dugum, dugum gene hersey.

Mutlu gunler birakma beni buralarda :)

Mutluluk geldin..gitme gene oyle sonbahar ruzgari gibi.

Son bahar tum sicakliyla burda.

huzun ve aci dolu kalbim.

bu gune kadar Turkiye'nin kadin, ozelliklede dogudaki kadinlarin yasadiklari, siyasette ve mansette olanlardan konusmamayi sectim. Cunku tam olarak kendimi bir turlu ifade edemiyecegimi saniyordum.
Halbuki, sustukca bunun Turkiyeye bir yarari yok. Susunca, gormezden gelmek birsey oluyor. Buda benim hayatta bakis ve anlayis tarzima...ters. Kendi kendime ironiye dusuren bir durum oluyordu.
Evet, Turkiyede butur seyler oluyor. Namus adina, tore adina kucucuk kizlari, yasli baslia kadinlari olduruyorlar.Okula gondermiyorlar, kizin yeri evmis diye. Berdel diyorlar, evlilik diyorlar, mal gibi aliyorlar ve satiyorlar.
Aslinda susmamak lazim. Bunlari bir bir anlatmak lazimki, bu durumlar degissin. Yoksa mentalitede, hukukta, kuralda degismez.

bazi seyler, ya hep, yada hictir. Ya hep vardir, yada hic yoktur. Ask gibi.

Insan ust uste, tekrar tekrar sefki kirilinca, emeginin karsiligini almayinca, saygisizliga ugradiginda, onemsenmediginde ve bunu karsi taraf cok bariz bir sekilde yaptiginda, deliler gibi sevsende, asktan kordugum olsada icin, gonlun bir yerden sonra el vermiyor daha fazla aci cekmeye. Istesende, istemesende, icinde o aska dair birseyler oluyor.
Bitiyor.
Ne yaparsan yap, tekrar onu canlandirmak, nerdeyse imkansiz birsey.

Kalbim cok kirildi ve gene gozuken yol bir. Ama bu sefer gucumun beni cok daha fazla ileriye goturebilcegini dusunmuyorum. Tekrar dondum sana ama, sen hep cok hirpaladin beni.

Baska ruyalara dalip, yeni dunyalar yaratmaya basladi kendine.

Ask bir kor dugum gibi.
Baglanirsin, ve ait hissedersin kendini. Hic bir zaman cozulmucekmis gibi gorunur gozunde.
Sonra, birden bire o kor dugumler cozulur.
Geride ise, burusmus kurdeleler kalir.

Biliyorum aslinda,
yazik,
hemde cok yazik,
senin icin akan her damla yasa
ama, yapicak birsey yok.
akiyorlar bir bir
cunku hep kalbimi kiriyorsun

Oturupta, sana anlatmak zor,
cunku sen oyle bir adamsin.
Hep duvar, hep bir mesafe
biliyorum
hic bir zaman icin
senin icin o olmucam ama
benimde hakkim bu degil.

kafan daginikken, bazen yapabilcegin tek sey alip birakip gitsin.

Gene agladim senin yuzunden bu aksam...

a little full and tired. feels a little empty on the inside.

Full and sealed tight shut.
It keeps piling up. While we grow afar, separate and hope that time stands still, minutes rush by us like the great northern wind.

Bir kahpe tokat gibi hayat carar yuzune,anlarsin tekrar tekrar o sezdiginin dogru oldugun, her ne kadar tamir etsende artik bir sey kirlmistir ve geri donusu yoktur. Hastadir, ve iyilesmesi mumkum degildir. Daha dogrusu, curumustur ve geri donus imkansizdir. Artik bir sekilde olecektir, kopacaktir ve bitecektir...o gune dek, tutunuyorsun, tutunursun sikica, ellerinin icinde tutup, gogsunde tutarsin, buyutursun butun sevginle...ama sen ne kadar goz yasi doksende, zamani dolmustur. Bitmeye mahkumdur.

the tiresome moments find cracks to seep in,
from the most vulnerable spots
the deadliest silence
Unsettling they are,
at first you don't catch them
then they grow on you and shock you endlessly
you learn to let go and live with them
then they're there all the time
it becomes hard to ignore it and turn the blind eye

Sometimes the day just doesn't start off right and on other days it starts off perfect.
Then, you just stumble to bring the rest of the day to a close. You just can't wait to go back home and fall into your couch, crash into your bottle of red wine, or bourbon, or gin or whatever it may be, and just do nothing but stare out of the window, to the white wall where there are no patterns to figure out. Just stay still and let it just all come undone, let it pause, be still, be quiet.
Sometimes day just starts off in that beautiful sunshine, with a goodnight's great sleep and wonderful dreams that you just can't bring your mind out of, you have a great breakfast, you get some early work done, cruise around on the net, your lover pays you a middle of the day visit, just because he can and he makes you fly to clouds and see the rainbow when it ain't raining. Then, it falls apart unknowingly, unsettlingly and without a notice. Then you just can't finish everything else that's on your to do list. It keeps compiling up and all you want to do is wrap a blanket around you and disappear into the night but the reality keeps calling and all you can do is divert it's attention for long enough while.

Poppies

red like poppies...a little hopeful and eccentric, a little shy to the moonlight.

so tired and extremely discouraged today.

time is fluid...one way though no matter how fluid it is.

icinde kopar isyan.

happiness is a singular term.

and sometimes all you can do is look to tomorrow.

I am having a difficult time again...a little sadness and a little bit more of everything else. more obstacles keep piling up and things just get to people...me. I am not sure how much longer I can hold on.

And sometimes at the worst possible moment you come to a realization--you don't belong. You principally and wholeheartedly do not belong and have different urges to fulfill. The world becomes lonely and it becomes harder to reconcile differences. There is nothing anyone can do about it. For the past 23 years of your life, you wonder about and see the subtle differences. You should be like them, because they have created you and have given you your first moldings. But then your eyes open and you see it here and there, tiny little pimple heads poking their head out of the surface. You ignore them, and turn the blind eye. After a while they start adding up, again and again. It becomes harder not seeing them. You have to constantly make a mental note to not see it, put in effort to tell yourself that there is nothing there, denying the truth. Then it comes unraveling at the worst time. It unravels so fast you don't know what hits you. Its horrible and then it sinks in. You and them belongs in two different worlds. Two very distinct and separate worlds.

and then there is nothing. you grow numb over the years of torture. your heart learns not to listen to it be bothered by it. Then once in a while....the wound runs so deep that it will throb under neath pounds of cold meat.

Icinde kapkara, upuzun, dibsiz bir kuyu vardir...o kuyunun icinde sesler dalgalanir, yankilanir ve birbirlerine karisirlar. Icinden kucucuk bir sembol eski gunleri, taaa derinlerden cikari verir. Bir bir burnunun diregini sizlatir, gozlerini doldurur yasla. Tekrar hatirlarsin o eski gunleri, yasarsin teker teker, en eskiden, en son guzel gune kadar. Kirilmis olan sevgin, uzulmus olan sevgin, kaybolmus mutlulugun ruhunu esir alir. Halbuki sana arta kalan sandece hatiralar..cunku o eski gunlerden ruzgarda savrulmus kirintilar geri kalir.

When there is that small voice that gradually grows over and cripples your happiness, hi-jacks your thoughts, you should give it a moment to reconsider and reanalyze it.

Relationships are like books. They have a beginning, a climax and a resolution. Duration of the book, one marvels in it, admires and lives vigorously through another's life. But the experience is limited, doomed for an ending. Sometimes they end happy, and sometimes they end in destruction. And rarely in a mutual dissidence. No matter the result, there will be an end. All relationships come with an expiration date. Therefore, marriage is antiquated and is unconventional for women in the 21st century.

So, getting ready to go back to Rochester for my uncle's wedding. I am not quite looking forward to the train ride back home. Its going to be about 16 hours. Yeah, not the quickest ride in the world. However, one must do what she must.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and my head has been swimming in a lot of thoughts, creative inspirations and some philosophical thinking. ( I have two literature and one ethics class to thank for that). Good thing I like contemplating.
Well I am off for now, hopefully I'll be back with more posts.

And then every now and then, there will be small signs that questions our sanity.

Its late again, another night, another set of questions, perhaps the continuation of those from the previous and the night previous to that? who knows. I can hardly keep up.
A cup of warm tea, and nightmares knocking down my door, ghosts of the past tap on my window and my own sanity becomes a crucial point to my own existence. Do I exist? Am I there?
There is a tapping in my own heart, which resonates with my soul. A fresh breath of air...seems I am out of those. I am in desperate need of one.
Its late, another night, another studying but questions just drill holes in my mind. Is it really...then what can we really know???? Its a confusing world out there and the more we try to put things into order and perspective the harder it seems to make sense of things and the more chaos it is in.
A little guide wouldn't hurt but it seems nothing can appease me now.

Deeply disappointed.

I am deeply disappointed in my classmates in my Women Lit class. After most of the posts I have read in the discussions I am shocked, appalled and baffled. I did not think that women still desired to live in the stereo typical, societal roles and fulfill the expectancies of them so readily and so willingly.
In the 21st century I thought we had made tremendous progress regarding women, and mentality towards women....boy, was I wrong or what?
Even in my Women in Lit. class, whom I thought my classmates were bright young women who were able to see beyond constraints of morality and social norms.
But it looks like women like entrapping ourselves in the norms more than anyone else.

My Essay is finally coming along. I have spent far too long time on this to let it fail.
Such a difficult essay this was though.
Now with more alterations and then editing the word choice, and then going through the spelling of certain characters I should finally be able to complete it and begin my women in lit class essay.

had a wonderful day today. Only if my neighbors weren't there to ruin it for me. Always can count on them, always.
Days like these make it all worth it.

So brittle we are, and so little our happiness are attached to. Like a balloon filled with helium, with strings attached, we hold on to it, and the least moment we expect, it flies out of our palm and into the vast blue sky, leaving us behind forever, and for eternity to chase after while looking up, trying to find it.
Hardly, any one of us know true happiness in the chaos of our worlds. Fleeting emotions, ever changing thoughts, the right way to think about things and the wrong way to feel about our lives. How do we find and savor that one moment, a pure bliss and our perfect zen so that we can be in peace, harmony and experience happiness? In the modern world, I find not even one second as such emotions.

Not sure, not sure at all.

Anlamazsin, anliyamazsin.

Random tiresome ramblings

Lonesomeness can do much to the human psyche.
It can be good and it can be bad, detrimental depending on the person.
It is however good in small increments as it allows one to really think and value and assess one self.

Being around and dependent on others, crowding the mind and physical space can do much to tire the mind and the soul, not to mention physically as well.

I was never able to understand the attachment one feels strongly to be around others, always and always with someone, taking care of them, spending time, and amidst the large number of people, losing one's self, becoming hazy, and vanishing into thin air, by physically there. It seemed too dangerous and rather self scrutinizing to me.

One should cherish and and look forward to such times to gather, to spread and to really come to ones self. Analyzing thoughts and actions, going over much needed solitude to rest and plan.
Just to be one's self...really not much other than that at the very least.
Much to plan and think over, much to hope for and to get out of our chests sometimes which is best when alone between the four walls of our own self imposed prisons, in which we look forward to the safety and security of our homes. To place, to unwind and float down the soul.
Required.

kirildi gene.
kirik.

cam kirklariyla beraber
gene savruldu.

In the youth's passion, the diligence of the old age, when combines makes for a mighty person.
Only, when utilized though.
Through all these years, and the revelations life makes upon each individual is different, colored in different shades, hues and comes through different packages to suit and altered the individual choices made past through present.

When a heart is broken, it is hard to mend it. Such words can leave a big imprint on the heart and make the mind lose control.
Such words might come out of the mouth so effortlessly, without maybe much of a connotation, or thought, but it is nonetheless detrimental to the hearer's heart.
And nothing can be like before, after hearing such words.
It sears ones heart.

Midnight vehemence

What is this feeling in my chest, that disables me to sleep at night? I am shaky, jittery and paranoid. Its this heaviness on my heart that I can't handle always a doubt, always a question in the back of my mind. Rest, trust and certainty all have left me. This pain never ceases always lurks away from a corner at my most susceptible moment. maybe its time to say farewells

So vivid and so malicious.
How could one might be so?
Time passes by and life goes by.
We're left to wonder through
trying to connect the dots of our lives
through what we remember
through what has left an imprint.
An imprint of a mere mili-second, nothing more and nothing less.
Yet it is all that remains of us,
of our lives
of our accomplishments
and then we disappear with the dust
back to ashes
to where we came from.

Then, there are those that we forget
that life challenges
and rips away from our memories
searing it with pain and agony
searing it with bitter sweet aftertaste
just so it can entangle us more
suffocate us.

Just so.

How can it be so?

Goz yaslari kuru degil ki.
Nedense aki veriyorlar boyle en umulmadik zamanda, tamda mutlu oldum, rahat rahat yasayim derken, o anin tadini cikarmaya calisirken, kendini gene boslugun icinde bulu veriyorsun, gene bin bir tane soru, gene bilinmeyenler, ve karanligin feleginde buluyorsun kendini.
Hayat bu, hic belli olur mu? Oluyormu?
Imreniyorum belkide bir anda, bazi insanlara..evet evet bunu iyi anladim son zamanlarda.
Herseyleri hayatta istediklerine gore, planladiklari gibi gidiyor. Elbette zorluklarla, ama istedikleri gibi oluyor genede. Plan yapip o planlari gerceklestirebiliyorlar.
Bense, sanki evren herseyi durdurmak icin butun guclerini onume koyuyor. Durdurulmasi gereken bir azinliymisim gibi.

Hayat bu, belimi olur? Belkide donu verir sans?

and sometimes there are such magical nights with loads of fun and laughs shared by intimate gestures make everything seem worth it, and unrealistically good. And for the sake of those moments, we live through our misery drenched days, hoping to the glistening hope in sun's rays and the Full Moon's glory.

Such breath taking seconds that it is.
I am hopeful towards all.

Paychecks could be so nice.

Heyt len, teker teker gelin hepsi birden ustume ustume cullaniyorlar.

Second day of the new year.
Funny how time just flies by and before you know it, you end up at the end of time table, date line, due dates.
Incredible how life is weaves so many yarns at the same time.