Thursday, June 16, 2011
Journaling.
writing in my thought journal (the journal that's not online) is like a gift from heaven. I feel so much more focused, so much more in capable hands, and a ton lighter! I am always surprised at the phrases that rolls out of my fingers with each new white page that's just waiting to be explored as I explore myself with them...
A Man's Requirements--Elizabeth Barrett Browning
A Man's Requirement
I
Love me Sweet, with all thou art,
Feeling, thinking, seeing;
Love me in the lightest part,
Love me in full being.
II
Love me with thine open youth
In its frank surrender;
With the vowing of thy mouth,
With its silence tender.
III
Love me with thine azure eyes,
Made for earnest grantings;
Taking colour from the skies,
Can Heaven's truth be wanting?
IV
Love me with their lids, that fall
Snow-like at first meeting;
Love me with thine heart, that all
Neighbours then see beating.
V
Love me with thine hand stretched out
Freely -- open-minded:
Love me with thy loitering foot, --
Hearing one behind it.
VI
Love me with thy voice, that turns
Sudden faint above me;
Love me with thy blush that burns
When I murmur 'Love me!'
VII
Love me with thy thinking soul,
Break it to love-sighing;
Love me with thy thoughts that roll
On through living -- dying.
VIII
Love me in thy gorgeous airs,
When the world has crowned thee;
Love me, kneeling at thy prayers,
With the angels round thee.
IX
Love me pure, as muses do,
Up the woodlands shady:
Love me gaily, fast and true,
As a winsome lady.
X
Through all hopes that keep us brave,
Farther off or nigher,
Love me for the house and grave,
And for something higher.
XI
Thus, if thou wilt prove me, Dear,
Woman's love no fable,
I will love thee -- half a year --
--Elizabeth Barrett Browning
As a man is able.
I
Love me Sweet, with all thou art,
Feeling, thinking, seeing;
Love me in the lightest part,
Love me in full being.
II
Love me with thine open youth
In its frank surrender;
With the vowing of thy mouth,
With its silence tender.
III
Love me with thine azure eyes,
Made for earnest grantings;
Taking colour from the skies,
Can Heaven's truth be wanting?
IV
Love me with their lids, that fall
Snow-like at first meeting;
Love me with thine heart, that all
Neighbours then see beating.
V
Love me with thine hand stretched out
Freely -- open-minded:
Love me with thy loitering foot, --
Hearing one behind it.
VI
Love me with thy voice, that turns
Sudden faint above me;
Love me with thy blush that burns
When I murmur 'Love me!'
VII
Love me with thy thinking soul,
Break it to love-sighing;
Love me with thy thoughts that roll
On through living -- dying.
VIII
Love me in thy gorgeous airs,
When the world has crowned thee;
Love me, kneeling at thy prayers,
With the angels round thee.
IX
Love me pure, as muses do,
Up the woodlands shady:
Love me gaily, fast and true,
As a winsome lady.
X
Through all hopes that keep us brave,
Farther off or nigher,
Love me for the house and grave,
And for something higher.
XI
Thus, if thou wilt prove me, Dear,
Woman's love no fable,
I will love thee -- half a year --
--Elizabeth Barrett Browning
As a man is able.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Hello Saturday :)
Hello Saturday,
I don't remember the last time I woke up in such a happy mood, excited and positive:) Despite the fact that I just laid around on my bed for an hour, dreaming, giggling and thinking about all the wonders that has happened since my birthday.
Was it like this to be normal? In earnest I don't remember. I don't think anything could bring me down. First thing in my mind when I wake up? hehe, well...
I can tell you the second thing though, how lucky I am.
I had been in the bottom of a deep and dark well, and now with a relief I can see the world and it's beauty without all the malice.
I am off to read
I don't remember the last time I woke up in such a happy mood, excited and positive:) Despite the fact that I just laid around on my bed for an hour, dreaming, giggling and thinking about all the wonders that has happened since my birthday.
Was it like this to be normal? In earnest I don't remember. I don't think anything could bring me down. First thing in my mind when I wake up? hehe, well...
I can tell you the second thing though, how lucky I am.
I had been in the bottom of a deep and dark well, and now with a relief I can see the world and it's beauty without all the malice.
I am off to read
Friday, June 10, 2011
Unprecedented Friday
Just what am I doing? It feels like I've lost all self control. But there is an unprecedented happiness inside and I can't help but to be giddy :)
However, first things first:
I have to go back to my daily routine for "studying" and secondly to find a job. Thirdly I need to get a hold of all the necessities I need before Irem gets here and fourthly to rent a car and reserve hotel rooms for Chicago in August.
However, first things first:
I have to go back to my daily routine for "studying" and secondly to find a job. Thirdly I need to get a hold of all the necessities I need before Irem gets here and fourthly to rent a car and reserve hotel rooms for Chicago in August.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Birthday Magic
My luck has turned around. My lips are actually smiling, and I am smiling from the bottom of my heart. How long had that been?--I can't remember. And it feels tremendously good. Was it like this to be happy, to be able to laugh, smile and feel content? Was this how yearnings and desires were? I can't believe the good fortune I am having and I am just so afraid of jinxing it.
No really, this year on my birthday, magic happened. Every year on my birthday, I would hope for a magic to happen, as long as I could remember myself. It wasn't wishing for category a or b, I just wanted magic to happen. I wanted a signal, an omen from God and wanted to feel special, remembered, appreciated. And I waited for 24 years. The magic I had always hoped on my birthday, for the first time actually happened on my 24th, in the most oddest way possible, in the most unexpected, most beautiful way. I couldn't have asked it to be any better though. This year, I got the best gift possible from God. Never in a million years could I have thought things would work out this way. There stood my luck, my good fortune, my smile, my magic, my happiness and my gift. A gift that was exactly what I needed.
Thanks to that wonderful gift, I've found myself again--and life has never been in brighter colors nor has it been so kind to me. Being able to dream of months and sometimes years ahead...such a relief, a beautiful skill, I had forgotten. And as much as I love solitary dreams, to be able to dream with someone else--well, it is a threat and a treat that can't be compared to anything else on this soft earth. But knowing that one day, that possibility could occur, is a wonderful feeling
To know of desires and feelings so earnestly, and to be so open and opaque with a heart...mmm...I can't wait to live through each and single day.
No really, this year on my birthday, magic happened. Every year on my birthday, I would hope for a magic to happen, as long as I could remember myself. It wasn't wishing for category a or b, I just wanted magic to happen. I wanted a signal, an omen from God and wanted to feel special, remembered, appreciated. And I waited for 24 years. The magic I had always hoped on my birthday, for the first time actually happened on my 24th, in the most oddest way possible, in the most unexpected, most beautiful way. I couldn't have asked it to be any better though. This year, I got the best gift possible from God. Never in a million years could I have thought things would work out this way. There stood my luck, my good fortune, my smile, my magic, my happiness and my gift. A gift that was exactly what I needed.
Thanks to that wonderful gift, I've found myself again--and life has never been in brighter colors nor has it been so kind to me. Being able to dream of months and sometimes years ahead...such a relief, a beautiful skill, I had forgotten. And as much as I love solitary dreams, to be able to dream with someone else--well, it is a threat and a treat that can't be compared to anything else on this soft earth. But knowing that one day, that possibility could occur, is a wonderful feeling
To know of desires and feelings so earnestly, and to be so open and opaque with a heart...mmm...I can't wait to live through each and single day.
:)
So, I avoided writing here for a few days. I didn't wanted to sound so cold hearted and callous.
I never thought ending things could have been this easy. Three years is easy to say. It's a long time and sadly, initially, all I could think of was the relief. Relief of letting go, of this nightmare ending. Had I known that there was going to be so much weight lifted off my shoulders, I would have said my goodbye's a long time ago. The question begs itself, why did I stay so long with him? Honestly, that's a complicated question. But as Virginia Woolf says, we are only able to understand our feelings in a backward glance. I did love him. He was the first love of my adult life. But even that love had worn itself out and it burned out. Our love ended because it wasn't mutual, because I was never appreciated or cared for. Then I stayed because it was so much harder to say goodbye to habits ( I am a creature of habit) to all the efforts I had given throughout the life of that relationship. But I was always alone in that relationship. I don't know what it was for him. But if initial reaction after ending a relationship is a relief, well then, it says everything that needs to be said. I hadn't been happy in such a long time and had not been feeling like myself, nor could I have had shared anything with him. But, the question begs itself, what can you ask of or expect from a man who refuses to share his life with me, or even hide his facebook relationship status (something as simple as that) and even hide his friends list from you? What can you ask of a man who only sends a "happy birthday Nazire" text on your birthday after three years. The riddle solves itself quite nicely doesn't it? Nothing of my world interested him. Finally, that step being taken, my life changed around and here comes the next chapter of my life.
I never thought ending things could have been this easy. Three years is easy to say. It's a long time and sadly, initially, all I could think of was the relief. Relief of letting go, of this nightmare ending. Had I known that there was going to be so much weight lifted off my shoulders, I would have said my goodbye's a long time ago. The question begs itself, why did I stay so long with him? Honestly, that's a complicated question. But as Virginia Woolf says, we are only able to understand our feelings in a backward glance. I did love him. He was the first love of my adult life. But even that love had worn itself out and it burned out. Our love ended because it wasn't mutual, because I was never appreciated or cared for. Then I stayed because it was so much harder to say goodbye to habits ( I am a creature of habit) to all the efforts I had given throughout the life of that relationship. But I was always alone in that relationship. I don't know what it was for him. But if initial reaction after ending a relationship is a relief, well then, it says everything that needs to be said. I hadn't been happy in such a long time and had not been feeling like myself, nor could I have had shared anything with him. But, the question begs itself, what can you ask of or expect from a man who refuses to share his life with me, or even hide his facebook relationship status (something as simple as that) and even hide his friends list from you? What can you ask of a man who only sends a "happy birthday Nazire" text on your birthday after three years. The riddle solves itself quite nicely doesn't it? Nothing of my world interested him. Finally, that step being taken, my life changed around and here comes the next chapter of my life.
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