Why can't I stop thinking

And I've came down to the same path. It's the same as always. I think this one's a dream that will never come true, regardless of how much I want it.
I wish, and from the bottom of my heart that he had kept this promise. I wish things went smoothly all the time and we were at the point hoped to be at, maybe even further.
I wish interaction had been connected when said.
My only conclusion is that thoughts and feelings are changed, which caused status to change, as a result promise broken, action not taken.
Ah..how I wonder and wish...
I really do hope before the flesh appears before me, I'll get the chance to, and that words will be spoken clearly even before that.

Wait Patiently

......................................................

Evil Sleep

And so, I have slept pretty much all day today exception of a few hours which I concluded some of my errands.
Rather a bold move for someone who has just moved out to live on her own and has a billion of things to do.

*Sigh* Well tomorrow, Shall be a good day where I shall get everything I needed to get done. :)

Happiness...this time around I feverishly hope that will last longer and continue to grow sincere.

Glitters of Hope

And once in a while, life shows small glitters of hope, a signal for a change for the better, a momentum which makes you feel, alive again.
You become all so familiar with the feelings of desperation, misery, pity, weakness, sadness, wallowing, and the feeling of being at the bottom of a dark, lonely well. Maybe, too well. You are no longer acquainted but rather familiars.
Heart memorizes the pain, your soul reckons that feeling, the loneliness is carved so deep into your mind, that darkness is burned into every single inch, cell of you.
So, when the moment of a bit of light occurs, its nearly impossible to not: question, grow suspicious, and even paranoid. Moments like these flee away, and anything and everything can possibly change this situation. But, you've held onto darkness for so long, it feels good to be out in the light again. You never want to lose it, you never want to be in that darkness, so you hopelessly cling on to the light with more desperation than you had in the darkness. More desperation to the point of going insane, madness, and helplessness.
But, life is rather cruel and we humans are pawns under the hand of the God. In the most unexpected moment, we fall to a never ending, bottomless dark pit once again to long for the light and for an opportunity to shine on us.
This time, I hope, my light shines brighter for a longer period of time..so I can remember how to smile once again.

I've seen small sparkles of hope, small glitters of dreams shine through again in this time of dark time.
Maybe..I can make out of this one too?
Wouldn't that be grand?

Day 1

Starting tomorrow, I have quite a bit of things to accomplish. First, I have to open up a bank account in here, secondly I have to pay my rent and my phone bill, slowly start shopping for my apartment and finally moving in.
Then actually well real work begins then.

Well, right now, I could say I am happy. Things have been pretty well since I came here. I am just hoping and feverishly praying that it continues like this and only gets better.

first step

First step of a new life maybe?

I wish I could of heard those words without these circumstances

sen

you're a loser
and i feel like i am wasting my time with you.
youll never understand
why do i even care

Is this it?

Is this fast, or slow?
I've been waiting for this day for a long time, maybe the last half of my life ever since I entered high school.

It's been so long, and now that it's here. I feel myself hesitating.
My dream, just came and knocked on my door, and now I am left with uneasy feelings. My own purpose is shaken, my belief a little shattered to speak honestly.

There are so many things going through my mind, and this is probably my one in a life time chance. This is it...and I have to take this opportunity and make miracles out of it as an output result. It's just like David Easton's "System's Equation" with the input such as demands, and public opinion, as input, output as policies, and in the feedback look, public opinion. Which can change depending on, no reply to input, negative reply, or a positive reply. My output however, must be significant to all those who have sacrificed quite a few things for my sake.

But I am still missing one thing, and there are things I will be leaving behind. Next fall, shall be my goal and achieve for even better...

I feel like from now on things will be getting better.

bad day...

My heart is heavy, beyond imagination.
My soul is sad, beyond my understanding.

I never wanted things to be this way. I feel like I am going to break into tiny sharp pieces, and with these last regrets, I will make a necklace to of malice, broken red strings for the rest of my life. And unfortunately, I see beauty even in that dark malice.

I wanted to leave happily, in a state where I feel as though I've grown, and with eyes that had hope glittered in them. My ever so good relations with my mother, are sour, and on the rocks.

There is this feeling inside that I cant escape.

I want things to change, I want things to be better.

Its broken, and when something is broken, I know better than anyone that its impossible to recover it the way it was before.

I wish, I wasn't leaving on these terms.

Sad, sad, sad, sadness.

My heart is heavy beyond imagination.

There is this weight right on my chest. Breathing is hard, and don't even imagine about happiness. (side note, personal, romantically it's a different story. Everything is more superb than I could of imagined)

There seems to be evil, darkness, and no way out of it. It's luring. Too luring maybe.
I can't get out of it.
Nothing really makes me happy, and I have this awkward feeling, and this bad taste in my mouth.

I hope things will end well

Today

Nothing really matters anymore.
Moving away doesn't hold any purposes or merits.
School seems more like a joke.
I feel the very essence of my soul has rotten to hell, and everything taken away from me.
I feel as though I stand before life, humanity and world, barren, naked, defeated with no purpose, neither a ray of hope.
My spirit sucked right out from my heart.
My dreams seem so distant now, once I held so dear and close, and admired about great dreams,...cold its cold.

Back then I used to believe I had everything. I believed I was lucky till my bone marrow, and nothing bad could ever happen to me, even if it did, I would manage some how without many scrapes.

Well, as you grow up, you learn and life brings you to order and brings you to your knees. Even though you manage to survive the bad things, you cant end up managing without scrapes. You only manage through deep, deep, wounds that has penetrated into your soul, filthy your memories you cant seem to cleanse yourself of.

My eyes shined bright and I dared to dream, and even so I was courageous enough to dream big. I believed in my soul, and I had faith in myself, that I was going to be able to accomplish it all and not let ever anything stand in my way. I had enough guts to say that I will never change, and I will never lose that brightness in my eyes. I was brave enough to say I will never get knocked down. I was stubborn and my will was iron. With that determination, I managed to knock alot of things out of my way, and continue to progress....Until it all caught up with me.

I used to believe I was special, I stood aside, and stood tall with that pride of mine.

Where has all of that gone now?

I feel like life robbed me all of them, and my ideals. This is the exact reason why, I no longer have a home.

maybe, someday, I can regain them?

...a little exploration

Why do I feel so sad, so unhappy, so hopeless, so melancholic today?
Today was a doom from the beginning.
What is this uneasy feeling since yesterday that I have carried around on my heart that relentlessly has haunted me to this very moment...and still continues to do so.

Right when everything was going good to an extent, these phobias, fears and paranoia mixed with sadness and worries creeping from?

I am unsure...Will I ever feel safe and secure?

Will I ever feel like I am at home? I want a place of my own, with my own rules, and to lead my own life in happiness and peace...
without these worrisome feelings


With you though, there is a definite place in you.

"I think I like you..." haha wow, I am losing it.

eckk

Now, why would you want to do something like this??
are you that desperate to hide from me?

An interesting sign

Why did I resist so hard yesterday night? Is this some sort of omen? I begged, I cried, and made a whole bunch of people, one in particular, special and dear to me cry, and well, go through a nervous breakdown. It's always like this. I guess, what's meant to happen will happen.

ya know..

Things that are great are great, but things that are not just doesn't seem to be getting better...the matter of the fact is that they aren't getting any better. And it no longer is my just imagination and being paranoid
Honestly, I am tired from all of this. If things are gonna happen, let them happen. I dont want to give them the battle of my life each time I want to do something. This is kind of...draining every amount of energy, hope, will, effort from my very own core.

Its one battle after another. It's just simple things. Things, can't ever go my way, even once. I don't like taking things for granted, but I don't want my life to be this difficult either. Once in a way, it'd be nice if things easily happened, without having to sacrifice so much. I want to be able to take a breath and end things quickly, without having to crush my dreams in every turn, for the simplest things.

I try every possible way, one after another, but ... I guess when things aren't meant to be, they aren't meant to be. So They don't work.

I keep saying to myself, this time around, I am not going to place my hopes, and I am not going to get excited...but of course that doesnt happen. So I am putting all of my hopes in this time around..if this doesnt work, I dont want to think about the dark path that is awaiting for me.

a little secret.

this is too hard. i am beginning to doubt my own reasons for this. I'm thinking of giving up now...
I don't want to put my family through this. I don't want to put myself through this. This wasn't why I wanted to go away, and this wasn't the circumstances I wanted to leave Rochester under in.
*sigh*.
I just wish for once things went easy in my life.
Its hard. Life is always hard. I always have dreams and goals, but I always fall short regardless of how hard I try. My fear is to become ordinary. But the harder I work, the harder it seems to achievable. I always get a small waft of my dream, the delusion that it seems like finally my hard work is paying off and slowly my dreams are being realized, it breaks apart, falls apart, with only my emotions to shatter even more.

I hate this. I just wish that this time it happens. I really need this...

Humans are such fickle and whimsical creatures. Although they have high expectations of after receiving a certain order of words, actions, and reactions that they will be happy...but unfortunately words and actions do not guarantee happiness and peace...
you wait and wait for it to happen and when on the rare occurrence of it actually realized, sometimes you just don't end up feeling the way you had expected... Petty isn't it?

It does make me question but it will be a good experience.

The truth is

I just really want to be with you, is it bad?
There are these feelings towards you that I have not ever possessed towards anybody. Its not just my nature that I feel these feelings. Its how you make me feel, and how I just became so obsessed over it, because I am afraid your feelings for you will fade, my feelings for you will change as a reaction. I know for a fact, within the core of my soul that I can never feel this way ever again.
I want to share my world and The world with you. I want you to do the same. I want to know your past, I want to be your present and hold a significant place in your future. But that just feels like silly talk. I don't know anything of your past and your present is blurry to me, your future is sacredly hidden away. I don't know where I stand with you.

Down the years, as wines do, slowly experience the tastes of the world, and bury the life in to red with you. The color of my malicious soul. But you want nothing to do with my world. I am hesistant to share it with you, and you only increase my anxiety as you seem to take no interest. You don't want to bring me into your world either. It's true I don't like people in my world, I don't let people in easily, but one can't help but to wish...and that feels like it would need a miracle to happen.

The way you stand up, your voice, the way you smile, and hold my hand...The way your skin feels, and how your touch can stir the world my soul resides in.

I hope one day you can return these affections, thoughts and feelings towards me.
I want to be the only one and only one for you. But I can't see a future with you. I'd like to plan it, but I can't seem to be able to. I'd like to be able to dream but you don't encourage me, nor do you dream with me. Am I actually the only one in this relationship?

relentlesss war

a few words i threw together

The sadness tears that reaches the cheek are as sweet as nectar

Calamaties

and it is the calamaties that will befall....

truth about men

its rather pathetic that man get aroused with the simplistic things, and get distracted by the sight of smallest flesh.
its really pathetic.
regardless of their age, of their socioeconomic class and intelligence level, all men at the basic are the same. Qualities and characteristics may change.
But with the flash of boobies, all become brainless and get zoned into it.

2009

So today is a new day, a new beginning.
I am on a hunt for apartments, and well of course jobs, but first priority an apartment. Then I gotta get a whole lot of stuff to be able to live, like a bed, a dresser, kitchen and bathroom supplies, for example a tooth paste!
Exciting....its good to see to come this far..I was afraid what was happening and not going to happen...

result

All Cease to Exist!

maybe its better this way though.
Thinking about it..definitely more privacy.Its easier to manage around and I really would be standing up on my own feet.
This way we can do more things without getting sick of each other too.
Result is better
You never know what can come up.

It's Futile