Today, I must of had my longest shift yet. Why? Simple.
I found every possible wrong with every single table that came in today. It really wasn't their fault, or their mistake, for most it wasn't even something they did or said. Things that weren't there, that my eyes saw, what made everything difficult for me. It was my fault by default. Its my nature. Its a trick I try to play on myself. I can be angry, mad, sad, or hurt at something.Something that my mind tries to think, dig, or find out, or just will toy for hours and hours and hours on without any breaks, if it wasn't for the interruptions of the world. If I don't give my brain something else to chew out, its going to drive me crazy with whatever occupies my mind. So, easiest thing? Point out the mistakes of human beings. There really isn't anything more natural, more easier than that.
I found ridiculous things, I found things that were annoying. But at the end, I was only able to fool myself for so long, then I began loathing myself for being so cruel, and well...plain.
Why is it simple? Its Andrew. I am still hurt, and still mourning..no surprise there. Its quite obvious I think. But there are so many things in my mind that doesn't add up. There are still holes and I just cant come to accept that he is no longer with us. My only hope is that he is in a better place, but of course as a person with faith, its hard to know. Its God's decision obviously and all I can do is pray. That itself drives me insane that I can't do anything. Helplessness. How many times I swore to myself that I was no longer going to be helpless to do anything? To change circumstances. Somethings...truly are out of our reaches and realm...a point made to me once again..pretty darn harshly.
I found every possible wrong with every single table that came in today. It really wasn't their fault, or their mistake, for most it wasn't even something they did or said. Things that weren't there, that my eyes saw, what made everything difficult for me. It was my fault by default. Its my nature. Its a trick I try to play on myself. I can be angry, mad, sad, or hurt at something.Something that my mind tries to think, dig, or find out, or just will toy for hours and hours and hours on without any breaks, if it wasn't for the interruptions of the world. If I don't give my brain something else to chew out, its going to drive me crazy with whatever occupies my mind. So, easiest thing? Point out the mistakes of human beings. There really isn't anything more natural, more easier than that.
I found ridiculous things, I found things that were annoying. But at the end, I was only able to fool myself for so long, then I began loathing myself for being so cruel, and well...plain.
Why is it simple? Its Andrew. I am still hurt, and still mourning..no surprise there. Its quite obvious I think. But there are so many things in my mind that doesn't add up. There are still holes and I just cant come to accept that he is no longer with us. My only hope is that he is in a better place, but of course as a person with faith, its hard to know. Its God's decision obviously and all I can do is pray. That itself drives me insane that I can't do anything. Helplessness. How many times I swore to myself that I was no longer going to be helpless to do anything? To change circumstances. Somethings...truly are out of our reaches and realm...a point made to me once again..pretty darn harshly.
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