Why do I fear so, for eternity is long and restless?
For, if this was meant to be, why is every fiber in my being denying me happiness?
If this was the right thing to have, why is my soul so drawn out, exhausted, uncelebrated?
In every corner of my mind, warning signs have gone off, and I can no longer turn the blind eye...however, what keeps me here? At this abhorred of a place, this situation less than o, fortune for me?
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
Wine and Chocolate
Later in the evening the combination of Wine & Chocolate is irresistible. Truly. To add Norah Jones' music into the equation is unbelievable. It adds up to the perfect math of a beautiful, soulful night.
If I never had this conception before a week ago, by today I would be convinced by now that God, Universe, some sort of cosmic patriarch loves me in the most sadistic way possible. Honestly, this cosmic patriarch, God, Universe is rather scary wrath and havoc wrecking, and I am it's target. Unfortunately I have no way of escaping the disasters that will befall upon me shortly. I am pretty convinced, and by the end of today I came to the verdict that I am the object of obsession when it came to making pranks, and a living irony of this God, Universe...Cosmic patriarch.
To hear, the most opposite end of the spectrum, by your own object of obsession and soulful emotions is rather at the very least to begin with intoxicating, confusing, and the worst prank that could be played upon anyone. No matter how sturdy the logic and feelings of the individual is. If I wasn't paranoid before, I should be by now. The initial stage should be more than enough to drive anyone insane, crazy, psychotic.
To be brutal, I am confused and I am not sure what I should do. I know the right step for this sort of a thing, that I should take to escape from the brutality of the aftermath it will have on me. Once a quitter is always a quitter after all. The logic and the process is rather easy to fall into and believe. But, however, I refuse to believe in theories that are slippery-slope in nature. But I can't help but to think, persons change persons. Events and circumstances play a big hand at the fate of everyone as much as the character and the personality. I, for one fact know that very well. Too well to my own dismay. I had always dreamed to be so that person, whole-heartedly. The sounds and allures of the promises are also so hard to resist. If magic did exist, I am sure the spell the allures and sounds of promises to be fulfilled, that are so sincere and genuine would be impossible to break. I am sure of that with every fiber of my being.
Where does that leave me?...Absolutely no clue. As anything else in my life, that is uncertain too.
If I never had this conception before a week ago, by today I would be convinced by now that God, Universe, some sort of cosmic patriarch loves me in the most sadistic way possible. Honestly, this cosmic patriarch, God, Universe is rather scary wrath and havoc wrecking, and I am it's target. Unfortunately I have no way of escaping the disasters that will befall upon me shortly. I am pretty convinced, and by the end of today I came to the verdict that I am the object of obsession when it came to making pranks, and a living irony of this God, Universe...Cosmic patriarch.
To hear, the most opposite end of the spectrum, by your own object of obsession and soulful emotions is rather at the very least to begin with intoxicating, confusing, and the worst prank that could be played upon anyone. No matter how sturdy the logic and feelings of the individual is. If I wasn't paranoid before, I should be by now. The initial stage should be more than enough to drive anyone insane, crazy, psychotic.
To be brutal, I am confused and I am not sure what I should do. I know the right step for this sort of a thing, that I should take to escape from the brutality of the aftermath it will have on me. Once a quitter is always a quitter after all. The logic and the process is rather easy to fall into and believe. But, however, I refuse to believe in theories that are slippery-slope in nature. But I can't help but to think, persons change persons. Events and circumstances play a big hand at the fate of everyone as much as the character and the personality. I, for one fact know that very well. Too well to my own dismay. I had always dreamed to be so that person, whole-heartedly. The sounds and allures of the promises are also so hard to resist. If magic did exist, I am sure the spell the allures and sounds of promises to be fulfilled, that are so sincere and genuine would be impossible to break. I am sure of that with every fiber of my being.
Where does that leave me?...Absolutely no clue. As anything else in my life, that is uncertain too.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Somehow between mourning and sorrow, the light wonderfully basked her with bliss and hope.
You can only go so low for so long before the situation changes.
Edit: Before you see things differently, before your feelings, your being, and your thoughts have been changed, different than their original responses. Life, changes all of us, slowly. In one way or another. Sometimes we have the the power to guide these changes in the way we want to. Sometimes, it's already too late, life has changed us irrevocably in one way or another, by the time we realize it, it's a part of ourselves. And now, everything is different. Synchronization is harder than you might think :)
You can only go so low for so long before the situation changes.
Edit: Before you see things differently, before your feelings, your being, and your thoughts have been changed, different than their original responses. Life, changes all of us, slowly. In one way or another. Sometimes we have the the power to guide these changes in the way we want to. Sometimes, it's already too late, life has changed us irrevocably in one way or another, by the time we realize it, it's a part of ourselves. And now, everything is different. Synchronization is harder than you might think :)
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Good News
There are several good news enough to make me happy currently. That alone is a great thing.
Yakup has returned from his mandatory military service. That is a relief. He's been back for a few days, but we've only recently had the chance to chat up. I've missed him so, dearly... Yakup is one of those true friends, to truly have his friendship is something people imagine a better part of their lives, but most often then so, people don't. In that aspect I am truly blessed. He's been there for me, for better or worse. He's even been there for my emotional wreckage when he was in the army. He can even detect the slightest differences in my mood through the way I use any words, sentence structures. He knows me well. I am very happy he's back to his family, friends and lover.
Secondly, I am back to being decisive again. I have made some choices and decisions to follow up on that. For a while, I was so afraid to make a decision and nothing was certain. Although nothing is still certain, it's great to be able to make decisions like I use to. Clear, concise and tohorough. I don't want to have to give this up again.
Thirdly, I have completed a large part of American Classical Literature readings. When finished it is something to be celebrated. Of course I am still no where near completion.
Fourthly, I am writing systematically again. Journal, stories, poetry, and it's a variety, instead of only morbidity. I do love morbidity but as a writer in order to grow, varince is the key. It will get no where if I only write about similar themes, with similar back story, simlar phrases to make the mood dark. You get the gist.
Today, is blissed with rain. It's so beautiful. Yes, I had things to do and had to skip out of them due to the fact tht it's raining like cats and dogs, but watching it here at home like this, is so worth it.
Yakup has returned from his mandatory military service. That is a relief. He's been back for a few days, but we've only recently had the chance to chat up. I've missed him so, dearly... Yakup is one of those true friends, to truly have his friendship is something people imagine a better part of their lives, but most often then so, people don't. In that aspect I am truly blessed. He's been there for me, for better or worse. He's even been there for my emotional wreckage when he was in the army. He can even detect the slightest differences in my mood through the way I use any words, sentence structures. He knows me well. I am very happy he's back to his family, friends and lover.
Secondly, I am back to being decisive again. I have made some choices and decisions to follow up on that. For a while, I was so afraid to make a decision and nothing was certain. Although nothing is still certain, it's great to be able to make decisions like I use to. Clear, concise and tohorough. I don't want to have to give this up again.
Thirdly, I have completed a large part of American Classical Literature readings. When finished it is something to be celebrated. Of course I am still no where near completion.
Fourthly, I am writing systematically again. Journal, stories, poetry, and it's a variety, instead of only morbidity. I do love morbidity but as a writer in order to grow, varince is the key. It will get no where if I only write about similar themes, with similar back story, simlar phrases to make the mood dark. You get the gist.
Today, is blissed with rain. It's so beautiful. Yes, I had things to do and had to skip out of them due to the fact tht it's raining like cats and dogs, but watching it here at home like this, is so worth it.
Monday, September 21, 2009
I can see the light at the end. There is a little bit more pain and blood and tears to flow left. The darkness is shedding down slowly, but surely. My life is complicated as always but I am going to stick to writing, reading, researching and finding a way out of it.
It's okay, and I am going to do what I do best. Be independent and go get what it is that I really need. It's going to take a long time but I am going to make my dreams come true.
I am not going to stay in this huge of a crater forever. I am not here to stay. Soon, when I have healed the scars on my wings, I am going to fly so far away.
Moon, tonight was as glorious as ever. There is something about the moon that makes everything else surreal when you gaze upon it. This pearl among the vast nothingness. Truth be told, I hate Rochester, but there is something irreplaceable about the moon-gazing in Rochester. Here this place, doesn't hold a candle to it. Tonight was spectacular and a rare occasion. I walked for a long time under the rain. At one point it came down really hard. It was what I needed and it hit the spot.
Wheels to change destiny is set into motion. Let the fight begin.
It's okay, and I am going to do what I do best. Be independent and go get what it is that I really need. It's going to take a long time but I am going to make my dreams come true.
I am not going to stay in this huge of a crater forever. I am not here to stay. Soon, when I have healed the scars on my wings, I am going to fly so far away.
Moon, tonight was as glorious as ever. There is something about the moon that makes everything else surreal when you gaze upon it. This pearl among the vast nothingness. Truth be told, I hate Rochester, but there is something irreplaceable about the moon-gazing in Rochester. Here this place, doesn't hold a candle to it. Tonight was spectacular and a rare occasion. I walked for a long time under the rain. At one point it came down really hard. It was what I needed and it hit the spot.
Wheels to change destiny is set into motion. Let the fight begin.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
So, tonight, or this morning to be more precise has been dedicated to writing. I've written pages and pages and I can't seem to stop myself. Here, my little thoughts notebook, my theories, my stories. Well, tonight was rather, an harbinger of feelings, and all things secret relic, holy, sacred, magical, sorrowful. Eventful to say the least. Who would of imagined. Certainly not me.
And I still can't seem to stop writing. So what is it that I truly want to say, that I truly feel that seems to boggle everything, unmuzzled my very own solid foundation of beliefs, my sturdy dedications, firm convictions, my very own mambo-jumbo heart, that is scarred beyond words?
I absolutely have no idea.
My head is about to split into two, and I am dull beyond expectations. I should be hyper, broken, relieved, lots of energy and more than I can carry on. Instead, I wrote, and I watched. Writing, is typical but watching t.v. definitely not. Every sense should be alive, instead there is something amiss, something very wrong. To be this calm, collected, and be able to recollect everything. I am sure this is going to eventually register in the following days, and it's vengeance is going to be brutal and beyond for me.
And I still can't seem to stop writing. So what is it that I truly want to say, that I truly feel that seems to boggle everything, unmuzzled my very own solid foundation of beliefs, my sturdy dedications, firm convictions, my very own mambo-jumbo heart, that is scarred beyond words?
I absolutely have no idea.
My head is about to split into two, and I am dull beyond expectations. I should be hyper, broken, relieved, lots of energy and more than I can carry on. Instead, I wrote, and I watched. Writing, is typical but watching t.v. definitely not. Every sense should be alive, instead there is something amiss, something very wrong. To be this calm, collected, and be able to recollect everything. I am sure this is going to eventually register in the following days, and it's vengeance is going to be brutal and beyond for me.
To tie things together.
Note to self. Definitely save Robert Pattinson's "Never Think."
Also, the Bella lullaby is amazing by Carter Burwell. I hate admitting this but Twilight actually has a good soundtrack. *ugh* Hollywood ruins everything. Edward had always been a special name to me, (no idea why) now they've ruined it for me. Everybody screams Edward Cullen now. They ruined my vampires too. :(. I love a good story about vampires. Vampires don't glitter in the sunlight damn it! Takes out the whole incentive to remain a mortal being. Okay stopping from the whole Twilight mode here, thats a must save for another time when I have less things on my mind and heart.
Its a simple fact about me that I prefer sunsets to sunrises, the moon itself to the sun. Moon is alluring, charming, mysterious, dark, morbid, serene, powerful and pure. It sits upon the sky like a pearl upon the slender, elegant, graceful neck of a noble woman, a woman of power, poise and suffering. This alone probably explains my infatuation with rain, the night, the creatures of the damned, the moon and the theme modification of my stories, poems and melancholy emotions of my writings. It is also a long known thing that I always write about more melancholy and morbid things. It's very rare that I have written love poems, and they are only about two man thus far. Never a third, or a fourth.
Melacholy does suit me best. It is afterall melancholy, sadness and eternal damnation is what I was brought to earh for. The math isn't difficult here. I love all sorts of morbid things, Shakespeare, Nathanial Hawthorne, the Bronte sisters, Halloween, the sadness, tears, autumn, writing, French movies, London, suffering, pain, tears don't seem to be shy to me, nor I prone to them. Of course never in public. I despise that.
This all brings me to this one point. I have been writing a lot lately. Poetry, short stories, random two three pager emotions with a story in itself, no before, or after. Cut in the middle, just then and there. Of course Debussy is the best music list for that :)
I have decided to try at the very least to publish some of them, and to actually officially, systematically work on my that awkward, immortal queen story. I have been working on it, since what? Sophomore year in highschool. I have decided that I am going to keep the story morbid, melancholy, suffering, and hurtful. I was going to add happy things, and end it with a happily eveer after. I have decided to change that as of a few days ago and make everything as bad as I could make a character whom I love deeply as I can. And because probably I love her so much that I will make her suffer so she won't make the mistakes that I have made. I must of rewrote the introduction 15o times at the very least. I have over 250 chapters at my hand, with more always coming, and edited, polished, and I am not even ready to let go of that story, of those characters yet. Maybe I should name him Edward? Considering the emotional attachment I have infested over the years of life, as a way to deal with all bad things happening in my life, and also a dream cursor to me especially. I swear, I see these characters as clear as day in my dreams, as their characters take center stage, events unraveled, and I write about it in the morning when I wake up. Strange. Our relationship has been like that for years. I also of course get half of my ideas from my dreams. That's another story. Not very creative now am I? I have decided to write it and publish it here along the way and enter it into competitions. Now that I have announced in the infinate black hole that is called the internet, as this is now out there, I have no returning back on my word as I have done so, many times previously about getting this done. Now, I can't turn back and must publish. Yay for self made mandatory motivation.
Also, the Bella lullaby is amazing by Carter Burwell. I hate admitting this but Twilight actually has a good soundtrack. *ugh* Hollywood ruins everything. Edward had always been a special name to me, (no idea why) now they've ruined it for me. Everybody screams Edward Cullen now. They ruined my vampires too. :(. I love a good story about vampires. Vampires don't glitter in the sunlight damn it! Takes out the whole incentive to remain a mortal being. Okay stopping from the whole Twilight mode here, thats a must save for another time when I have less things on my mind and heart.
Its a simple fact about me that I prefer sunsets to sunrises, the moon itself to the sun. Moon is alluring, charming, mysterious, dark, morbid, serene, powerful and pure. It sits upon the sky like a pearl upon the slender, elegant, graceful neck of a noble woman, a woman of power, poise and suffering. This alone probably explains my infatuation with rain, the night, the creatures of the damned, the moon and the theme modification of my stories, poems and melancholy emotions of my writings. It is also a long known thing that I always write about more melancholy and morbid things. It's very rare that I have written love poems, and they are only about two man thus far. Never a third, or a fourth.
Melacholy does suit me best. It is afterall melancholy, sadness and eternal damnation is what I was brought to earh for. The math isn't difficult here. I love all sorts of morbid things, Shakespeare, Nathanial Hawthorne, the Bronte sisters, Halloween, the sadness, tears, autumn, writing, French movies, London, suffering, pain, tears don't seem to be shy to me, nor I prone to them. Of course never in public. I despise that.
This all brings me to this one point. I have been writing a lot lately. Poetry, short stories, random two three pager emotions with a story in itself, no before, or after. Cut in the middle, just then and there. Of course Debussy is the best music list for that :)
I have decided to try at the very least to publish some of them, and to actually officially, systematically work on my that awkward, immortal queen story. I have been working on it, since what? Sophomore year in highschool. I have decided that I am going to keep the story morbid, melancholy, suffering, and hurtful. I was going to add happy things, and end it with a happily eveer after. I have decided to change that as of a few days ago and make everything as bad as I could make a character whom I love deeply as I can. And because probably I love her so much that I will make her suffer so she won't make the mistakes that I have made. I must of rewrote the introduction 15o times at the very least. I have over 250 chapters at my hand, with more always coming, and edited, polished, and I am not even ready to let go of that story, of those characters yet. Maybe I should name him Edward? Considering the emotional attachment I have infested over the years of life, as a way to deal with all bad things happening in my life, and also a dream cursor to me especially. I swear, I see these characters as clear as day in my dreams, as their characters take center stage, events unraveled, and I write about it in the morning when I wake up. Strange. Our relationship has been like that for years. I also of course get half of my ideas from my dreams. That's another story. Not very creative now am I? I have decided to write it and publish it here along the way and enter it into competitions. Now that I have announced in the infinate black hole that is called the internet, as this is now out there, I have no returning back on my word as I have done so, many times previously about getting this done. Now, I can't turn back and must publish. Yay for self made mandatory motivation.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
To be lost within is probably one of the worst feelings one could experience. No matter how many times through out an individual's life, each time they bring their own darkness, fears, complications, and baggage. It changes every time. You can never truly get over it. Its more along the lines of doing things so you don't get back sucked into the vacuumed nothingness, darkness, numbness and hazy life passing you by without seeing anything. To be blinded both through your heart, and your eyes is a horrible feeling of isolation, that is millions times worse than "Time Out" we receive from our communities. But at the same time, it hurts so much, large doses of melancholy and unbearable loneliness. With so many other elements in the equations and combinations as a result, its a wonder to me that any human being functions throughout the day in their own daily loves. This of course, absolutely includes me. Fantasy world without a doubt is definitely much, much sweeter.
How does one actually go about getting out of the sucked vacuum? How does one continue their daily life with all of its ups and downs, its drawbacks, difficulties, superficial people, and remain being happy? If there is some sort of an elixir, a state of mind, a formula I would very much like to know about it. Ah, that would probably make a lot of money judging from consumerism and how a large chunk of the humanity seems miserable to me.
How does one actually go about getting out of the sucked vacuum? How does one continue their daily life with all of its ups and downs, its drawbacks, difficulties, superficial people, and remain being happy? If there is some sort of an elixir, a state of mind, a formula I would very much like to know about it. Ah, that would probably make a lot of money judging from consumerism and how a large chunk of the humanity seems miserable to me.
Friday, September 18, 2009
You've got mail
Receiving bills in your mail box is often frustrating. In this economy I don't think anybody really wants to check their mail. Dreading the idea of getting more bills to pay, or similar of the category.
But, there is something special about getting mail. Its makes, most grown ups, even me with this anxious, nervous feeling, with excitement about what we will get. A surprise retreat.
So, when I saw slightly bigger yellow envelope, it made my heart jump. For a moment I thought this is what people experience when they're using ecstasy. For that one millisecond I could relate to them.
I absolutely love my cousin Sena :) To receive what she has given me is worth more than the worlds. A collection of poems by one of my favorite authors Ahmed Arif :) with little notes from her.
what could anyone ask for else?
But, there is something special about getting mail. Its makes, most grown ups, even me with this anxious, nervous feeling, with excitement about what we will get. A surprise retreat.
So, when I saw slightly bigger yellow envelope, it made my heart jump. For a moment I thought this is what people experience when they're using ecstasy. For that one millisecond I could relate to them.
I absolutely love my cousin Sena :) To receive what she has given me is worth more than the worlds. A collection of poems by one of my favorite authors Ahmed Arif :) with little notes from her.
what could anyone ask for else?
Saturday, September 12, 2009
A little releasing.
Lately, there has been a lot going on. I feel alive again! Ah, what a treat this is.
To feel, to think, to be passionate once again. I feel like I've been numb and frozen for a very long time. Now, I am finally defrozen, thawed, with a beating heart. I am not frantically crying anymore, I am not losing sleep ( as much anymore; and although I am no professional but I do know myself better than anybody else can ever hope to, which this surplus of sleep is a good progress sign.) I am back to being me, to being this happy but melancholy thinker, woman, person, frantic researcher.
To have your happiness being dependent on another human being is overwhelming, tiring and painful. Your own freedom is taken from your own hands, mind, heart and will. It is a relief to say that I no longer have that dependency. Although where this is leading is another thought, for another day. So I'll leave it at that. ... for now at least.
I am oozing out with these imaginative, creative ideas for writing, for thinking. I am looking things up, and learning. These ideas come flowing into my head about anything and everything. I enjoy a book again, and I can have deep literary discussions. I feel ecstatic that I can do these things again.
To be alive, to feel, to think is great. Hm, future looks promising, and glimmering of hopes comes right into my day.
I do have a lot of work to do, but I sure am not shy. I am willing to do it and get out of this rut once again.
Suffering and pain is definitely there for the rest of any one individual's life. No one is ever exception to that. In our own lives, to our own eyes, relativity is subjective compared to the universe. Therefore our own pain is the worst. Everything is harder to us. But, anything that makes life worth living is the mystery of what will and what can happen. Can our destiny's change inevitably in the future? The hope of a future. The promise of happiness. Allures us to make our lives better, to live through life and not just sadistically escape the suffering and the pain.
To feel, to think, to be passionate once again. I feel like I've been numb and frozen for a very long time. Now, I am finally defrozen, thawed, with a beating heart. I am not frantically crying anymore, I am not losing sleep ( as much anymore; and although I am no professional but I do know myself better than anybody else can ever hope to, which this surplus of sleep is a good progress sign.) I am back to being me, to being this happy but melancholy thinker, woman, person, frantic researcher.
To have your happiness being dependent on another human being is overwhelming, tiring and painful. Your own freedom is taken from your own hands, mind, heart and will. It is a relief to say that I no longer have that dependency. Although where this is leading is another thought, for another day. So I'll leave it at that. ... for now at least.
I am oozing out with these imaginative, creative ideas for writing, for thinking. I am looking things up, and learning. These ideas come flowing into my head about anything and everything. I enjoy a book again, and I can have deep literary discussions. I feel ecstatic that I can do these things again.
To be alive, to feel, to think is great. Hm, future looks promising, and glimmering of hopes comes right into my day.
I do have a lot of work to do, but I sure am not shy. I am willing to do it and get out of this rut once again.
Suffering and pain is definitely there for the rest of any one individual's life. No one is ever exception to that. In our own lives, to our own eyes, relativity is subjective compared to the universe. Therefore our own pain is the worst. Everything is harder to us. But, anything that makes life worth living is the mystery of what will and what can happen. Can our destiny's change inevitably in the future? The hope of a future. The promise of happiness. Allures us to make our lives better, to live through life and not just sadistically escape the suffering and the pain.
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