A little pissed, and you should fear me...very much so.

Calendars

Well, this is a change. I've got all of my calendars up to date and have even made gasp, plans for the future. How much I succeed in fulfilling them, or realizing them obviously depends on other time loyalties and money. Let's just hope for my tiny heart's sake that I can at least complete the ones I really want to accomplish. But this gives me hope. I have the next several months ahead of me, which is always a good thing. I feel like, for the first time since certain people entered my life and I was thrown into chaos that I can look into the future and start thinking about time concepts, responsibilities, consequences and have the faith to make plans. Desire to make something of my weekends and fill my days with more than menial, tedious work.

Volunteering and study schedules, wait for me. Madison, we'll rediscover you once again :)

Wonders of waking up on time :)
And the wonders of mid-day naps during summer. There is something about the summers that makes me sleepy during the day, right when I could and should get lots of things done. That's right the 3-6 p.m. time slice that leaves me drained, sleepy and imagining a sonnet of Shakespeare's that leaves me in awe of sleep. My only desire becomes resting my eyes for a few minutes, which stretches out to fifteen minutes and at that point, slumber calls my name as a sweet nectar, I give myself in so voluntarily.

Hopefully, I won't be this lazy in a couple of weeks and get all the things I need to get done.

Well, all of my drafts have now been published. So this means, if I want to publish things daily, I have to put more effort into it. As a result I have to do more daily, or condensed writing in one sitting. Sometimes I like writing daily and other times, there is so much in my chest, while what's inside my head may sound similar to a stranger, or perhaps sound so very different in my mind and in actuality they may not be, I just have things to say. It takes a while to take them out as I experiment with the words and they find the perfect expression in the way I write them down. Let's be honest, I am still inexperienced and still need a lot of help with style and diction. So, sometimes I repeat the same thing in so many different ways. As always, not very important, but I do have a voice and regardless of the significance of the things I say, I have things to say, to share and to teach. I know, I am being funny with the last item.

Ha, buda sana kapak olsun sevgili eski hocam. Bundan sonra iki degil, bin kere dusunursun birseyler yazarken artik :D Ha bu gece varya, o kadar rahat uyuyacagim ki :D

at this point, all I want to say is, yeah, whatever. As juvenile as that sounds.

Wants to take that mid day nap pretty darn badly.

I seek, I spy and I devise ;)

https://www.facebook.com/saitucarr

This is the other one that seems to be the only songs we ever listen to at home.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7DJlkhx7Ajk

This seems to be one of the two songs I only listen to.

A little bit more left before things have a smooth order :)

Ramadan is really over isn't it?

Happy Eid!

Ramadan 30

Today is the last day of Ramadan.

Seni buldum ya...

Herkesin gecmis Kadir gecesi mubarek olsun.

Schedules

*sigh*

It's good to be transitioning into some sort of order and at least attempting to have an organized life. I like schedules as much as I hate them. They're complicated, time consuming, habit creators, monotonous and well, ordinary. They create complications and over time become pretty solid promise makers or unavailable to do anything else. Someone who has a chaotic and hectic life, whose life pretty much depends on and lives on the hinges of destiny's seconds, this creates tremendous problems for me. Nothing ever gets done in advance for me. Everything either decides to get done in the last possible nanosecond or comes undone in that very last nanosecond. Such is my life and I have come to terms with it, accept and understand it.

However, I've also come to understand that I cannot function properly, at least efficiently without the guidance and strict time consumption of schedules. My life is as chaotic as it is and it becomes impossible to see one step ahead unless I have some sort of to do list, some sort of order of things to get done and some sort of calendar to follow strictly. Things often are left uncompleted, forgotten, past due, or worst not done at all. Or even worst yet, I just spend enormous amounts of time doing nothing in particular (i.e. searching the history of IUDs since the beginning of time).

While, this new schedule is still in its infancy stages and needs a lot of improvement, effort and time to make it work, but at least some sort of order and sense of an organized life has begun here, in this new (at least new for me, since I no longer live alone) apartment.

Between two people who has found what they were seeking and beyond, things they were not ready for, people who essentially are solitary souls...things could not have been better and nothing could have gone into more in sync (not that it is). At least there are organized things and there are those that needs to be organized and things that still needs work.

At this point, what else could I ask for? Other than to get my ass from this couch and actually start doing things?

sessiz ve gizli savaslar...

Alone Time

I've been staying up late at night quite often as of recently, what with it being Ramadan and all.

But I haven't really had any alone time as of late, with no longer having my own apartment, at first living at a friend's and then later another friend's. Well, now I do have an apartment (and what a joyous occasion that was), a home, together, with you where I once again feel like I belong and in return it also belongs to me. A home it feels warm, fuzzy and cozy. A home I can come rushing through at the end of the day. A home I'll miss when I am somewhere else with my suitcase in my hand. A home, I'll want to spend time in it again and again, feeling safe, secure and one I have created through our shared efforts and quite literally our own hands. Yours and mine.

But now that things have settled down and things seem to be at the very least Okay, I am finally getting chances to be alone. I've missed staying up late at nights just by myself. The nights where I write feverishly, like tonight. The nights that only includes, my thoughts, crazy nail polish colors, writing and the silence accompanied by solitude of the night. Not a sound other than the sound of my fingers hitting the qwerty keyboard.

I've missed this, just to think, to be alone with my ceaseless, out of the box, sometimes plain and ordinary, quite also dangerous, borderline of insanity thoughts. Things that belong only to me. My ability to do as I please. The taste of my tea, in my own cozy home, with my dreams that will never come into fruition.

None the less, here's one more small victory to my own normalcy, another small victory to reclaiming my independence from that short term of bondage.

hmmmmmm...nereden basliyacagimi pek bilmesemde, biriken bazi seyler elbette var.

Mutluluklara...

Icim icime sigmiyor...

Ramazan 20

Ramazan daki hayat kosusturmacasi cok daha farkli oluyor. Belki elinde olaraktan, ama cogu zamanda insanin elinde olmayan sebeplerden dolayi. Insanin uyku dezeni sasiyor, yaptiklariyla yapacaklari yer karistiriyor, vede zaten aclik susuzluk aslinda etkilemesede, gun boyunca, nefis koreltme cabalari, bunlar hep insani zorlayan seyler.

Umuyorumki bu sene, ben birazdaha fazla nefsimi egitmis, birazdaha fazla dinime, imanima baglanip, biraz daha duzgun insan olmayi becerebilmis bir sekilde Ramazani bu sene bitirebilirim. Umutlar iste, yasadikca, bin tane sey umut ediyor insan.

Aslinda, soyliyecek seyim oldugu kadarda, cok fazla soylemek istemedigim seyler var. Ben hep derim, eminimkide zaten bir yerlerde yazilmistir, soylenmistir, dusunulmustur. Buyusu vardir bazi seylerin, onlarin buyusunu bozmamak icin bazen sessizlige burunmek lazimdir, ve icindekini bilmekle sadece yetinmek gerekir...

Ama...galiba...bazende bozmaya degicek kadar onemli olabilirler...

Istanbul'u ozledi galiba...

Update

Now that all of my previously written draft blog entries have made it to the publishing stage and then the other ones I've written once in a while, before I ran out, looks like I am going to have to actually start truly blogging once more. Should be interesting with my very active and ever changing phase of my life.

bir insan, baska bir insanin kafasini bu kadar siserebilmesi mumkun mu?

I am not sure what kind of a title to give to this entry. But as of late, I've been kind of ignoring the "title" titled empty box anyway. So, I don't think one more titleless entry is going to change anything in my blog. It's not like I have a huge fan base or anything. It's mostly me who writes, and me to reads in return with one or two exceptions here and there.

Now, what I essentially wanted to say was that, things could have happened in the past. A person might have liked another person, they really shouldn't have. Things happen. But if things never have proceeded further due to the said person's understanding of the world and relentlessly stressing that those emotions were unrequited and never could anything happen between the two of them. But, remaining friends is a feasible option and would love to just remain friends because although we are not a compatible match as a couple, you are a great person and I cherish you as just that, a great person with flaws. Time flows as with anything and individuals tend to go for better, bigger things or so at least we hope. At the very least, give enough time and even the most stubborn of lovers will move on to someone new that suits their renewed tastes and style better than their previously charming suitors. There is no need to dig the past up and serve is a hot new dish that's been revised to suit the (in this case I'll say faulty for doing what you have just done) faulty side's justification in pursuing and then later dropping said interest. Either tell the truth, or minimize the deal and just brush it off as simply, correctly and precise as it was without getting tangled up in the details and blatantly lie to serve your own needs and purposes, therefore in return shaming and putting me in a bad spotlight. That's just not fair and is also a very inaccurate way of portraying a picture of your character for future references. In my experience, things never stay in their graves for too long and the truth always comes out...Always.

Iyikide hayatimdasin sen. Ruhum o kadar hafifki, anlatmasi mumkun degil.

Insan bir kere kirilsin. Kimse isteye isteye, bile bile zaten ne kirilmak ister, nede bunun icin caba sarfeder. Ama, eger kiriliyorsada, gerci bu herkes icin cok farkli ama, ben bir kere kirildiktan sonra tekrar herseyin eskiye donmesi zor benim icin. Gorduklerimi gormemezlikten gelemiyorum artik. Saniyorum ki, bunun icin cok fazla buyudum vede artik butur konularda pragmatist olmaya basladim. Ona gore devamli karar alip, tekrar tekrar kendimi kontrol edip, olaylari el atlina alip, ona gore devam etmeye calisiyorum. Anneme benzemisim bu konuda. Bir kere kirilinca, kendi kabuguma cekiliyorum, ve sonra yavastanda olsa, o kisiyle ilgili alakami ve bagimi kesiyorum, birakiyorum, bitiriyorum. Olmasa daha iyi olurmus gibi geliyor ve sonrada bunu mantikli bir sekilde principlelara dokup, maddelere ayiriyorum. Ve bilemezsin ne kadarda faydali oluyor. Sogutmak istiyorsan beni, kirdur, gunun birinde hic beklemedigin bir anda, kendimi geri cekip kaybolup gidiyorum sana gore gecmisin sayfalarina, kendime gore ise gelecegin daha yazilmamis sayfalarina.

Galiba artik bizim hikayemizde bu olucak. Birbirimizden yavas yavas kopucaz. Kahveler azalicak, yemekler azalicak, ugrayip sormalar azalicak. Ve bunlar olurken, birbirimize anlattigimiz, ozel hikayeler ve kendimizle iligili sirlarin ciddiyet seviyeleri degisicek, derinden yuzeysele dogru bir akim basliyacak. Sirlar verilmiyecek ve detaylarda bunla beraber kaybolucak, yada soylenmiyecek, soylenende varsa bunlar zararsiz perspektiflere cekilip oyle anlatilicak.

Ve iste, buda sana benim elveda mektubumdur. Her ne kadar isteyemeyerekten ve bilincsiz bir sekilde yazmis olsamda bu entry'yi. Daha fazlasi olamaz, ki ben cok kirildim senin karsinda.

Ramazan...

Ramazan geldi, hatta nerdeyse geleli iki hafta oldu. Zaman sadece akip gidiyor, yakiliyamiyorum onun ucunu. Ramazanin gelmesini bekliyorduk ve bir yandanda daha yapacagimiz cok sey var, vakitte var deyip kendimi avutup duruyordum. Ramazan geldi, gunler dahada hizli akar oldu. Zatan sabah en az dort bucuga kadar ayaktayim. Eh bu nedenlide onikiden once kalkabildigimi hatirliyamiyorum, kalksamda bir ise yaradigimi hatirliyamiyorum. Sonrasinda ise zaten gunu yakalamak icin geciyor, saatleri hatta dakikalari geri saymakla geciyor. Sonra zaten iftar oluyor, ve iftardan sonra kafami kaldirip baktigimda ise 12. Gece yarisi goz acip kapatincaya kadar gecip gidiyor. Devamli zamanin pesinden kosuyormusum gibi bir his var, ve hic birseyi arkasinda yakaliyamiyorum.

Temmuzda bitti. Bitti. Bugun Agustos bir, dun son gunuydu. Ruya gibi akip gecti gitti kocaman ay. Buda oyle demek oluyor ki, artik yazda bir sona geliyor. O ruyasini kurdugum seylerin gene bir cogunu yapamadim, gene karisan hikayeler, gozler, yuzler ve insanlar. Hepsi birer birer cogaldi ve o karmasinin icinde, kendimi bile kaybetmeyi becerebildim ben.

Agustosun gelmesi demek, artik Sonbaharin kapimizda oldugu demektir. Tabi Agustos dolu dolu yaz olmaya devam edecek, tenimi ve hatta, damarimin icindeki kani yakacak. Ama,yarim hayallerle geriye kalan zaman dilimi her halde benim icin en cok degerli ve onemli olan zaman birimi haline gelip, butun yaz boyunca yapamadiklarimi yapmakla mesgul olucam.