let our fear, our wounds define and dictate us. At the end, we might protect ourselves, unfortunately as much as we've done we also hurt ourselves from the countless things we miss on and the opportunities, people we close ourselves off to.

I don't remember how long it has been since I stepped a foot out of this apartment. I don't remember looking out of the window. It hurts to look, to think, to desire. The consequences are so dire and I fear everything. It seems there is no consolation to this problem. However, my head hurts. It feels like my veins will pop out blood will be oozing out of my ears. Though my desire to be outside, to be doing all the things I am not doing. To have this weight off my shoulders. Yes, that's what I wish, and in the most possible safest, scratch-free possible way. I want to feel the sun on my skin and I want to run on the green grass and watch the moon rise to it's Zenith on a Saturday night. I want to hear the waves crash against a shore, somewhere far away from here, anywhere but here really.

My only consolation is that I am getting a lot of work done. That is all.