Abundance of Time

Abundance of Time...such a comparative term. It all started with the idea of having several stable constants in one's life, life a regular occurring work shift. Considering I work Monday through Thursdays and often vigorously for eight hours a shift, it occupies much of my four days a week where I must get things done by two in order to have a sane and capable, also productive shift at work. After all, my work is both physically and mentally demanding as I must remember about a billion things to do without a list and well, dealing with customers is just the icing on the cake, who never seem to be pleased with anything at all, or they're always ungrateful.

So, it's always the weekday that I scramble through, rushing from one task to the next, but I get things done. Even if not everything on my list, most of it gets done. That's because I know I don't have the time and I either do it now, or can't do it at all (because I won't have the time later on and at night when I come home it's too late and I am way too tired to do it), so I suck it up and do it and usually end up enjoying pretty much all of it, at the very least partially. So with limited time, we usually try to do the most of it, knowing it is limited and we've got appointments and things to do. But when we have abundance of time, we end up stalling or doing other things and end up doing little things, accomplishing nothing and rather end up having a stress stroke because a lack of done things on my list.

So, is having no obligations to fulfill, no responsibilities to acquire, is that good for self growth and self development? Can we actually go on to open up our visions and deepen our thoughts on life and our own personalities without other things going on in our lives to enrich our souls?  Can we grow without complication and obstacles? As a writer can't simply write sitting on her bed without looking at the window and how that view gets complicated by other experiences, we can't grow as human beings without some sort of dilemma and other things that pushes our limits.

Abundance of time isn't the thing that simply makes us grow. It's what comes along in that time that makes us grow. It's the  limits that we must push beyond to unfold and make ourselves in the shape we would like to be without losing the sight of what we have always held dear and what we always wanted to establish.

Uninterrupted Reading

Uninterrupted reading is the only true way to read at least for me. A clean, well-lighted place that is comfortable and a safe haven from the interruptions and challenges of life, but keeping reality at bay, just removing it's immediate threats from the reading process.

Reading by the window with the help of natural sun light and a comfortable mug at hand, filled with hot coffee, every once in a while after taking a sip of black coffee and looking up and taking the view in, thinking about the language of the book. There must be a comfortable large chair or a couch where I can snuggle up and get lost into the world of the book without switching, being stifled or feeling overcrowded and no legs falling asleep either.With that, well, we I can read for a long time to come, getting lost in the fictive world, turning the page one after another, delightfully delectable.

mm, and what a wonderful time it sounds like. Only if I could always be reading all the books I want to read without time restrictions or having to worry about having to fit stuff in before such a time because I have to be at work in the afternoons. Reading far into the night sounds so electrfyingly pleasing right now that, it's all I can think about and how short of that dream is from becoming realized once again.

Steady Does It

Today was a reminder of the days gone past and not in the good way where it's reminiscing of the good ol' days gone.  There is no wonder I've been depressed and felt the weight of the world and multiply that by two. I had been shackled--chained so hard and tight, unable to wonder off...to breathe, couped up in my apartment, without seeing the blue skies, inhaling the fresh air, cut off from everything that is human and emotionally inspiring. Everywhere I went, every turn I took lead me to another dead end with a greater disappointment and no smiling face to encourage me to do better. Instead it encouraged to be ashamed of myself, grow uncomfortable in my own skin and mind, imprisoning me further into the depths of hell. Questioning my own purpose and beginning to feel like there was no reason for my existence at all. Psychological hell is so shattering to the human psyche, to the mind, and physically debilitating at the end that you are just awful. You're no different than the log that's lying on the ground.

The Worst Monday

And it's the wrong way to start the day, the week, late, heaved, derailed, melancholy, home, sleepy and regretful.

So, instead, just few hours away from work, instead of finishing I should have finished, I'm left with this gaping hole of failure, a voice screaming inside my head "see, I told you so. You can't keep it up". It's fall, my favorite season, it's raining and gray, my favorite weather and my favorite person is on to talk to me and...here I am...moping and feeling sorry for myself, trying to reason that it's justifiable, probable and that I can catch up.

How wonderful it is to actually do things again after a weekend of not doing anything in particular. Yesterday night, I partially did my list of things to do as I had a solemn promise to myself to do a ton of reading (which as of yet have only read several pieces of poetry an an essay, along with news articles) and no writing whatsoever (except a mini blog entry and a mini journal entry). This morning though, waking up a little earlier (still late though) getting through laundry, my vocab, grammar readings, dream journal, journal, blog, essay reading, poetry reading....and I am on a roll and it's not even two in the afternoon. With just my reading and writing left to do...I feel good today, unlike the past two days of just dealing with house work and going out :)

It's a wonderful fall day here, it's sunny but crisp, I have a cup of hot coffee that fills my home with a roasted smell that is to die for. Irem and I bought Halloween/Fall themed decorations from Target :) We filled them with popcorn and more and more, everyday my apartment feels like a home.It's grown comfortable, cozy and warm. With the orange pumpkin door-mat, Frankenstein (improperly named) candy dishes, a pumpkin lantern, towels decorating every inch of my tiny kitchen. My laundry folded, I am happy today. Sitting on the floor, sipping from my coffee and with a conference call over Skype going on, my hot water on the stove, the hissing sound brings comfort to my soul, reassuring me I'm home once more. Dickens, await my return from the Arbotoreum to fall into your possessive and eloquent language, where my heart resonates and finds it's home in it's nooks of commas and words like thither, hither.

Happiness comes in small packages, only just as fleetingly.

Veterans' Museum

Sometimes it's hard to remember the past and acknowledge you've been wronged and you've wronged.I guess it's as natural as it comes in human nature, but it's a whole different issue when it comes to actually dealing with it's heavy burden. I don't know how many hours for how many years I've thought about this very same topic. For way too many hours for a very long time. Unfortunately there is no short, precise cut answers. There is no formula as cliche as that is. Righting wrong is even more difficult to manage as you can never go back in time and pretend something that is broken, isn't broken. Once a vase is broken, it's broken no matter how much you glue it together. Memories...the sting they carry, the way they creep up on you in your dreams, to haunt you in your waking hours and to wound you as the present carries it's momentum, blurs and lack of hindsight to further put you into trouble, missing it's significance altogether. The only that emerges is that love can be, is often sacrificed and should be in the bigger picture of the things that seems to lie behind us and will be revealed throughout the course of the time as we, ourselves unfold.

Yakup, I miss you.

Full Circles

And I've come back a full circle. I've ended exactly where I started off three and a half years ago. It seems like my life (like everyone else's) is just a repetition of themes that has been decided long ago. The invisible hand of the free market seems to have moved into my personal market of miseries, sorrows and lessons to be learned and relearned.

So what is different from the last time I stood at the beginning of the circle, started to draw a wider circle than before. Which inevitably, this time around the circumference will be larger. There aren't many changes, usually they're minor exception of one big thing; I'm on my own now; sometimes it makes a little difference, sometimes it makes a world of difference.

Yesterday night, there was melancholy in reminiscence. I am not particularly fond of realizing the one thing I wanted to hold on to just slipped through my very hands, eroding as I paraded it around in my hands for everyone to see.It was bitter to come into recognition and realize what I have lost cannot be replaced ever, or replenished as the well has long been dried up beyond repair or leaving any hope for a possibility of recovery.

So then, what is left and what do I do? Particularly not much. I learn from my mistakes, wait until my bruises fade away and continue to gallop around my widening but more threatening circles of life, themed far beyond my plotting and without the ability of my interventions.