Thursday, May 28, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Dur kalbim dur...icindekileri tutmaya devam. Kilitle hepsini. Herseyin bir vakti, bir yeri vardir derler ya. Simdi eger soylersen, onu kaybetmeye goze alman lazim. Alabilirmisin onu kaybetmeyi goze..bu riske girebilirmisin? ..Ey kablim, soyle, cevap ver soruma...Derinden, ve en icten gelen sesin verdigi cevap hayir.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Eternal Sleep
To sleep once your heart has stopped beating and your soul and flied away...should be a great joy
but to be in eternal sleep while your heart pumps fresh blood, your mind wanders through past, present, and future, and your soul continues to feel....but during that time to be in eternal sleep is dangerous, and also a destructive.
You lose out on so much while waiting for something to happen, or a set date to begin.
but to be in eternal sleep while your heart pumps fresh blood, your mind wanders through past, present, and future, and your soul continues to feel....but during that time to be in eternal sleep is dangerous, and also a destructive.
You lose out on so much while waiting for something to happen, or a set date to begin.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
I just want the time to stop. Stop as it is. Although there are always severe consequences with this action. As life is right now, I want it to stop. At the same time I want it to continue so that I can finally get back into track and continue my life towards my envisioned destination. but that will always remain as a wish
Thursday, May 14, 2009
...Inen ve kalkan Perdeler...
Sebebi belli olmayan nedenler yuzunden, bir gun hayatin yerli yerinde giderken hayatin 180 derece degisi verir. Ve senin ruhun bile duymaz, taki en son duraga gelene kadar. Inanamazsin geldigin noktaya, sasirirsin. Sen sen degilsindir artik. Gozlerin sanki Allah tarafindan baglanmistir. Bir sekilde korku taki kalbine kadar islemistir. O yuzden kipirdiyamazsin. Gunler geceye olusur. Rahat yuzu goremezsin. Daralirsin, nefes alamazsin. Gecelerse, kucuk cehenneme donusur. Gun gectikce caresizlige dusersin ve gecen gunlerin ardindan azap cekersin, yapamadiklarina, yapmak zorunda olupta beceremediklerine. Icin gider. Ve bunlar arttikca kendini gunahkar hissedersin. Hissettikcede boynundaki yuk cogalir, uykular, ruyalar birer kiyamet olu verir. Hergun, her defasinda. Seni tekrar tekrar yargilanirsin. Kendi kendine, icindeki sesin. Ve her gecen gun daha da siddetli acimasiz olur. sonra kendine acirsin. Aciz ve vasat bir duruma gelmissindir, kendinden ve dunyadan tiksinirsin.
Sonra, kendine acikmaktan, tiksinmekten, ve yargilamaktan yorulursun, tukenirsin. Bir anlamida kalmamistir. Olan olmus, testi kirilmistir. Giden gunleri geriye getiremezsin ama gelecek gunlerin gidisini etkiliyebilirsin. Onlara bir yon verebilirsin. Yavasca ve birden bire gozlerindeki bag cozulur. Perde kalkar ve gelecegini degistirmek icin cabalarsin, ve kalkarlar. Daha cok emek vermek zorundadirsindir bundan sonra. Daha fazla ugrasip cabalaman lazim. Ama biraktigin icinde bir o kadarda kiymetini anlarsin. O yuzden dahada siki sarilirsin, benliginin her noktasinla.
Gelecek hepimiz icin hayirli olsun.
Sonra, kendine acikmaktan, tiksinmekten, ve yargilamaktan yorulursun, tukenirsin. Bir anlamida kalmamistir. Olan olmus, testi kirilmistir. Giden gunleri geriye getiremezsin ama gelecek gunlerin gidisini etkiliyebilirsin. Onlara bir yon verebilirsin. Yavasca ve birden bire gozlerindeki bag cozulur. Perde kalkar ve gelecegini degistirmek icin cabalarsin, ve kalkarlar. Daha cok emek vermek zorundadirsindir bundan sonra. Daha fazla ugrasip cabalaman lazim. Ama biraktigin icinde bir o kadarda kiymetini anlarsin. O yuzden dahada siki sarilirsin, benliginin her noktasinla.
Gelecek hepimiz icin hayirli olsun.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Emotions that can't be put down into words
Is outraged, angered, jealous and mad beyond belief. I cannot express my feelings in a mere words. Even if I were able to accomplish expressing myself in words, I am not sure I would like the outcome of it. Even if I was successful in putting my emotions into words, I am not sure if I want to admit to them. I am not sure I want to realize some of the truth in my life. I am not sure I want to take responsibility for my own mistakes, and I do not want to endure the consequences.
My gut tells me that there is more to him and her, and I try to hard to turn the blind eye, yet all I can do is search and try to look for answers that will either send me to my doom along with our doom, or will eventually satisfy my own ego and pride. I don't know why and how things turned out this way, or how even it got to this point. Of all people, her ...why the hell? I wouldn't of ever considered even a mere female. She was less than that. Is that the idea that bugs me, and makes my skin crawl?--Even so, I am still afraid of learning the truth about how they got together, what they lived, how and why they broke up, and why they still continue communication...It puzzles me. The idea of anybody else, frightens me to no end.
I know I was blinded and somehow fear disabled me for action, thus leading me today. Fear of rejection, fear of not being accepted, fear of already being late, and which inevitable led to a later late, which possibly can't be returned now. I feel like I am lost at an eternal tunnel, well, ditch, darkness that will never lead to a light, and even if it did the consequences and the journey there is going to be rather more than ultra difficult. I don't know if I can hold on and can endure it. But why did things have to end up this way when I was on the rise? Was it another demonstration that God can just pull it right under your feet, or that you can lose control so easily if you are distracted for a second...I fear the future of myself and humanity.
What am I to do, how am I to answer, and how am to live? -- All these questions shall be answered within short period of time, probably very painstakingly and very unfortunate for me at the end..on my own. I've jumped to the deep end on my own, without anyone's pushing. Yet seeing those pictures have angered me so much, made me feel so less. I've got to get over this, put the saddle back on my horse and get back on it...possibly right away. The bigger question remains, how will I do all of that? Do I have the courage and the strength to pull it out? Or will I end up crying and blaming myself and the world for all the mistakes that I have made, or made to choose? Of course it evolves and branches off to so many other questions, theories and other responses that will never come to cease itself, find a solution and leave me alone...If it did, life just would be easy and pleasurable. Unfortunately for me, that is not how my life evolves and passes through the time. Sometimes, I wish I did.
My gut tells me that there is more to him and her, and I try to hard to turn the blind eye, yet all I can do is search and try to look for answers that will either send me to my doom along with our doom, or will eventually satisfy my own ego and pride. I don't know why and how things turned out this way, or how even it got to this point. Of all people, her ...why the hell? I wouldn't of ever considered even a mere female. She was less than that. Is that the idea that bugs me, and makes my skin crawl?--Even so, I am still afraid of learning the truth about how they got together, what they lived, how and why they broke up, and why they still continue communication...It puzzles me. The idea of anybody else, frightens me to no end.
I know I was blinded and somehow fear disabled me for action, thus leading me today. Fear of rejection, fear of not being accepted, fear of already being late, and which inevitable led to a later late, which possibly can't be returned now. I feel like I am lost at an eternal tunnel, well, ditch, darkness that will never lead to a light, and even if it did the consequences and the journey there is going to be rather more than ultra difficult. I don't know if I can hold on and can endure it. But why did things have to end up this way when I was on the rise? Was it another demonstration that God can just pull it right under your feet, or that you can lose control so easily if you are distracted for a second...I fear the future of myself and humanity.
What am I to do, how am I to answer, and how am to live? -- All these questions shall be answered within short period of time, probably very painstakingly and very unfortunate for me at the end..on my own. I've jumped to the deep end on my own, without anyone's pushing. Yet seeing those pictures have angered me so much, made me feel so less. I've got to get over this, put the saddle back on my horse and get back on it...possibly right away. The bigger question remains, how will I do all of that? Do I have the courage and the strength to pull it out? Or will I end up crying and blaming myself and the world for all the mistakes that I have made, or made to choose? Of course it evolves and branches off to so many other questions, theories and other responses that will never come to cease itself, find a solution and leave me alone...If it did, life just would be easy and pleasurable. Unfortunately for me, that is not how my life evolves and passes through the time. Sometimes, I wish I did.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Sunday, May 3, 2009
when you can't sleep
ah, i hate it when I can't sleep. It's like a ticking clock, getting louder and louder by the second. It's inside my head and won't let me just keep to myself. The thoughts just gets darker by each tick, and its a really deep hole to get out of!
Then you can't get off the bed in the morning, because you haven't slept all night like regular normal people. and then your whole day goes down the drain.
Then you can't get off the bed in the morning, because you haven't slept all night like regular normal people. and then your whole day goes down the drain.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)