Silence

Awkward how things can be. It's completely silent. It's like we've all agreed not to say a word about the growing size of the problem. We're all going to pretend we're blind, and ignore what we intuitively know to be the truth, the whole truth. We just don't want to acknowledge it, then as a society, a community, a group, a couple, an individual we will have to acknowledge the problem, the complication, the impossibility and the lack of options we are given in this society. We'll continue to ponder in silence, without reaction.

Our social collective and conscious tells us, not to. So why bother? We've answered the question to this problem as a species, haven't we? Why reframe, redefine and reanswer the same questions and seek different solutions to the previously solved--which by the way are clearly not working.

P and I

I in this title is not the pronoun I. It's the capitalized letter of a person. P and I are a couple friend we have made through the matchmaking of MK and SN. This couple is from Turkey as well, and are in the same age group as us. They're here for an education time and on a mission. It seems like the two are determined and on a mission to complete and return. A life or any kind of delay in U.S. is not something they wish or are seeking.

However, they're similar to us. Young, hopeful, newly married couple. They too are trying to make it work and navigating uncharted personal oceans. They're humorous, generous and kind people with an open heart. While, unfortunately this friendship is on a timer, we seem to be enjoying spending time with them that they've become a stable of our lives already.

Group Health Insurance

FINALLY! All the paper work went through. We've applied, provided the necessary evidence as proof and have been enrolled properly with the insurance. I now have insurance. I haven't been able to say this in such a long time.

It's exciting, all of these paper work to fill out, brochure and guide to read through. I do hope they cover more than SHIP covers so that it can be of benefit. Both S and I have important dates coming up and with our health concerns it would be great to have these services provided to us with the discount of having health insurance.

Sneaking Departure Time

MK and SN will be leaving in about two weeks. Each brings another cold fact and truth to our doors. We are faced with even more difficulties. Losing MK and SN will be like losing family. We will be mourning their loss.

While they are still Stateside though, everyday seems like an activity that seems to be saying farewell. Another farewell, another group of friends. At least we're getting to see them plenty before they leave, giving us enough memories to hold on to.

Our New Apartment

Finally, after our long search online, never ending mailing back and forth, and endless apartment visiting to find an affordable but a clean apartment where we could call our next home has surfaced. We signed our lease, and paid our deposit. What a relief this is. Amongst everything, this is one thing I am so excited and happy about. It took us a long time, but I am satisfied with the final decision we've made. Also, we won't be far away from our old apartment, still in the same neighborhood, but with a better access to downtown and the bus stops. Now, all that's left is to pack, move and unpack. Oy.

With that crossed off our list though, I am sure I'll be able to sleep better tonight!

Summer

This upcoming summer is not going to be what I've imagined and anticipated. Though I guess stopped dreaming about back in January. This is another summer everything will be delayed. Another summer that I am not working, another summer that I am not attending conferences, workshops, symposiums. It's another summer that I won't be going back to school. Fall,when it comes will hurt. But it's too far from now and thinking about it is not going to change anything--at least at this point.

I will be moving--again, this summer. I so did not want to do this. Hopefully, we won't have to move out next summer. That will be the bummer: moving out three summers in a row.

But, both S and I have learned some valuable lessons. S has seen me in my worst. Without a job, depressed, hopeless, purposeless and without an inclination to change anything about my insecurities or situation. Then he saw me doing my best to get out of this rut, plan a healthy, careful, well balanced life. A meaningful life where we try our best to merge our lives. Merging lives though, is not something people can rush into and is not an easy task.

S is also a lot like me. Meek, timid and sometimes shy. Afraid. Without the proper ammunition to fight a battle. But determined, loyal, honest and hard working. I'm also seeing S at his a turbulent, trying and challenging time. Without a summer job, meaning without a decent income and without a group. I can see the fear in his eyes that I will think less of him. Or judge him. Or think him incompetent. Perhaps feel that he is not a hard worker or unable to provide. I think none of these things. He's overwhelmed, overworked and incredibly hurt. Whatever happens, we will get through it together and at the end of the day, that is what matters the most to me. He is an incredible person and everyday I feel even more lucky to be sharing my life with him.

Everyday, I love watching his smile grow.

June

I can't believe it is June. Those dreading times have lessened. The long depression is partially over. I can at least feel alive. Being alive is better being living as a corpse. At least I can feel and I am not continually, systematically numbing myself. I am glad I've stuck with blogging daily. It has made a difference. I definitely am not writing great content. I am not going into anything deep and my entries unfortunately aren't always fresh. I can be repetitive. But I promised myself I was not going to censure myself too much and allow my emotions to surface and be expressed, even if on limited terms. I am not a bottler. I can't bottle it up too much, because volume is small and I end up blowing up sooner, rather than later.

It's allowed me to stay connected to my own body. My thoughts had a somewhere to go back to. They knew there was an anchor holding them, guiding them and waiting for them. They realized and existentialist purpose and I am hoping to grow from this, entirely, totally.

June is going to suck. It's going to be difficult. The weather has been yucky as well But this gives me time. This gives me incentive and motivation. One more thing to finish and I will be done. We will be done. I can move on to bigger, better and important steps.

I am disoriented, I am not sure where to begin and where to stop, entirely. I don't know how far I should be chasing. But, I am here and I am going to make this count. We have to go somewhere with this. A little bit more is all I've got left.