Cost of Freedom

It's an awfully awkward topic to think about kind of early in the morning, but my head is full and my heart has profoundly grown, stretched and there is so much in there that I am having difficulty catching up,sifting, sorting and understanding what it is that I am feeling and what's going on in there. There are a lot of misleading changes and things that even surprise me, as shocking as that sounds to me. I've always thought I've got myself figured out pretty well. This inability to recognize all of me, all of my emotions and the new reactions I've been giving to things, the new perspective I've seem to adapt formally and without cognizance has lead me to believe that I am in transitional and in an experimenting phase.

I guess I've just went off on another tangent. Freedom, the ability to do what you want, when you want and not have to report back to someone or justify your actions or thoughts to someone else is a Freedom most of us don't know the taste of. As most of us live with other people and there are other people we are bound by responsibility or the affection of love, perhaps even familial bonds which require us to inform them.

To change around, to stay out late, to be free from judgement and to reason to stay at a bar a little longer, or to get out of an environment as you like and wish...When attached these things come to hinder us in the small ways we've all learned to cope with (I shouldn't say all, as I seem to still have a problem with this).

Being alone doesn't bother me as much as it bothers other and in order to pay the price of that freedom in small and sometimes larger scales (that I find essential to growth, understanding and also so very addicting) that I've lost a good chunk of my patience and tolerance for people's stupidity and their problems. A lot of the problems people go through (no surprise there, as one should know from their own life) but I've seem to care a lot less about it, so therefore we can deduct that I've lost my ability to sympathize. Does that make me less human? Does that make me a less of a good person? These questions await their answers just like everything else in my life.

But I like having to wake up without having to explain and without having to rationalize the way I think, the way I feel, the way I do things and arrange them, what I tend to do with my time. I like having to start to clean-slate day with already things I'm itching to do (for example, writing this blog and the reorganizing of my library) and having the freedom to do what I want in the time, where I go and whether or not if I'd like to tag along to someone else. It's great to be with friends whom you love and can have a good time. It's great to be able to have that person(s) to share what is in your heart and mind, the things you discover along the bike path, a new coffee shop, a new lake where your heart seems to soar. People fall into loneliness if that can't be done and I wasn't always this way. A younger version of me was very eager to have as many friends as possible, to surround herself with all the right kinds of people and spend every night with some friend, somewhere. Sure, I miss family and friends and love having a good time with a small group of my friends as the next person. I've never thought I was that different and anti-social. I don't think I am. However, alone time, quiet time, time to myself, time to be me, seems like a far greater treat than constantly being in the presence of others. I like being able to discover by myself all that much more and when the time comes to revisit that place once again with the people that matter to me.