Dedication

Dedication is quite a simple word. Many of us use it in and out time and time again in our life times. But how dedicated are we and what are we dedicated to? What kind of dedication do we expect and require from others? I think dedication is one of those principles in life that determines who we are and what we are. It determines our life dreams and the our capabilities as individuals.

Dedication was something I did not have. I might have persevered in life throughout various means and times, but not through my dedication to life. Dedication is something I am coming to learn the true meaning of and what it means in practical life and what it means to have it. The only dedication I've seem to have in my life is towards my mother which has in the past wavered, though my hope is that it won't be thinned out n the future. Secondly to my writing. For the past three years, I've been consistent in my dedication to my writing. For the first time it was a conscious decision and it was something I've been able to follow up throughout the test of time thus far. Though my enduring wish is for it to  continue no matter how busy and difficult my life may get. I have devoted countless hours, shifted all of my efforts and all of my available time, if not have created the time for my writing. I have spent every available penny, if not available have taken the money from other parts of my life to supplement to writing. Whether it be purchasing novels, quizzes or books on writing, workshops and the such. I've deemed a top priority of mine and have resolved to make it the dedication of my life. No matter what, whether I get published or not, whether I become a bestseller or not, whether I become a critically acclaimed writer or not, writing is something I've decided to dedicate my life to. That means reading, writing, learning and honing my craft to the best of my abilities for the rest of my life. Of course anyone who writes a word wishes to be recognized for his or her abilities and skills and I am no different. But whether I do will not and shall not become a determiner of my dedication. My reward is my courage to write down, my presumptuous attitude that continues to think I can get better and seeing the fruits of my labors on a completed work even if no one else gets to read it besides me. That in itself is enough reward for me to continue to work, because without writing, I am incomplete.

Finding something to dedicate your life to is difficult and often requires time. But it is of most essential thing in your life to do, no matter what it is, find something that you want to dedicate your life to. And always, while you dedicate your life to one particular thing, have a plan B that will not leave you stranded in the middle of the deep ocean. Modern world is too cruel to give you a life boat.

Spring

Much to my happiness and relief, spring is here. I've been waiting for spring since well, January. Winter hasn't been kind to me this year. It has just ground me to the floor. Spring has been kind to me thus far and the weather has entirely warmed up and the happiness has been sifting up gradually everyday for me. I like this, I've been feeling so low for so long now, spring is like my Godsend gift. Rainy season is here and I love the rain. There is something magical about it that requires a post on its own. Spring has traditionally been associated with rebirth, happiness and love. I don't quite much care about love at this stage of my life, but happiness and rebirth is something that is befitting me at this point in my life...a little too well. Rebirth has been the theme of my life since March. It's kind of cyclical of my year, though it doesn't always coincide with spring. Sometimes, spring has been the time of my most depressing hours. But, this year around it's different. I want to be out, I want to mix with the rest of human population, take inspiration from nature and find and express myself with vivid colors that the winter can't carry.

Colors, rain, long walks, here I come. Embrace me tightly.

After Finals

In Madison, every semester, there is a phenomena which I call After Finals. Quite obvious for anyone who has ever attended a college town.

For those who don't know anything about Madison and Wisconsin in general, let me be your intro person, which I shall do so gladly. Madison is a mid size city in the Mid-West that happens to have University of Wisconsin-Madison in it. It is in short a college town that is a rare find in the U.S. Public transportation and biking are prevalent in Madison. Streets are built to grant easy access to both, without endangering the cyclists and forgetting pedestrians. We love cheese and beer here. We also have thousands of lakes, parks, recreational activities and are community based. Most neighborhoods are safe, people are friendly, coffee is always good and mostly a lot of intellectuals reside in Madison. There of course are about fifty thousand students living, working, studying in Madison.

Students pretty much have invaded anywhere in Madison-Downtown. Not that it's a bad thing at all. The only drawback is that, when the finals are over and especially in Spring, it's like the downtown has turned into a mini village, somewhere in the middle of nowhere.

Now that finals are over and summer has officially begun in Madison with the great weather we have been having here, there are minimal number of students left (this is not to say that there are no students left, there are plenty of students still living in Madison during the summer) and it feels a little empty, nostalgic and a little sad.

I am used to seeing the streets of Madison booming with students from Undergrad to Post.Doc. and everythingin between. The crazy drunken nights, the bars that are filled to full capacity, the restaurants that are always busy, the Memorial Union that never ceases to amaze me with the number of guests it can hold.

Well, till July, then students will slowly begin to return :)

Age 25

Happy birthday to me! It's great to be a quarter century years old. Let's see far far I'll eventually get in this world. I have so many hopes and dreams for this year. To many 25 years :)

Rain

It's quite ironic, I was thinking and writing about spring and the rains it will eventually bring and the moment, walking out of this coffee shop, magic awaited me. I was cupped up in this great, but a coffee shop nonetheless the entire Sunday afternoon; and a brilliant rain had awaited me and finally greeted me. I must say, I couldn't help but laugh and smile. It was impossible to not laugh and give my thanks upwards. Also it was difficult not to see my luck in the process. I should have wished for something else, but then that wouldn't have made me, me. Sometimes though, I definitely feel like I should change my character more. Life would have been completely easier. Though would I write then--that is the billion dollar question of my mind.

Anyways, I am digressing and I should really try to highlight the beauty of the rain. It was a warm evening and the skies were gray, but that lovely hue it has with pink undertones seeping through the clouds, signalling a wondrous day that will be waiting for us in the morrow. I think that really hit me then. Spring was truly here. As I walked home, I took off my slippers, continued bare foot, undid my hair tie and let my hair soak with rain drops. Through layers and layers of old habits, old thoughts, old feelings and all of my unhappiness shed. The small cherry trees and acacia trees lines my path like some sort of divine intervention. Have you ever smelled of an acacia tree as it rained? Oh, such a twinging but a beautiful scent. It just made me happy for no reason at all, well other than the fact that it was raining and a rain that I could still walk without getting soaked.

So life, seems to hold on to me, and it says to me, if you just patiently wait, do what you can, small surprised will greet you. There will be a better tomorrow if you can just get through today, no matter how hard that it may be.

Aysegul

Aysegulum, bugun senin dogum gunun, nice mutlu senelere! Seni hepimiz inan cooook seviyoruz!

Sen girdigin her insanin hayatina isik sacip,onlarin dertlerine inan derman bulup, baska yerlere goturebiliyorsun. O bilinen kaftanlari giymektense, baska yeni kaftanlari dikip, onlari insanlara gore yapip oyle giydirip, onu bile baska bir turlu bakmasini sagliyorsun. Dunya gozu denen seyi, aliyorsun ve insanlara cok yeni baska pencerelere acmayi beceriyorsun. O kadar degerlisin ki, anlatmak cook zor! Nice mutlu yilara Pambigim

Jealous Husband

I've been seeing this quite often as of late. It's something that has got me to think thoroughly at night and in the morning, and of course through the oddest times when I am around those with children at events and such. I don't know if this was more common before my time, of it it's more common now.  But what's been crudely observable is the number of husbands who has become jealous of the time their wives spend with their children.

Pretty silly sounding--I know. At first I thought it was my skepticism towards marriage that was talking. But I dedicated a considerable amount of time and thought and the conclusion still remained the same.

While I understand the need and desire to be with a partner, considering those who marry, marry with all intentions and prayers to marry for a life time (at least the people I personally know, I am sure there are exceptions to this) and people remain together long after their kids head off to college and to lead their own lives. Regardless of my own interpretation and beliefs on love, most of us desire for someone to understand us and be there for us in our times of need and happiness. It's human nature to share those moments as much as selfishness is. But, children I think will always take the priority as it should.

While that's another topic for another day, it's quite strange to see jealous husbands act strangely towards their children and wives due to the influence of the green eyed monster that seems to create scales on their bodies.

Watching all of these husbands get frustrated, complain and then desire to be with, younger, childless women as fascinating as that is, it is also worrisome. I've mostly believed that while mothers' interest and capacity far oversees fathers' in most cases, lately this seems to produce enough evidence for me to restart considering single parenthood. Fathers' interest in their children, though altered tremendously since the beginning of the olden days, seems still shallow in consideration of what I know of mothers. Obviously my experiences are not universal and I am talking of rather a highly subjective observation.

The worst of my experiences has been the bad treatment of children by their fathers in order to take out their frustration. I obviously don't mean abuse, however you know those moments of snapping, bad mouthing, sometimes slacking of their duties as a father and the son and so forth. These little demons, wrapped in a blanket of joy, seems to take all of the fun of living together and come in the middle of all special times to make it all about them. The best years of their lives as a couple seems to be ruined by their tiny existences which makes their life turn around these little monsters. Fathers seem to complain more about this than the women I know, not to say there aren't women who wishes they had more time to themselves. But still, they are still happy with the way their lives with, with a tiny hand to hold their hand through life.

So, what kind of father will you be? A jealous husband, or a loving father, above and beyond?