End of July

Today is the end of July. I am growing impatient, a little frustrated and overwhelmed. We still have two more weeks before we move, everything is packed, I've given away my donation boxes and the things that needs to be thrown out that will no longer be any good to anyone have been thrown out. I am desperate to move out. Sometimes I find my breath stifled, and an overbearing weight sitting atop of my chest. My corners from everywhere has been shrinking, continually diminishing and I feel like I can just disappear. I think about disappearing sometimes; taking the wrong turn somewhere, and keep walking until the ends of the earth to find the answers to the questions I have in my mind. The things I want to know most. Things I know I can never, should never know. I should let it go, but I can't. The woman inside of me is holding on to the little bits of it and I just can't get over it. How juvenile.

I want these oppressive feelings that are taking over me, stirring my blood and making me into a raging lunatic to fade away. The small voices inside of my head are getting louder. The essentials of my voice are getting smaller everyday. Sometimes, I have a difficult time hearing what's inside my head and what it is that I am really feeling. Everything is so mixed up in my heart.

Promises and Reward

And because everyday is an uphill battle, daily, I make promises to myself. If I get through this, if I get through the day without breaking down, if I get through the week, accomplishing what I must, then I will reward myself to, cup of coffee, an expensive latte, or one small item of clothing of 5 dollars. Let's be realistic, that is the maximum of what I can afford. I haven't been able to buy facial moisturizers due to the fact that we just don't have enough money. The delicate balance with extras just cannot be maintained.

I find it sometimes gets a bit easier to manage through the day if I have something to look forward to, even if it is a guilty pleasure. Beggars can't be choosers. So I move on, marching slowly, hoping for the day that the sunlight at the end of the tunnel is brighter, warm and inspiring enough to compel me to motion.

Reminding of Yourself

I am reminded daily of what happened in the past, so acutely that it's disorienting in the mornings. Sometimes, I don't know what day, time period I wake up to. I confused the fine line between past delusional haunting of my mind with today. I seem to wake up in the past, continually. It is damaging to myself and a bit tiring, difficult and hopeless to work through that every morning. Speed up the process, relive through these pains and suffer these wounds daily, until time catches up again. And sometimes, because the living of the past is so condensed, the emotions that are strongly attached to my experiences bring such negative emotions that the pain is all that much more intense, hurtful and bewildering.

It's a battle with myself, everyday. To forget, to greet the day, to keep working. It's my personal battle to not descent into my personal hell of revenge, depression and abyss.

Some days are more successful then others. Some days the necessity of appointments, arrangements and promises to keep is enough to get me going, out of the house and momentarily disabling the sensory inputs and outputs, which allows me to clamor, climb and pass through the day, until I come home and break down.

Other days are bad from the beginning and grow even more excruciating in the process of noon to night. It's immobilizing and I am reminded of the hopelessness of then. Not a good feeling.

It's a daily battle.

Weather

It's been a strange summer, my strangest summer in Madison thus far. I've never seen the weather so cold, so rainy and dark here in Madison. It almost feels like a Fall. I am fond of Fall, but I'd like to have a little bit of Summer before we move onto the bitter, colder and more rustic weather I am enamored with.

To the strange and sometimes irrational, it feels as if the weather's been cool so we can continue to fast.

Writing Update

I don't exactly know what kind of Mini Courses U.W. will be offering for fall. I am assuming there will be several related to Fiction, which I am resolved to register and take all of them.

Besides that, it turns out I have to take a Compass Test in order for me to start my Journalism Certificate classes. That's okay, I am not particularly worried about doing well enough in the English part that I will pass out of English 101. After all, that is required in order for me to take the classes that I need. It is a bit bummer, but there is very little to do about that. My courses usually are full length and therefore are more expensive. I was hoping that this wouldn't be the case. Finding the money is going to be difficult, though I am hoping new opportunities will rise for then, by then. MATC is on hold until the Compass Test and money. Though there is one course that is only $99, not related to Journalism, but instead directly to writing titled "Publishing A Novel" which I will be taking, as soon as I gather the money for it.

Besides that, I've been doing some research and have been researching fiction contests, literary magazines and writing workshops, conferences in and around Madison. I am so happy to have found so many great ones. Since I do not have a story yet, there is very little I can do about submitting my work. But knowing my avenues is a great comfort and a sigh of relief to my mind. This way, I have tangible goals that can be reached and checked off my list.

I am not sure about a Creative Writing Degree, but I am beginning to consider it as a viable option in some sorts.

Now, if I could be factually, orderly and in a disciplined matter be writing those great stories that used to clutter my mind continually and made me a lunatic.

Research Groups

It's been a stagnating Summer with much to do, but without much to progress, boast or even be extremely happy about.

S is working hard, researching about his options, what he can do, what he wants to do and where he can go after this. He is trying to come up with some sort of proposal, trying to create a new beginning, a fresh start and also trying to motivate himself for academia once again. As his efforts were effortlessly returned back to him, he feels a little oppressed and hurt by the whole process, and so a lot of motivation is broken.

His passion for Science and his good will to change the world, be of benefit to someone makes up for his lack of discipline and regular his inability to stick to a regular schedule and set hours, which further complicates our planning and stifles our growth process, tremendously.



I would love to see more hope instilled in his heart and to see his eyes shining for Science once more. That's the S I know.

Freya Katkowsky

We recently had our interview and now that everything has been shed into light, it's good to know.

First things first: If you're in the Madison area, give her a chance. She is an amazing lawyer with a great attitude. Great people who are lawyers do exist!

http://www.kisimmigration.com/

That is the link to her website. She is careful, patient and clearly answers questions. From this ordeal though, I would like to say not every lawyer is awesome as she is.

So go in there in confidence and well prepared. A bit of background research, some online forum browsing has never hurt anyone. Also maybe stopping by the library and going through a reference book won't hurt either. If you know your case and understand the complications, reasoning and implicated of your situation, you can describe your situation to your lawyer better. And if you understand where your lawyer is coming from, you can understand her advice better and that where she is coming isn't another planet, but based on articular prior procedures, hearings and results. This also arises particular questions about your situation you should be aware of. Only to cover yourself 100% is through understanding where you stand. If you understand it, you can explain it better and in return be more satisfied with what you can and cannot do.

Go in there with a series of questions that will enable you to make right decisions legally, even if you did not choose to hire any kind of legal help, representation and such.

Goodluck.