Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
I hope you all have a wonderful time with your family and friends, along with those you care for.

Why do I have this eerie feeling inside?
Why am I constantly anxious, and why is my ear constantly waiting for a whisper of words that will inevitable shatter my world?
I can't find rest, I am relentless and there is nothing I find peace in. I am lacking something big in my life, something is a miss and I am forced to wander around, amidst thins confusion and abyss.
Frankly, I am not sure what I could do, or should do for that matter.

The whole bus ride here, I have been thinking about a whole bunch of things and since late night yesterday, I've been on the verge of crying. I was really close to not actually taking the trip back home today, I didn't want to make the trip. I wanted to stay home and shy away from the world, hide and escape. go off to my own world.
I just...am not in the mood for anything although tomorrow is a religious holiday for me.
I should be overjoyed for the matter of fact that I am going home to see family and friends and eat my grandmother's delicious food...I can't find it in me to be ecstatic. I just can't....be what I thought I would be. It isn't working out.

There is so much I want to say, but I just don't have the right words for them.

clustered and cornered, I really have no where left to go, no savior to wait for, and no glimpses of light out of this dark corner. My chances have striked three, and all my cause is hopeless. I am left to wander for eternity in the slums, searching for what ifs.

You know, flowers can be nice once in a while. With the right intentions and a good choice, they could say a lot. After all it is the thought that counts.

falling, falling, falling...

Lost in the nothingness and exhumed in the brilliant dreams sweet beyond imagination.
How can I explain, describe this feeling to you?
Altered by failure and unkept promises to be buried behind.

:/ and what was that suppose to mean?
If that's how you want to go at it, than by all means.

Finding Comfort in Linkin Park.

Ever listen to Linkin Park.
Honestly, including me, everybody knows that they aren't the greatest band alive. Really aren't. Chester sounds horrible in concerts, not just one or two I have been to. Sometimes they have the trashiest fans. Yet, most of them are pretty decent people, more than what I can so to most bands' fan base.
Yet, there is an alluring part of them that keeps me coming back to them. It obviously isn't their crappy music. It's the lyrics. I was first introduced to Linkin Park when I was in High School. Like most, I knew them through their "In The End" song that played relentlessly on the radio. Nonstop. Of course, this was my second introduction to rock. I was already leaning towards rock, metal, and I was at the right mind state too. Rebellious and I had a hatred for pretty much anything that surrounded me. I hated most music, I hated the people in my school, I hated the society we resided in, and I hated people's small minds and their inner conflict in their own swarm.
Linkin Park gave me that dose I was looking to escape. I didn't like Linkin Park because of Mike Shinoda, or their music that less than appeals to me. But, their lyrics. Ah, yes. Their lyrics always hit the spot, at the exact right time. Somehow, their crappy music meeting their brilliant lyrics written by Chester Bennington, made perfect sense, and meshed in amazing chemistry and it was in snych. It made magic. When it came together, it was exactly like, what it needed to be for most of those that are delusional, to prepare our perfect escape out of this world cut square and dry.
There is something about the lyrics that appeals to me beyond the surface. Chester usually writes from his own experiences. His own broken family, and violence he has endured. Not that I have endured any kind of abuse from my family, on the contrary. So what is it? I don't know. It's smooth and angry, its appealing and its dangerous. The lyrics always are vague enough to blanket a large audience but provides enough specifics for us to be lost in it. Rhyming scheme is usually done quite tastefully and their choice of words are always intelligent. It doesn't tick you off, however offers you those tricks to make you fall into their trap. Their lyrics are always fantastic. Music alone, is although quite questionable, and rather ... well only listenable. They aren't the greatest musicians in the world, and their lyrics are rather more exceptional than their music to be quite frank. They know that too I think, and that's why they rely heavily on their lyrical arrangements than their music alone. Most Linkin Park fans will admit, they prefer the lyrics, or that is the reason why they Listen to Linkin Park over anything else.
Now, I haven't listened to Linkin Park in a long time. Over a year.
But coming back to it is always sweeter.
Of course I suffered great dissapointment in LP when they produced their underground and rap albums. I wanted to curl up and cry. I felt betrayed.
However, as artists they have the rights to change their style, and evolve as their individual lives and styles change in order to better suit their needs. After all that is what artists and people do. As artists they have the freedom to create whatever pleases them. As fans, we have the right to like it, or disown it. But regardless a fan of course always has to remain respectful to those who create, instead of those who borrown on those that creates.
I am thankful that they always come back to their roots and to their ever forgiving fan base.
A weird relationship we, fans have with Linkin Park. One that continues no matter what it seems.
Finding Comfort in Linkin Park, is probably like sorts of an addiction to me after all these years.
I just can't stop and its my choice of coping mechanism, however silly that sounds.

There is always something to improve, something to prove, something to fix. There will always be declining, reclining and falling behind. No matter what you do, how sensitive your equilibrium is, or perhaps sturdy--it will be set off. Balance rests on careful formulas, but--inevitably all kinds of balance will break. One day or later. Sooner or later. While you think you're progressing you will always be regressing. While you add on experience, you age. Years are added to your skin, your mind, your heart and your destiny. Sometimes severed sometimes united. While you gain knowledge giving you an edge over the control of your life comes with the realization you can never know everything.
As you progress, you regress. You spend years in school studying, pouring yourself into academics, when you look back, you can probably hardly recall half. Even if you can recall all time will still be lost.
You might be relaxing now but you are not doing anything to contribute to your overall wellness, your knowledge, or your resume.
Life is interwoven like this so no one individual could ever truly walk forward.
That is a myth us, mortals create in order to console our failures in life.

Honestly, I am sick of it all, top to bottom, A-Z.
Not only has it been a long and difficult road, this has taken a total on my min and my emotional state, affects my physical health.
I really, don't know what else to do, or to say. I thought I had already, for the second time had explained everything thoroughly. And adamantly believed it was going to be different this time around.
I had expectations at one point, but I am not so sure of anything anymore.
It's a vicious cycle at the end of the day...truthfully.
I am rendered again.

who would of known?
Feeling down a bit today and a bit wondering around from one thought to the next...I am rather maybe coming back to an original decision.

Unruly.

Computers are a pain, quite simple.
They are supposed to make your life simple and easy, make it more advanced and enhanced for you.
However, really all they bring is headaches and constant maintenance to keep it running efficiently.
You have to constantly update your speed, your program, your users, and what not. You have to make sure you have the right versions of internet browser program, hard drives, disks, bla bla bla.
Really, we are all being controlled and manipulated by technology, especially by phones, and computers.

Loneliness and solitude is found in one's core, and those that surrounds us all.
When you awake early, before the dawn, or have been unable to sleep through the night like most mortals, you sometimes understand night better than any, and come to an agreement with solitude, loneliness.
It's not a sickness, it's not always a negative. It varies. Most would associate loneliness with an anti social person, one that can't get along with others.
Everyone's a bit of a loner, everyone's a bit of melancholy. We are all left to despair and mourn.
The question is, how you deal with loneliness, solitude.
It's good to be alone, where you can have quiet time, peace of mind, listen to yourself, and allow yourself to take a step away, a second's hesitation. After all we're human. We're born alone, and we die alone ultimately. Coping with loneliness is easier than thought. Not requiring someone's assistance, not needing others to be happy is true independence. To deal with life, without the consoling of another. True independence. You surround yourself around people you truly want to be around, those you truly adore and admire. Those you have a true connection with, not whom you need in order to make it through life.
That in itself is freedom, liberty, and independence.

I definitely didn't start the week off the right foot. Everything that could possibly go wrong, went wrong.
I am growing tired of this vicious cycle.

feels awful.
tired, and sleepy, I really have no idea. I had a good night's sleep yesterday night and slept for a pretty long time.

Good-night!

Ladies and Gentleman, nothing is certain even throughout the day.
So when things go perfect as it may seem, the next second, be prepared for the doom.

Wake

Waking up at four thirty really isn't good for your mental and physical health. It's also really bad for your skin too.
I woke up for no good reason, honestly. My eyes just flung wide open.
Then no matter what I did, I just couldn't go back to bed. When I finally did manage to fall into slumber again, I saw a horrible nightmare and woke up crying. Honestly, what is my problem?
Waking up crying isn't really how I wanted to start my day, let alone a friday.
I edited some work on Booksie.com and posted a new piece of poem. It's called "Render" you should go check it out at www.booksie.com/NazireC
Well I am off to read the news and do my daily facial cleansing, and then off to stroll in an autumn day, hopefully not to cold.

Today is a good day..today will be good.
I have finally broken the curse? hopefully. I guess we'll find out in a few hours if I don't fall back into old habit.
But taking that long walk under the sun has done some much needed relaxing and well, sunshine for me.
sunshine is always good as long as you wear your spf 40+ sunscreen.
Ah, maybe things will change? Hopefully..I desperately need them so.
So, Nazire, be the change you want to see.
here goes nothing and everything.
I have to at least try right, and try it the right way :D

And sometimes with even the smallest gestures, tiniest reaction, littlest effort, atomic intention, single word, lesser desire, hope gleams through and lands on your window, nestles in your heart and puts your mind to rest, to ease for the night. For that single night, y ou can go to sleep tightly, in peace while you are sure of at the very least that one thing in your life. That minuscule moment could entirely change your world, your mind, your thoughts, your feelings of your own general well-being, about that particular person, for a time or for a while or perhaps for eternity.
Creases of history, of personal history, comes through indefinite moments that are abrupt and elfish like. Puny little thing, but it can overwhelm you. Like the olive of life. It could be olive sized yet create dramatic changes and could the universe in a different perspective and light in a matter of seconds.
Now that we've gotten deep and all, lets go back to simplicity, the basics, that single gesture.
A singular phone call, at night, before going to bed to say simple words such as: I love you, and I just wanted to hear your voice, those simple words that could pack so much meaning behind them and carry a powerful emotion that could move me to tears easily without doing anything as much as poking me. Something like that could keep a girl at night of over excitement or easily send you to sleep in knowing having found the safe and security one desires in the arms of the

Why isn't my booksie.com account working?

lets have this work out....

interesting...

Random Ramblings...

Its five in the morning why am up? I really would like to have a normal, human biological clock and sleeping schedule. Really it would do wonders for my physical and mental health.
Although I have been putting things back into order and trying to make things work. I am remaining helpful still, after all if one doesn't have hope what are you left with? Things have to work out for me eventually, you can only go down for so long right?...I am hoping so. Other wise, I am going to end up in hell both in this world and the next. Living through hell twice wouldn't sound appealing even to an atheist, let along me.
Somewhere along the line of life, something has go give, and my luck has to turn around an somehow give me one last chance to work things out? Misery can't continue to be a big part of anyone's life for so long. Suffering is accepted and welcomed, but even in suffering people are brought together by incredible moments and something to hold on to. That has to come through for me too...one way or another after I've worked so hard?

and a little bit of luck, a little bit of sunshine.
Woke up to a beautiful sunshine, in November. Blessing in disguise if you ask me, and rather beautiful.
Just to walk around under it and observing the sun, hoping good days around, I do hope this was a precursor to better days, that I desperately need.
Cozy night.

Soguk ruzgarin yuzume carpmasi, kurumus ve dokulmus yapraklarin arasinda yurume, dallari soyulmus, ciplak agaclarin arasindan gecerken sonbahar gunesinin yuzume vurmasi ve azda olsa icimi isitmasi, birer nimet, birer hediye, bir avuc hayat ve yasam.
Saatlerce dolasabilirdim eger su uykusuzlugum olmasaydi, ama bugun gun isiginin altinda yurmek istedim, hissetmek istedim gunesih isiklarini, gormek istedim o sari gunesi, bir morlu, kirli maviyle grili son bahar gok yuzunde. Piril piril, utanmadan, karanliga batmadan onceki hali.
Icim bir an icin kipir kipir etti, sevindi. Hayat yuzume gerimi dondu ne oldu?
Sarayip sarmaladi beni, ve belirsiz sokaklar icinde kaybolu verdim, tutu verdi beni, saklayip gizledi, en buyuk sirri olu verdim. Sonra, bir anda, hic beklenmedik o zamanda yolumu geri bulu verdim.
Sehre dogru, ve geride ise, bir yerde, kirmizi citli bir evin icinde bir soba, bir somine yaniyordu, ve belkide geri baksam dumanini gorebilcektim, kim bilir? Belkide goremicektim. Ama o yanan odunun kokusu ise gercekti. Esrarengizli baharat dukkani gibi cekebilirdi herhangi birini, herkesi. Herkesin derdine sifa olucak dukkanci, bir parfum dukkani, bir kitapci, bir felsefecinin kesfettigi bir yer, bir dindar adamin huzur buldugu mekan, bu yanmakta olan odun kokusu hepsini icerip her yastan ve her kisilikten, iki cinsiyettende insanlari toplayip bagrina basabilcek bir guce sahipti.

Bizse, ona karsi hesap veremicegimizi bilerek, ona gonulden gidip bizip cezbetmesine yurekten razi olduk.

agitated and sick of secrets.

Strained...a lot

tabula rasa?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzXulGX4aMo&feature=sub

blah, I feel awful. Why? I haven't the slightest clue. My head hurts, my body aches, and my eyes are on fire and I am bored ... I have lots of things to do, I just can't seem to get myself to do it.
Crappy Crappy Crappy

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