I struggle...and yet it's sometimes fruitless and futile. I wonder where this will end.
I hope it won't end up hurting me. This is one dream I wish that won't end.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Insomniac
I can't sleep once again. What a surprise? I really thing I've become an insomniac.All these things going through my head, and the wounds in my heart makes it near impossible to catch a good night's sleep. My chest is heavy, and it's an incredibly difficult task to be able to breathe. Harder than you think, at times like these. Nights are hard, days are harder. Just as I believed things were smoothing out, everything became unstable at once. I pass out towards dawn, then of course i wake up a few hours later. Throws me off.
Honestly, I loved how our relationship had become. Why did it crumble like this in a mili second, over nothing? My heart is wavering and it's shivering. I am so afraid that everything will be shattered. I want to protect and progress it continuously. Without an end. I want that heart of yours to warm my fragile and wounded soul once more. I want you to become close to me once again. I miss you. I really do. Right now, I need to see you, I need to hear your voice to calm down, to become myself again. For everything to be alright again. Please, don't let me slip by your fingers. Don't let your relationship have a bitter after taste. That's not how I want things. I want you to hold on to me, cling on to me with everything your whole being has got. You've become such a precious person to me. But you won't do that. Our relationship is one sided and I am an idiot for thinking things can be different. You just like to stand there, watch and judge people. No one is ever good enough and you're the mighty that walks on earth.
Please....I don't know how to fix things, but please let's do it. Why do I even bother? I keep asking myself the same question and I come blank...I love. I do love,but why? For whom? Appreciation matters to me, but forget appreciation, you won't even see me because you're so into yourself. It's always about you, it can never be about someone else.
I've come to realize I passionately, deeply, genuinely love you. Love you more than anyone else. Your whole being has changed a few strings within me, and I am okay with that. I want to be by your side.
I need to see you. I can't wait till tomorrow. Please, let us return the hands of time backwards, to those of the most satisfying, fulfilled, promising and eternally happy days without shadows. But regardless of how I feel and what I want, that doesn't matter because we'll never be okay. Because we've turned the sand glass and the little sand has begun to slip down. We're marching to our end, because I am broken inside and when I am wounded, nothing can console me--not that you're even acknowledging I could be hurt or even giving a second of worry or even an ounce of effort. I don't think I've felt this stupid ever before.
Honestly, I loved how our relationship had become. Why did it crumble like this in a mili second, over nothing? My heart is wavering and it's shivering. I am so afraid that everything will be shattered. I want to protect and progress it continuously. Without an end. I want that heart of yours to warm my fragile and wounded soul once more. I want you to become close to me once again. I miss you. I really do. Right now, I need to see you, I need to hear your voice to calm down, to become myself again. For everything to be alright again. Please, don't let me slip by your fingers. Don't let your relationship have a bitter after taste. That's not how I want things. I want you to hold on to me, cling on to me with everything your whole being has got. You've become such a precious person to me. But you won't do that. Our relationship is one sided and I am an idiot for thinking things can be different. You just like to stand there, watch and judge people. No one is ever good enough and you're the mighty that walks on earth.
Please....I don't know how to fix things, but please let's do it. Why do I even bother? I keep asking myself the same question and I come blank...I love. I do love,but why? For whom? Appreciation matters to me, but forget appreciation, you won't even see me because you're so into yourself. It's always about you, it can never be about someone else.
I've come to realize I passionately, deeply, genuinely love you. Love you more than anyone else. Your whole being has changed a few strings within me, and I am okay with that. I want to be by your side.
I need to see you. I can't wait till tomorrow. Please, let us return the hands of time backwards, to those of the most satisfying, fulfilled, promising and eternally happy days without shadows. But regardless of how I feel and what I want, that doesn't matter because we'll never be okay. Because we've turned the sand glass and the little sand has begun to slip down. We're marching to our end, because I am broken inside and when I am wounded, nothing can console me--not that you're even acknowledging I could be hurt or even giving a second of worry or even an ounce of effort. I don't think I've felt this stupid ever before.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
boom
and so i guess tonight was the night i blew up at the wrong person for the wrong reasons.
my incompetence should never justify my actions against my own mother who has always supported me and tried her best to get me to achieve my dreams. It's not her, but the essence of my own faults and mis-assumptions. *sigh* isn't this quite a bit bad. I've broken her heart. Which will be much harder to mend then other things.
my incompetence should never justify my actions against my own mother who has always supported me and tried her best to get me to achieve my dreams. It's not her, but the essence of my own faults and mis-assumptions. *sigh* isn't this quite a bit bad. I've broken her heart. Which will be much harder to mend then other things.
Bir pazar gunu...
Gunluk gunesliyken, kendini bir karaligin ortasinda ve dahada derine batarken yakalirsin.
Halbuki, bir kac saat once icten gelen kahkahalarin, ve guluslerin evrini isittigini hissetmistin.
Hayallerin vardir, yada belli gunler icin hayal kurmussundur, ama o gun gelip cattiginda ise, planladiklarinin tam tersi olur, hayal kirikligina ugrarsin.
Kendini boslukta, sonu olmayan bir kavramin icinde tikili kalmis hissedersin. Haykirmak istersin, ama bunun neye yariyacagini bilmezsin. Aglamak istedigin icinde kendine kizarsin. Hislerini degistirmeye calistigindada bunun sadece bos caba oldugunu hissedip dahada kaybolursun o boslukta. Kuculur, kuculur ve ufacicik kalirsin. Taki, kendini tanimakta zorlasana kadar.
Lanetlersin boyle olusuna, yemin edersin bu gunlerin gecicegine, dua edersin yarinlar icin. Ama..hepsi nafiledir. O icindeki duygu coktan zaten curumus olan kalbinden hicte derin olmayan yuregine inip, satilmis, eski, ve kirli olan ruhunu esir alip kapkara olan cigerlerini sarmistir. Migdende dolasirken bulandirir, ogurken agzinda ise guclu bir eksi tat birakir. Burnuna mayhos bir koku gelir.
Elinden kacan gidenlerin farkina verirsin o engamenin ortasinda. Ve bugunun ipinin elinden kacirdigin icinde, yarin elinden kacicaklarin aklina gelir. Aksam, yatagina uzandiginda, kalbin sikisir, gozune uyku girmez. Neden girmez? Cunku, aklindan gecen bunlardir. Tekrar tekrar, taki ruhunu soyup, herkesin onunde ciril ciplak birakana kadar. Sansa bak dersin, nede cok egitmeye calismistim su ruhumu, nede cok cabalamistim saklicam diye ruhumu evrenden, dunyadan, bulutlarsan, insanlardan, senden, ondan, bundan, binalardan, toplumdan...herseyden...
Unutursun, unutmussundur, ve unutacaksindir. Insan oglu, mahkumdur dersin, mahkumsundur, ve boyun egersin. Kaderindir. Kim hatirlamis satir satirda, sen hatirlarsin...halbuki resim cekmeye baslamanin en buyuk nededinide bu degilmidir?
Anlayamazsin ne oldugunu, sesin yukselir, yuzun kizarir, ellerin terler, goz yaslarin senden habersiz birikip akar. Teker, teker, teker. Inci taneleri, veyahutta kar taneleri, yada yagmur damlaciklari gibi degillerdir. Neler oldugunu anlamazsin, ve bir kucuck bakistan yara alirsin. Belkide hakkin bile yoktur buna. Karsindaki, yaninda oldugu halde sen millerce otede, uzakta, yanliz hissedersin. Bir cift soz, herseyi alt ust etmeye yetmistir. Emistir, eder, ve edecektir. Doganin kurali. Tamdaki mukemmele yaklastim, yakinlastim, elimdeydi derken..mutluyum derken, kalbinin birer parcasi daha kirlir.
Onarabilirmisin? Onarmak mumkunmudur, bilemezsin ve bir yap bozun, bilinmezin tam ortasina atilirsin tekrardan. Tekrardan, tekrardan. Bunlarin cevaplarini bulabilmek icin yanarsin ama bekledigin cevap hic gelmez. Cunku geldigi anda, senden geri alinir ve bugune kadar bildigin herseyi sorguluyacak baska bir soru verilir sana.
Yorulursun, kolunu kanadini kaldiricak halin kalmaz. Bikarsin, bikmissindir.
Sadece gulumsemek istersin, kalbinin bir kismi agri icinde kaybolup gitmeden. Ruhun aci cekisiyor olmadan.
Dusunmekten korkup kendini dondurmaya gelmeden. Geceleri uyuyabilerekten.
Halbuki, bir kac saat once icten gelen kahkahalarin, ve guluslerin evrini isittigini hissetmistin.
Hayallerin vardir, yada belli gunler icin hayal kurmussundur, ama o gun gelip cattiginda ise, planladiklarinin tam tersi olur, hayal kirikligina ugrarsin.
Kendini boslukta, sonu olmayan bir kavramin icinde tikili kalmis hissedersin. Haykirmak istersin, ama bunun neye yariyacagini bilmezsin. Aglamak istedigin icinde kendine kizarsin. Hislerini degistirmeye calistigindada bunun sadece bos caba oldugunu hissedip dahada kaybolursun o boslukta. Kuculur, kuculur ve ufacicik kalirsin. Taki, kendini tanimakta zorlasana kadar.
Lanetlersin boyle olusuna, yemin edersin bu gunlerin gecicegine, dua edersin yarinlar icin. Ama..hepsi nafiledir. O icindeki duygu coktan zaten curumus olan kalbinden hicte derin olmayan yuregine inip, satilmis, eski, ve kirli olan ruhunu esir alip kapkara olan cigerlerini sarmistir. Migdende dolasirken bulandirir, ogurken agzinda ise guclu bir eksi tat birakir. Burnuna mayhos bir koku gelir.
Elinden kacan gidenlerin farkina verirsin o engamenin ortasinda. Ve bugunun ipinin elinden kacirdigin icinde, yarin elinden kacicaklarin aklina gelir. Aksam, yatagina uzandiginda, kalbin sikisir, gozune uyku girmez. Neden girmez? Cunku, aklindan gecen bunlardir. Tekrar tekrar, taki ruhunu soyup, herkesin onunde ciril ciplak birakana kadar. Sansa bak dersin, nede cok egitmeye calismistim su ruhumu, nede cok cabalamistim saklicam diye ruhumu evrenden, dunyadan, bulutlarsan, insanlardan, senden, ondan, bundan, binalardan, toplumdan...herseyden...
Unutursun, unutmussundur, ve unutacaksindir. Insan oglu, mahkumdur dersin, mahkumsundur, ve boyun egersin. Kaderindir. Kim hatirlamis satir satirda, sen hatirlarsin...halbuki resim cekmeye baslamanin en buyuk nededinide bu degilmidir?
Anlayamazsin ne oldugunu, sesin yukselir, yuzun kizarir, ellerin terler, goz yaslarin senden habersiz birikip akar. Teker, teker, teker. Inci taneleri, veyahutta kar taneleri, yada yagmur damlaciklari gibi degillerdir. Neler oldugunu anlamazsin, ve bir kucuck bakistan yara alirsin. Belkide hakkin bile yoktur buna. Karsindaki, yaninda oldugu halde sen millerce otede, uzakta, yanliz hissedersin. Bir cift soz, herseyi alt ust etmeye yetmistir. Emistir, eder, ve edecektir. Doganin kurali. Tamdaki mukemmele yaklastim, yakinlastim, elimdeydi derken..mutluyum derken, kalbinin birer parcasi daha kirlir.
Onarabilirmisin? Onarmak mumkunmudur, bilemezsin ve bir yap bozun, bilinmezin tam ortasina atilirsin tekrardan. Tekrardan, tekrardan. Bunlarin cevaplarini bulabilmek icin yanarsin ama bekledigin cevap hic gelmez. Cunku geldigi anda, senden geri alinir ve bugune kadar bildigin herseyi sorguluyacak baska bir soru verilir sana.
Yorulursun, kolunu kanadini kaldiricak halin kalmaz. Bikarsin, bikmissindir.
Sadece gulumsemek istersin, kalbinin bir kismi agri icinde kaybolup gitmeden. Ruhun aci cekisiyor olmadan.
Dusunmekten korkup kendini dondurmaya gelmeden. Geceleri uyuyabilerekten.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
"Finding My Elegy"
"Finding My Elegy"
I can't find you where I've been looking for you,
my elegy. There's all too many graveyards handy
these days, too many names to read through tears
on long black walls, too many bulldozed bonefilled ditches.
And all the animals to mourn, wiped off
the earth like mist wiped off a mirror, leaving one
face, reflection of itself alone,
image of its imagined image; nothing else,
no grief, no dirt, no dogs, no elegies.
That desert is no place for you. And so I looked
where death is birth and gods are animals
and being flows through being as from spring
river flows into river to the sea;
but what's to mourn, if life betakes itself into
another life? Better a rite of passage,
painful joyful celebration of the change,
warning and welcome to the soul returned
forgetful who it was, and we not knowing either,
seabird or child, salmon or fern or fawn.
And on the eightfold way, although compassion finds
itself at home, all the hard work of sorrow
dissolves to breathing in and out the lives let loose
from turning turning turning, gone nowhere
to do no harm at last, after the long despair.
So where to seek? I used to dream of climbing
high in the hills, those silent ridges red with dawn,
to find your sisters the Laments; but that's
a hero's journey. I am older than a hero
ever gets. My search must be a watch,
patiently sitting, looking out the open door.
Far off through shadow I can see a woman
who stands to speak a name. Though I can't hear her voice
across the ruins of the centuries,
I know how hard it was to speak, how her throat ached.
In Rome, beside the pyre or open grave,
they'd say the name aloud three times, and then be still.
A name is hard to say. Who'd read aloud
those names on that long wall, what woman born
could bear to know so many children dead?
Numbers are easier. The men of money say
numbers, not names. Grief's not their business.
But I think it may be mine, and if I have
a people any more, I will find them in tears.
My elegy, your clothes are out of fashion.
I see you walking past me on a country road
in a worn cloak. Your steps are slow, along
a way that grows obscure as it leads back and back.
In dusk some stars shine small and clear as tears
on a dark face that is not human. I will follow you.
Ursula K. Le Guin
my elegy. There's all too many graveyards handy
these days, too many names to read through tears
on long black walls, too many bulldozed bonefilled ditches.
And all the animals to mourn, wiped off
the earth like mist wiped off a mirror, leaving one
face, reflection of itself alone,
image of its imagined image; nothing else,
no grief, no dirt, no dogs, no elegies.
That desert is no place for you. And so I looked
where death is birth and gods are animals
and being flows through being as from spring
river flows into river to the sea;
but what's to mourn, if life betakes itself into
another life? Better a rite of passage,
painful joyful celebration of the change,
warning and welcome to the soul returned
forgetful who it was, and we not knowing either,
seabird or child, salmon or fern or fawn.
And on the eightfold way, although compassion finds
itself at home, all the hard work of sorrow
dissolves to breathing in and out the lives let loose
from turning turning turning, gone nowhere
to do no harm at last, after the long despair.
So where to seek? I used to dream of climbing
high in the hills, those silent ridges red with dawn,
to find your sisters the Laments; but that's
a hero's journey. I am older than a hero
ever gets. My search must be a watch,
patiently sitting, looking out the open door.
Far off through shadow I can see a woman
who stands to speak a name. Though I can't hear her voice
across the ruins of the centuries,
I know how hard it was to speak, how her throat ached.
In Rome, beside the pyre or open grave,
they'd say the name aloud three times, and then be still.
A name is hard to say. Who'd read aloud
those names on that long wall, what woman born
could bear to know so many children dead?
Numbers are easier. The men of money say
numbers, not names. Grief's not their business.
But I think it may be mine, and if I have
a people any more, I will find them in tears.
My elegy, your clothes are out of fashion.
I see you walking past me on a country road
in a worn cloak. Your steps are slow, along
a way that grows obscure as it leads back and back.
In dusk some stars shine small and clear as tears
on a dark face that is not human. I will follow you.
Ursula K. Le Guin
I think I am insomniac now.
There is a discord within me, and my emotions are all disrupted. My thoughts seem to fall into ill every single second. I can't seem to be able to go to sleep at night. I either see nightmares, or weird dreams that throws me out of the loop. It keeps me pondering about the meaning of the dreams I see each and every day. I am unable to focus, and I can't seem to motivate myself enough. This feeling too is also rather familiar to me.
Even as I am writing this, most of the people on this side of the country are asleep. Exceptions never cease to exist. The man I love is also sound asleep. Yet, I am awake, my brain is unable to rest. My theory is that, that's why I keep seeing so many disoriented, distraught dreams.
I used to complain that I never stopped thinking, now I feel like I have achieved brain dead. I feel ordinary. How, I used to feel special and take pride in my analytical skills and my brain power. Honestly, I want those days back.
I am so confused. I had planned for a different path for myself. Ever since I can remember.
I've been reminiscent lately and pondering into the past, comparing myself of then and now. And each time it never ceases to amaze me how much I've grown up. Usually, under normal circumstances I would say this is a good thing. But, I guess I don't view it as positive as most would. I always said to myself, I am NOT going to end up this or that way. Now, I can only see myself fall further into that line. *sigh*
I hope things go back to their original ways soon. I don't think I like this side of me, or this kind of life too much. It doesn't suit me very well.
There is a discord within me, and my emotions are all disrupted. My thoughts seem to fall into ill every single second. I can't seem to be able to go to sleep at night. I either see nightmares, or weird dreams that throws me out of the loop. It keeps me pondering about the meaning of the dreams I see each and every day. I am unable to focus, and I can't seem to motivate myself enough. This feeling too is also rather familiar to me.
Even as I am writing this, most of the people on this side of the country are asleep. Exceptions never cease to exist. The man I love is also sound asleep. Yet, I am awake, my brain is unable to rest. My theory is that, that's why I keep seeing so many disoriented, distraught dreams.
I used to complain that I never stopped thinking, now I feel like I have achieved brain dead. I feel ordinary. How, I used to feel special and take pride in my analytical skills and my brain power. Honestly, I want those days back.
I am so confused. I had planned for a different path for myself. Ever since I can remember.
I've been reminiscent lately and pondering into the past, comparing myself of then and now. And each time it never ceases to amaze me how much I've grown up. Usually, under normal circumstances I would say this is a good thing. But, I guess I don't view it as positive as most would. I always said to myself, I am NOT going to end up this or that way. Now, I can only see myself fall further into that line. *sigh*
I hope things go back to their original ways soon. I don't think I like this side of me, or this kind of life too much. It doesn't suit me very well.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
So, quite a few new changes and at the same time some dullness.
I've been quite reminiscent lately. Remember the past, my mistakes and the sources of my pride, also, my failures. Which always brings about a human being into the present and the future.
I feel as though I have lost a lot of hope and have become rather pessimistic. My future is rather unsure and I am not sure what awaits me in the next few years. I guess life is a mystery and it is better to live then to only contemplate and waste time planning without taking any action to reach towards one's goal.
I've been quite reminiscent lately. Remember the past, my mistakes and the sources of my pride, also, my failures. Which always brings about a human being into the present and the future.
I feel as though I have lost a lot of hope and have become rather pessimistic. My future is rather unsure and I am not sure what awaits me in the next few years. I guess life is a mystery and it is better to live then to only contemplate and waste time planning without taking any action to reach towards one's goal.
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