happiness is a singular term.

and sometimes all you can do is look to tomorrow.

I am having a difficult time again...a little sadness and a little bit more of everything else. more obstacles keep piling up and things just get to people...me. I am not sure how much longer I can hold on.

And sometimes at the worst possible moment you come to a realization--you don't belong. You principally and wholeheartedly do not belong and have different urges to fulfill. The world becomes lonely and it becomes harder to reconcile differences. There is nothing anyone can do about it. For the past 23 years of your life, you wonder about and see the subtle differences. You should be like them, because they have created you and have given you your first moldings. But then your eyes open and you see it here and there, tiny little pimple heads poking their head out of the surface. You ignore them, and turn the blind eye. After a while they start adding up, again and again. It becomes harder not seeing them. You have to constantly make a mental note to not see it, put in effort to tell yourself that there is nothing there, denying the truth. Then it comes unraveling at the worst time. It unravels so fast you don't know what hits you. Its horrible and then it sinks in. You and them belongs in two different worlds. Two very distinct and separate worlds.

and then there is nothing. you grow numb over the years of torture. your heart learns not to listen to it be bothered by it. Then once in a while....the wound runs so deep that it will throb under neath pounds of cold meat.

Icinde kapkara, upuzun, dibsiz bir kuyu vardir...o kuyunun icinde sesler dalgalanir, yankilanir ve birbirlerine karisirlar. Icinden kucucuk bir sembol eski gunleri, taaa derinlerden cikari verir. Bir bir burnunun diregini sizlatir, gozlerini doldurur yasla. Tekrar hatirlarsin o eski gunleri, yasarsin teker teker, en eskiden, en son guzel gune kadar. Kirilmis olan sevgin, uzulmus olan sevgin, kaybolmus mutlulugun ruhunu esir alir. Halbuki sana arta kalan sandece hatiralar..cunku o eski gunlerden ruzgarda savrulmus kirintilar geri kalir.

When there is that small voice that gradually grows over and cripples your happiness, hi-jacks your thoughts, you should give it a moment to reconsider and reanalyze it.

Relationships are like books. They have a beginning, a climax and a resolution. Duration of the book, one marvels in it, admires and lives vigorously through another's life. But the experience is limited, doomed for an ending. Sometimes they end happy, and sometimes they end in destruction. And rarely in a mutual dissidence. No matter the result, there will be an end. All relationships come with an expiration date. Therefore, marriage is antiquated and is unconventional for women in the 21st century.

So, getting ready to go back to Rochester for my uncle's wedding. I am not quite looking forward to the train ride back home. Its going to be about 16 hours. Yeah, not the quickest ride in the world. However, one must do what she must.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and my head has been swimming in a lot of thoughts, creative inspirations and some philosophical thinking. ( I have two literature and one ethics class to thank for that). Good thing I like contemplating.
Well I am off for now, hopefully I'll be back with more posts.

And then every now and then, there will be small signs that questions our sanity.

Its late again, another night, another set of questions, perhaps the continuation of those from the previous and the night previous to that? who knows. I can hardly keep up.
A cup of warm tea, and nightmares knocking down my door, ghosts of the past tap on my window and my own sanity becomes a crucial point to my own existence. Do I exist? Am I there?
There is a tapping in my own heart, which resonates with my soul. A fresh breath of air...seems I am out of those. I am in desperate need of one.
Its late, another night, another studying but questions just drill holes in my mind. Is it really...then what can we really know???? Its a confusing world out there and the more we try to put things into order and perspective the harder it seems to make sense of things and the more chaos it is in.
A little guide wouldn't hurt but it seems nothing can appease me now.