In Preparedness

I am excited that we only have one more week in this apartment. It looks wretched, hallow and frigid now, as the way things are. Boxes that I am thrilled to open and place in my new apartment, new things I've secretly bought, saving here and there to use, over the course of the year. This place, I am not going to be sorry leaving it behind. Maybe, it will be a near relief to see them tear this place down in order to make a new high rise.

There is barely any space left to take a step and everything is a bit of a mess. I am tired of waiting and really feel as if there is not a drop of patience left. I am always mad, always angry. I just can't seem to do things right and overreact when I truly don't want to.

Uncared

I can't believe Ramadan is ending. I didn't think the month would have gone past by so quickly. It wasn't the greatest when I had to suffer through physicals and what not as I was fasting, It's been great that nearly the whole month, the first two weeks especially have been cool, which was like a well in the middle of the desert.

I don't particularly have great hopes for this Eid, considering that there isn't much to do or many others we could actually  celebrate it with. I don't know that if we'll even do anything as this goes the way they are.

Locks of Hair, Clicks of Time

I cut off a big chunk of my hair in May, right before our wedding ceremony. It's August and it's grown about two inches since then. Continuity of time continues to surprise me, it's always outside of my grasp and conviction. I can never pace myself accordingly and time slips by despite of me.

So much has happened since then. It feels like a long time and really, yesterday at the same time. I can't believe the fluidity of it all.

Here's to healthy hair and a healthy well being, misunderstood, misconceived measures of time.

A dab of Organix Moroccan Oil.

New Order of Things

I've decided I want to pack my weekdays and loosen up my weekends. I want to do my grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, baking during the weekdays so that on the weekends, I can afford to be lazy. I can do the things I've been meaning to do. I can go see that movie, sleep in, see friends, go see a movie.

Research, read an extra book, have fun, or do nothing at all. But I want time to myself where I can enjoy my new home, my husband and myself. I'd like to begin appreciating the things I do have and possess in my palm. The things we all tend to overlook and in the frustration of the post-modern world, take for granted, because after all, we don't remember a time where we were unable to possess the luxuries that we do have.

I will at least work out once a week, though ideal case would be three times per week, about thirty minutes each. I also would like to start doing Yoga. With my increasing back pains, it's going to come in handy.

Eventually, I'd like to read a novel a week, a short story a week and each day work through vocabulary, grammar, writing fiction related book, free writing, daily writing, observations, and blogging. I'd like to dedicate a good amount of money and increase the quality of my topics and context of my blogs. I'd also like to take a class here and there in the Fall, in whatever form I can afford. I'd like to join a critique group, and begin thoroughly interacting with the writer community in Madison.

I'd like to start Belly Dancing Instructing and getting my business off the ground.
Here's to a year with many hopes, wishes and goals!

Breathing Space

It's tighter, tighter than it's ever been before. But I can feel relief and happiness. I am glad some things are getting better, getting fixed and now we have a plan. Having a plan beats not knowing what the hell is going on and roughly estimate what can be expected.

We will be moving out of here soon, which is going to make me infinitely happier. When I have a new job...all of these things, culminate.

Breathing and there isn't much left to do until we actually move out. Until then I am making changes in the way I want to proceed things, going over what I want to do and what I want to accomplish and giving myself to research, listen to myself and make my schedule. Scheduling and having good blocks of time that I know what must be done and how things must be done.

I will definitely start working out once more, though with which intensity and how often is kind of up in the air. But I'll take even once a week.

So nevermore...

Lemures

Ever since that day, I've been plagued with nightmares. Daily, nightly terrors that keep building upon my anxiety, regret and guilty conscious, I've come to possess since that God awful, fated day in mid June. It didn't take any time to build, instead I woke up with the worst nightmare I had ever envisioned. Then continued to be the assailant of my dreams, night after night after that afternoon. By now it has become an established cycle of truth. I wake up, shaken by what I've seen, curious and worried about what this means and the weakened state of my spirituality. Then I go through what I must to get through the day. That means checking my emails, the news, the important sites of the day and go on to acquiring a job, finding out what course and in what order to take, how much is what going to cost, finish packing process, find this out for that, find this out for S, establish this for that and so on and so forth. I keep myself incredibly busy in even a faster pace. It's all so that I don't even take a moment to breathe and remember or give my brain the pause to relapse, remember and think. To feel.

Then the sun sets slowly and turns into a night.  The somber gravity of emotions settles in, I am reminded of my sin and the feelings of such a crushing abyss overtakes, in parts slowly. I delay it as much as I can, until I can no longer physically withstand the pain, the agony and the emotional torture it sacrifices on my body cells. Sleep is rare. Eventually though, I do drift into some sort of sleep state, none that has the ability to recover from my frantic guilt. None that gives me a restful sleep. Nights turn into morning and the restful sleep is no where to be admitted into my body, even if I do end up drifted into sleep. Sleeping is rare though. There is this shadow that lurks behind my heart, the night of my day that as soon as the sun sets and life becomes somber. I am reminded of my own reality, rather the one I must partake in daily, during the hours of the sun.  With the moon, so does my lemures comes out to play. They have been going hand in hand. And on a night such as the one described above, I've made it to the morning. Maybe it's the sun that stumbles on my pain and not the way around?

Tax

It's great to be able to actually get my taxes done. Sometimes when things might not monetarily benefit you, may benefit you other wise in the long run.
To be able to do this at this point in time is a big plus for us.
Thank you.