Salvaging

It feels like, my whole life I've been trying to catch up; catch up to IQ numbers, to classes I've taken, number of books I've read, catching up to job experiences, volunteering and patching up everything that's been getting destroyed in the process of life. Patching up and salvaging my day, my week, my month and year. The lost empathy and my ability to sympathize with people, my credulity, my beliefs, my very torn heart.  I am afraid it takes a lot for me to feel on an emotional level. I used to get all these impulses urges, feelings, constantly...now, where are they? Well, unfortunately either lost somewhere and it's going to be a long time before they return or they've permanently have abandoned me.

At the end, does resilience pay off? Is it worth it? To keep chasing after it, trying to improve, to chase all of these things into the end of eternity before it reverts back and starts over to come into the possession of values and things I deem significant and a must own? Or, is this some sort of sign, a reason to let go and try my hand at something new?