I struggle...and yet it's sometimes fruitless and futile. I wonder where this will end.
I hope it won't end up hurting me. This is one dream I wish that won't end.

Insomniac

I can't sleep once again. What a surprise? I really thing I've become an insomniac.All these things going through my head, and the wounds in my heart makes it near impossible to catch a good night's sleep. My chest is heavy, and it's an incredibly difficult task to be able to breathe. Harder than you think, at times like these. Nights are hard, days are harder. Just as I believed things were smoothing out, everything became unstable at once. I pass out towards dawn, then of course i wake up a few hours later. Throws me off.

Honestly, I loved how our relationship had become. Why did it crumble like this in a mili second, over nothing? My heart is wavering and it's shivering. I am so afraid that everything will be shattered. I want to protect and progress it continuously. Without an end. I want that heart of yours to warm my fragile and wounded soul once more. I want you to become close to me once again. I miss you. I really do. Right now, I need to see you, I need to hear your voice to calm down, to become myself again. For everything to be alright again. Please, don't let me slip by your fingers. Don't let your relationship have a bitter after taste. That's not how I want things. I want you to hold on to me, cling on to me with everything your whole being has got. You've become such a precious person to me. But you won't do that. Our relationship is one sided and I am an idiot for thinking things can be different. You just like to stand there, watch and judge people. No one is ever good enough and you're the mighty that walks on earth.
Please....I don't know how to fix things, but please let's do it. Why do I even bother? I keep asking myself the same question and I come blank...I love. I do love,but why? For whom? Appreciation matters to me, but forget appreciation, you won't even see me because you're so into yourself. It's always about you, it can never be about someone else.
I've come to realize I passionately, deeply, genuinely love you. Love you more than anyone else. Your whole being has changed a few strings within me, and I am okay with that. I want to be by your side.
I need to see you. I can't wait till tomorrow. Please, let us return the hands of time backwards, to those of the most satisfying, fulfilled, promising and eternally happy days without shadows. But regardless of how I feel and what I want, that doesn't matter because we'll never be okay. Because we've turned the sand glass and the little sand has begun to slip down. We're marching to our end, because I am broken inside and when I am wounded, nothing can console me--not that you're even acknowledging I could be hurt or even giving a second of worry or even an ounce of effort. I don't think I've felt this stupid ever before.

and, sometimes, it could take just a few minutes, and a few words that could shatter everything. Everything I've worked so hard for, can it go back up to what it used to be? I really wish so.
Hope still resides within me.

boom

and so i guess tonight was the night i blew up at the wrong person for the wrong reasons.
my incompetence should never justify my actions against my own mother who has always supported me and tried her best to get me to achieve my dreams. It's not her, but the essence of my own faults and mis-assumptions. *sigh* isn't this quite a bit bad. I've broken her heart. Which will be much harder to mend then other things.

Anlatmak istersin, anlatamazsin...bilemezsin kime anlaticagini.

Bir suru nedenin vardir ve bunu acik acik kendine bile soylemekten korkarsin.

Anlatmak istersin, anlatamazsin...bilemezsin kime anlaticagini.

Bir suru nedenin vardir ve bunu acik acik kendine bile soylemekten korkarsin.

Bir pazar gunu...

Gunluk gunesliyken, kendini bir karaligin ortasinda ve dahada derine batarken yakalirsin.
Halbuki, bir kac saat once icten gelen kahkahalarin, ve guluslerin evrini isittigini hissetmistin.

Hayallerin vardir, yada belli gunler icin hayal kurmussundur, ama o gun gelip cattiginda ise, planladiklarinin tam tersi olur, hayal kirikligina ugrarsin.
Kendini boslukta, sonu olmayan bir kavramin icinde tikili kalmis hissedersin. Haykirmak istersin, ama bunun neye yariyacagini bilmezsin. Aglamak istedigin icinde kendine kizarsin. Hislerini degistirmeye calistigindada bunun sadece bos caba oldugunu hissedip dahada kaybolursun o boslukta. Kuculur, kuculur ve ufacicik kalirsin. Taki, kendini tanimakta zorlasana kadar.

Lanetlersin boyle olusuna, yemin edersin bu gunlerin gecicegine, dua edersin yarinlar icin. Ama..hepsi nafiledir. O icindeki duygu coktan zaten curumus olan kalbinden hicte derin olmayan yuregine inip, satilmis, eski, ve kirli olan ruhunu esir alip kapkara olan cigerlerini sarmistir. Migdende dolasirken bulandirir, ogurken agzinda ise guclu bir eksi tat birakir. Burnuna mayhos bir koku gelir.

Elinden kacan gidenlerin farkina verirsin o engamenin ortasinda. Ve bugunun ipinin elinden kacirdigin icinde, yarin elinden kacicaklarin aklina gelir. Aksam, yatagina uzandiginda, kalbin sikisir, gozune uyku girmez. Neden girmez? Cunku, aklindan gecen bunlardir. Tekrar tekrar, taki ruhunu soyup, herkesin onunde ciril ciplak birakana kadar. Sansa bak dersin, nede cok egitmeye calismistim su ruhumu, nede cok cabalamistim saklicam diye ruhumu evrenden, dunyadan, bulutlarsan, insanlardan, senden, ondan, bundan, binalardan, toplumdan...herseyden...

Unutursun, unutmussundur, ve unutacaksindir. Insan oglu, mahkumdur dersin, mahkumsundur, ve boyun egersin. Kaderindir. Kim hatirlamis satir satirda, sen hatirlarsin...halbuki resim cekmeye baslamanin en buyuk nededinide bu degilmidir?

Anlayamazsin ne oldugunu, sesin yukselir, yuzun kizarir, ellerin terler, goz yaslarin senden habersiz birikip akar. Teker, teker, teker. Inci taneleri, veyahutta kar taneleri, yada yagmur damlaciklari gibi degillerdir. Neler oldugunu anlamazsin, ve bir kucuck bakistan yara alirsin. Belkide hakkin bile yoktur buna. Karsindaki, yaninda oldugu halde sen millerce otede, uzakta, yanliz hissedersin. Bir cift soz, herseyi alt ust etmeye yetmistir. Emistir, eder, ve edecektir. Doganin kurali. Tamdaki mukemmele yaklastim, yakinlastim, elimdeydi derken..mutluyum derken, kalbinin birer parcasi daha kirlir.

Onarabilirmisin? Onarmak mumkunmudur, bilemezsin ve bir yap bozun, bilinmezin tam ortasina atilirsin tekrardan. Tekrardan, tekrardan. Bunlarin cevaplarini bulabilmek icin yanarsin ama bekledigin cevap hic gelmez. Cunku geldigi anda, senden geri alinir ve bugune kadar bildigin herseyi sorguluyacak baska bir soru verilir sana.
Yorulursun, kolunu kanadini kaldiricak halin kalmaz. Bikarsin, bikmissindir.

Sadece gulumsemek istersin, kalbinin bir kismi agri icinde kaybolup gitmeden. Ruhun aci cekisiyor olmadan.
Dusunmekten korkup kendini dondurmaya gelmeden. Geceleri uyuyabilerekten.