Tahminler

Insanin tahminleri dogru olucan ne yapsa? Sevinmeli mi, yoksa uzulmeli mi?

Road Trips

This road trip with the family is not going to be as lucrative as it initially appeared to me. I can already foresee so many problems occurring, initially and the most significant one being those who are driving to be sleep deprived and secondly the matter that we're leaving in the blindness of the night. Not to mention our hereditary trait of shot nerves, agitated mood swings and rather flabbergasted attitude problems that occur nearly hourly, everyday--especially that of my father who has zero personal skills. I am regretting my decision to go to this thing as I am deliberating all the things that could go wrong and the things I am praying that never happens. This just started to sound way too risky for me. Is it too late to withdraw? I am afraid to find out by incurring my mother's anger.

To Heal

To heal, takes a long time in many different shapes and sizes, gradually, happening all at once, overlapping one another. It can't be really broken down to chapters like books or episodes of T.V. series. You have to do a little bit of everything eventually, even testing it out once more to see if you've healed, putting the healing you've done up to this point to risk, to further get hurt and taste pain.

So, I've been healing slowly and rather filled with bumps, due to my haste and impatience, a little bit of cowardice is included as well. But, slowly I am picking up the pieces, smoothing out the sharp edges, finding the right glue, figuring out where things go, properly and taking my time in between pieces, with little haste this time around. I've still got much left to go, but nothing beats the caring words of a close friend and the soft lap of a mother who only has warm things to say to you, even though they might be hard to hear at first due to self loathing, hating or whatever might be the case per individual case.

I've ever thought that where my parents will actually heal any part of me, physically, mentally, emotionally or psychologically as it has been known to abuse me rather, with it's chaotic and crude nature and treatment of people. But this time around, it has done me somewhat well. It hasn't become sanctuary or anything, or rather, I have discovered a new sanctuary; my mother. So with it, brings new powers and new capabilities that I had overlooked. A new encouragement is something that many of us, including me don't appreciate.

I am determined to be healed thoroughly this time around.

I have  a feeling, maybe things will be okay

bagirmak istiyorum, hemde son seste

Today, I hate you more than ever...

How much longer, how much further can you keep oppressing the nervous voices in your mind?

Do you know what exactly is in your heart?

I should not be fancying of rewriting Sailor Moon right now!

Aclik

Acligin o kadar cok degisik cesitleri var ki...ama en onemliside...bildigimiz asil aclik. Masada yada oturma odasinda oturupta mutfaktan gelen tavuk veya vs. gibi gelen etlerin kokularina icimize cekip, "ya hadi, yemek hazir degil mi, anne, anneanne vs" deyip sabirsizlaniyoruz. Cogu zaman elimizde olanlarin kiymetini bilmeyen bir varligiz biz insanlar. Yoklukla bile buyusek, cok cabuk alisip, olmamanin nasil birsey oldugunu unutup, geride kalanlari anlamaksa bir hayal oluyor. Dogruya dogru, tok acin halinden ne anlar? Anlamaz. Mutfakta hazirlanan yemeyi beklemek bile sabrimizi zorluyor cogu zaman bizim...hadi olsada yesek...hayal ediyoruz bogazimizdan gecen lokmalalari. Heyecanla onumuze gelicekleri bekliyoruz. Ama kacimiz her gun dusunuyoruz ac, susuz olanlari, evsiz bu sogukta disarlarda yasayanlari? Yada baskalarinin yaninda, "siginti" kelimesini verdigimiz insanlar? Onlar ne yapsinlar? Onlarin bunlara karsi durucak gucleri yok, isyan edicek takaatlari bile kalmamistir buyuk bir ihtimalle. Ya onlar napsin? Kacimiz onlari dusunuyoruz, sonrada icimiz burkulup aclar icin birseyler yapmaya calisiyoruz? Kacimiz buna gercektende dur demek istiyor?

Contract

It's a lot harder than people think it is to spit out what is in your heart. Especially to put them in eloquent words and have them make sense in a way that most people could understand and relate to. Doing all of this seems impossible when it seems like an extremely challenging task for one to truly feel something, genuinely and to recognize that feeling and do something about it. We hardly understand our feelings minutely. As Virginia Woolf once said, we only understand the nature of our own feelings in a backward glance (of course I paraphrased here). The greatest length one can come it seems to me lately is to discover one's own lengths and the depth in one's own soul; the light and the darkness. To know, to understand, to accept one as she or he is...and to properly react according to such knowledge...it's wisdom beyond age and something only so few people able are able reach and achieve.

So, what is in my heart, in the depthness of my soul? What is it that lies beneath what I see in the mirror? How do I reach it and how do I come to terms with it? Is acceptance of the bad applicable and the right, justified choice to have anyway? What does it say about human nature and our own views on it? What we think about good and bad, pure and evil? Is it better to know one's evil and accept it and move on then to continually to change the person one is, regardless of the truth one clearly sees day in and day out, through the double sided mirror, shining through the moonlight? Does that make you a liar..if so is that acceptable? Should one down in misery in hopes to be good by denying everything about one's self? Is it better to just go ahead and be happy and be this person who behaves badly?

....

I'd like to be able to breathe finally!
Oh, dear God!

Okyanus

Aksam karanliginda okyanusta yuzmek gibi birsey. Kiyiya tutunmaya calisa calisa, uzak bir yerlerde gordugun ay isiginda bir karaya dogru yuzmek gibi...ama ne kadar yuzersen yuz, bir turlu yaklasamamak gibi. Yaklasamiyorum bir turlu. Icinde bogulup duruyorum. Kalbimin ustunde bir agirlik, yuregimin icinde kanamasi durmamis bir yara ve hala daha nasil durdurabilcegiminden emin olmadigim bir yara...
Ustumden kaldiramiyorum, cok agir geliyor artik yaptigim kendi yanlislarim...kacmaktan yoruldum artik.