I really should do some work, but I can't get myself to do it. I keep putting it off. Is it because I no longer can, or is it because I can do just fine at the very last moment, filled with very last hopes?

yaziyorum ama siirlerim bir garip son zamanlarda...duzgun cikmaz oldular...belkide cok dolu oldugum icin, hic bir yerede tamamiyle dikkatimi ve ilgimi veremedigimdendir.
aklim cok karisik, emin olamiyorum ne istedigime dair...her iki tarafta endishelendiriyor, emin olamiyorum hic bir tarafta...bilsem. Birsey beni hep geri tutuyor, ileriye gecemiyor, adimlarim hep bir sekilde geride kaliyor. Tekrar tekrar gecmise yolculuk bu olsa gerek.

Rochester'a gittim ve geldim. Bir ruya gibi gecti. Hic birsey anlamadim. O kadar cabuk gectiki hersey, saatler dakikalar olu verdi. Keske sansim olsaydida, daha fazla kalabilseydim. Annecigim cok kotu oldu...bunu ona yapmaktan hic memnun kalmiyorum...kalbini kiriyor gibi hissediyorum her gidiste. Anne tabi, her anne evladinin dizinin dibinde olmasini ister. Aslinda Elif gelmeyi dusunuyordu, keske gelebilseydi. Bizimkiler o aksam icin bayagi bir hazirlik yapmislardi.Kismet degilmis.
Gelis yolcugunu fazla yorucuydu, hala kendimi toparlayabilmis degilim. motivasyonumu geri depoladikca, kaybolup gidiyor. Bu donem cok yordu beni, gunler parmak uclarimdan kayip gidiyor.
Dakikalar, saniyeler...yorgun hisseidyorum kendimi hep. Yaptikca, daha fazlasi cikiyor ortaya, anlayamadim ben bu isi....aklimi yitirmek uzereyim.
Dogum gunum icin gitmeyi dusunuyorum tekrardan...ama bu olucakmi bilmiyorum, malum hersey ortada...

My time will come too :)

kirma kalbimi,
basma kirilkarima,
desme yaralarimi,
acitma canimi bile bile.

kor kuyu gibidir gonlum,
derinden gelir
nice asinmis duvarlariyla
sizlar en damardan.

hep ayni hikaye demek istiyorum ama degil...diyemiyorum demek daha dogru olur. Icimde dokulmeyi beklyen inci taneleri doldu gene...hersey iyili kotulu ve biraz tatile ihtiyaca, kafayi dinlemeye ihtiyacim var. Aslinda, herseyi birakip, cekip gitmek istiyorum issiz, sessiz, herseyden ve herkesten uzakta, yeniden basla diyor seytan. Geride birak diyor icimden bir ses...ama bazen ayrilmak zor geliyor iste...

Excited to be going home...I have so much to do tomorrow.

Bigger the dream, bigger the person, harder the challenges and more difficult the life. Smaller the dream and so is the scope of your life and perception.

Karmakarisik bir durum bu, ben anlamadim. Anliyamiyorum. Icimden bir ses cok karanlik bir cilginliga dogru gittigimiz hakkinda hic bir suphem kalmadi artik...hakkimizda hayirlisi diyorum...

Yep, back in action and how great it feels to be able to finish a thing or two again :) i am ready to take anything on.

It's funny...how writing works. It is a part of life that it can't escape anyone...patterns submerge in everyone's lives whether we want to see it or not. Whether we see the importance or feel the urge or have the need to write or not...it's always there and it's a part of life that stems from the tree of life.
That's why I love writing...writing brings intelligence and passion together and you have to have both knowledge, I underline knowledge here, not information and experience together where you meld it in the perfect state where words not only ring true in a blanket statement, it awakens feelings that you were not aware and making you think, leaping right into the heart of imagination leading us into a world that's far beyond reality, but mirroring in which everything we pass-by in our own daily lives.

To write, first and foremost, you must inherently have the will to write, desire to express and courage to analyze and critique the things in which communities hold most dear to. You must have open eyes to observe the minute and the most mundane details and to be never afraid of taking that leap to insult.... It is after all what writing is. You live and things have a way of effecting, influencing and changing you; sometimes for the better and other times, most often for the worst. Life takes away far more than it ever gives. It's not kind and giving. It's genuine, but tough. But that's the rawness eloquently put through what makes writing genuine and admirable, artistic and easier to relate to. You have to perfect everything. You have to have a vast working vocabulary, you have to know the mechanics of grammar and be able to manipulate it, you have to possess the knowledge of classics and an imagination that doesn't run out...Writing in itself is God, and is Life.

Okay, well this job expired itself as of today. It took a lot less than usual, considering my record and all. So, I have my tickets purchased for my Rochester trip, which I am looking forward to. It's been almost a whole year since I've been back and I miss my mommy, I missed her a lot...more than I could dare to describe...but it's going to be a good time, it's also at the same time good timing. Awkward how things sometimes work out that way. When I get back on the 12th, I am going to start looking for a new job. This isn't going to happen. It's unpredictable, unappreciative and too cheap. I am not a manager and I am not working at a white collar job. There is no reason why this job should come home with me and should stress me even the slightest. It's doing just that and it's interfering with my own peace of mind, studies and overall well being. No job is worth it.

On another note, I feel a big change coming soon, only if I can get through this semester. This semester is going to be difficult and I need to do well, I need to do more than just well. This semester is the key to the rest of my future.

Basliklar, giris, gelisme ve sonuc...hayat bir essay gibi, yada roman gibi olsaydi aslinda, insanlar hayatlarinin degisik sayfalarini daha kolay belirler, hangisi test, hangisi degil secebilir, sarsintilari hisseder ve onlari daha oncede belirgin bir sekilde cozerdi...ama hayat boyle degil. ama tipki bir hikaye, bir siir, bir roman gibi ansizin bir firtina geliyor, acimasiz bir yazarin muzur aklindan ve sihirli parmaklarindan tamda hayatinin gobegine koyuluyor, engeller, problemler, alinmasi gerekenler, yuzlesinmesi gerekenler, hersey gene, iyi, guzel, saglam ve manali bir roman gibi mukemmel bir yuvarlak olup ikinci levela cikiliyor..aciliyor..ve hayat, roman, siir, hikaye boylece tamamlaniyor. Budaklama zamani geldi; dinlenip tekrar hedefleri gozden gecirip, enerji depolayip, beyni odaklamak, ruhunun gidasini verip, motivasyonunu yenileyip tekrardan calismaya baslama zamani...
zaman, son bahar zamani :) (ironiyi biliyorum, ama sonbaharlarim benim, en mutlu oldugum gunler, ende bana ugurlu gelen zaman :)